Despair Overly

2011-10-04T07:45:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time since I updated here. Decided to, to seek my feelings once more.

Life, have it's ups and downs. Surprisingly, when I saw this 'status', although I knew, I kinda freak out. I couldn't sleep, but yet I knew it even without the status. Maybe I was in the stage of denial, maybe I'm still not over you after 3 years. Needless to say, in that 3 years, I did nothing to change. And I decided to, the day I saw the status, yesterday. It's now or never, I swear myself even to God way before this and fail. I don't know whether I will succeed or not. Still, I not sure whether God would despise me, since I have a problem now, I decided to once again go to church. Ever since the time He showed me what I called, a miracle, I took my religion for granted.

Anyway, I tried smoking 'healthy', big mistake and a waste of money. My friends warned me several times. I grew in weight, too much to account for. I need to buff up. Last time, I didn't almost everything for you, I wrote poems, I wrote characters, stories, about you. Now it's me me me, nothing for you. Selfish. And I took the 3 years for granted as well, as if you will come walking through my doorsteps. But honestly speaking, I thought of it many times, do I want you back? Most of the time, in my mind, no. Honestly, no. She's no longer the person I knew, 4-5 years ago. I probably can still remember all the things she is, but she's probably no longer those. But a friend once told me, 'If I get the chance to go back with one of my ex, I would, just to get that feeling once desired, back again'.

I seriously don't know what I want. When I got her, I feel I can 'cheat' because I got the girl. I wasn't who I'm. I never freaking cheat when it came to love. I think of nonsense, most of the time. Now I decided to make a list.

First : Stop smoking, be the person in your image. Cruel and strict, but it's all for you man.

Second : Reduce some weights, you ain't getting girls when you're thin, you sure have no chance at all when you're fat.

Third : Buff up, study, finish your freaking diploma. The time where things used to go as you planned, is gone.

Fourth : Do those 3 first.

Period, I think I need a break. A reset memory, I trained so hard over the years to acquire the attention I wanted, but now, it's all in vain.....

2011-04-17T19:58:00.002+08:00

And so I'm writing this about a person I despise most. Actually, I don't want to but this is something you find fault with me.

Yes, I hate my family and I have a reason to it. Let me explain why:

My family, they don't understand me. Do you know that I have to ask to get things? I have to make amends. I have to deliver something. But I'm not talking about the current situation. It was before. I have always kept the past in me because I suffered the most during that time. My mistakes were blame directly at me. I made a lot of amends in the past just to contain myself for getting anything. I took short earn allowance and use it for my daily life. I don't waste my parents money on cigarettes, beers, entertainment, etc, I use my own allowance. Whenever shortage, I had to ask. I want things too but I get the guilt blame whenever I get things. My sisters don't.

Let me give you a situation, now my big sister supports themselves. How?? Boyfriends. I have to support myself. And they have no shame. And one of them, I not sure who, told my mother about this blog where I condemn my family. That was ages ago and it was anger of the moment. Yes, I still dislike most of my family members cause they are a busybody. And they keep track, I just got a new computer, 2.5k price. And that's when they tell my mother. They don't tell it before, always after I get something. Isn't that finding fault with me? When they get something new, I don't say much. Me, I want to get things, I buy at least part of it or pay at least part of it. My phone, it was 2k, I paid 800. My computer, 2.5k, I paid 500. My sisters, NOT A SINGLE CENT, PROBABLY ALL PAID FOR.

And yes, I kept quiet. The money I get, from my bank account, the money they allocated for me. My parents think they all paid for my education but the money is from loan which I myself have to pay back in the end. I'm not saying that 'It's my money, I should use it' no. But do you see the implications? I had to still fork out money not from them but from my account so I don't burden them. Yes, the money in the bank is theirs. When was the last time my sisters ever took out their own money for their laptops, handphone, etc. They always had something better than me and it's always after I get something better. I got a better laptop than my older sister from my uncle, her boyfriend bought a laptop for her. Her first laptop was paid by my parents.

When I wanted one myself they promised me one for college then after a few months start, I asked, got scolded, saying I don't need one. And they bought for my older sister one for college. Then my uncle gave me his old one, they just pretended nothing happened. Also, when I wanted a handphone way back, they didn't want to give me one. My aunt gave me in the end. I now had only own 5 handphones, 3 which isn't mine and one lost. But sisters get the phones from boyfriend, parent, God knows it's not from working. I gotten the new N97 since we had a lot of money selling our old house, my sister got an Iphone after that. Out of nowhere, my small sister got a touch screen phone when she's not legit to work.

Honestly, during my teens, I cannot remember what I gotten that is purely mine. I cannot. I mostly ask money to go out and so. Something that my sisters also does. But when my parents went broke, I was blamed. I don't get it why they even need money when their boyfriends gonna pay for everything. Then let's talk about the internet line. I ask, got scold. Sister ask, get. She ask 2mb, she gets. She ask 4mb, she gets. You see, it's hypocritical. When I ask, they say I don't need a faster internet speed. But when gotten cause of my sister and when I ask, my dad will say 'It's cheap.'. What the hell right!?

And my family are still bias. They always side my sisters and both of them can choose to disrespect them and nothing is done to them. When I do it, I get threats, constant complains for days. When I was young, I had to take it in. I still do but I burst out more often this time.

Anyway, I gonna restraint myself from writing too much. There's more things why I said that majority I hate my family. But you see, I hate them but I didn't say I hate all of them right? And I tell you this, I know a lot from about my family. And I'm not talking just about parents, sisters. I know a lot that you don't and that's why I hate my family. I never reveal any secrets. All those condemning and all ain't secrets, come on. Just because a few people don't know doesn't make it a secret.

And this topic is specially for the bitch of a sister. Yeah, I'm giving you more reasons to hate me so do what you want but please, just for mum's sake, don't let me know. Cause when I find out which one did this, I'm gonna make your life a living hell. And yeah, Gwen, it must be you and I hope it is cause I have more reason to hit you than your sister. If you want to fight with reasoning, come, face to face, don't coward off behind our parent. You are all talk, piece of rubbish.

2011-03-20T09:01:00.003+08:00

So over the time, I was really stressed out with my work. I began working in the day to earn some extra income and my old habits kicked in again. Money is pure evil, if you don't already know that. Anyway, since there's a lot of things to do and little time for myself, I just wish there's more hours in a day. I sacrifice most of my time in exchange for sleeping. I get like 4-6 hours sleep everyday. Weekends, worst. I'm so tired but things need to be done. Like I said, it's not easy to be a Eurasian plus the fact I'm a little greedy and want things to be done. Problem is, most things involved money and I've been eating so much in a day. Probably a day, 2-3 days worth of ration. Bummer......

My body sores, I got several breathing problems and probably 2-3 mild stroke/heartache. Oh well, another year for me. Yipeee~!

2011-02-05T01:49:00.003+08:00

It's been ages since I wrote. Anyway, here's life up-to-date. My life is still messed up, I want everything to go away. I use to be the guy without aims, I just go with the flow. Where ever the wind takes me, where ever the road goes. Now, I have to choose. I have to aim. I have to follow according to the world. Last time, the world follows me around, now I must adapt. Haix, I just wish I can quickly escape from life. When I started aiming, that's when the stress really came.

Everytime I'm with my uncle, he hit me a valuable knowledge in me. I want to be like him. But I may not be capable of doing so. I gave up too easily, I prefer the old me, my friends prefer the current me. I used to spend money worst than an open tap. Now the moneys all gone, it's still very hard to adapt without it. I wasn't born rich, I was probably born pampered and just enough. Expectation increases, demand increases, income not increasing.

Difference within me, I used to eat for the purpose of filling stomach, now I want good tasty food. That means expensive places, dining in restaurants, etc. Then my taste in slightly more expensive clothes. I'm nearly 21 but this is like supposed to happen a long time ago. But I have to admit, last time I was awesome but lonely. I was always the quiet type until I became demanding of attention. I changed, for the better and for the worst?

I was never really good in sports but I'm not the worst. Always keeping at the borderline, I guess. Anyway, it's getting late. Good night folks

2010-12-28T12:20:00.002+08:00

So, my cousin and I had a big fight over MSN yesterday. You see, I have a lot of plans next year, it's gonna be a slow deadly one but I need to make it perfect or great. Yeah, no stress and suddenly got stress. When the year is coming closer and closer, I was scared that I couldn't make it the first week. All my plans will be shattered. And that's what my cousin did to me.

He's 26 and he really acts like one dumbo. Seriously, everything he's ever good at, all directly in the textbook. Anyway, we had a discussion and I was convincing him to play floorball again. Find ways for him to make him enter Division 1. Few jokes and there suddenly he insulted me. One insult I can take but until God knows how many times, I screwed him. He obviously hit back with the intention of it as a 'joke'. He didn't stop and keep doing it. I finally told him off, told him that I gave up on helping him find a way to go floorball training. Bryan on the other hand, supported Sherwynd. They keep pressuring me to become a defender and I told them I don't want to but if the team wants me as a defender, I will. Then they started comparing me with other strikers and I was like what the heck? I just came in and I did well for a beginner. How can you compare me to the top strikers and All-Stars?

Then I said okay, I listen to you, I become a defender. Asked him whether he satisfied, he said no. Then what the Hell? Then they degrade me further from defender to first-aider to scout to ball retriever to etc. I just replied okay, I listen to you. Until he asked me to suck his balls and use my words against me by copy pasting my words repeatedly when I said even the dumbest person won't do that since they call me dumb. Hello, I'm a better player on my own than this 2. Reason why they are good cause they have the best assists. Most of my goals were solo goals, no assists. I learn and trained the hard way. I didn't take 5-7 years, I took 1, 1 year.

I suck in football, yes, I admit. But you played every single day to become who you are. I didn't spend my time on one sport. So after that, I just got out of the conversation and they re-invited me in but I didn't bother anymore. I was supposed to go out for the Arsenal-Chelsea match but I messaged them that I don't feel like going. Honestly, Sherwynd's word are poison and because of yesterday, I'm really about to give up on everything. There was more to it than this. Bryan only listens to and follows people. He never decides himself. Last word I saw was Bryan saying I was unpredictable and Sherwynd calling me 'Donny-Girl'. Fuck them.

2010-12-17T11:48:00.002+08:00

Okay, I'm writing comments about my third love life. Although some may see as betrayal, yes, I see as betrayal too but I wish that you can understand. I didn't meant for all this to happen. I lied to you, to protect you cause I don't want you to leave me but all that, I came clean and nothing can deny that I really loved you and only you. I went for greater distance when I'm with you. You were the one that completed me. If it weren't for you, I would already became something else. I won't ask you to forgive me but I just wish you understand, you meant everything for me and I had kept this dark secret for far too long. Yes, I blame myself cause this turn out to be karma.

Do you know what you did to me? Before you, I chose to work, no education, just work. And before I decided to propose, I went on to think that I want a family with you. Even at my age, I shouldn't be thinking but I thought of it for you and for myself. I went through the life of non-education work and it's terrible. You were the boast.

I went to form 6, I cannot cope. I seriously couldn't. If you said my decision to quit form 6 means I'm a quitter, no I'm not. Going to form 6 was to me, quitting my long live dream to become an engineer. I always wanted to become an computer engineer and going to form 6, I'll not have that option anymore. Only mistake I did was working at that time as a bartender but I regretted. I only wanted to help my previous boss. Many of my old colleagues stayed for the same reason. Immediately after our relation was in problem, I quit only to know the next morning is too late.

I have a trauma, I cannot face a death of a dearly departed. At your time, I had 3 people passed away, I needed you and you weren't there. That's why I was always hot-tempered. Check the timeline on when it happens, my dear friend of 6 years, passed away and before the break, my grandmother passed away. After that, at end of November when you gave up on me, my favourite drinking buddy passed away.

But from this relation, I learned to stop drinking. What I'm drinking nowadays, is far less than before. Where do you think my working money went to? I have a friend that helped me so much, when he asked me to go for a drink, how can I deny that? I owed him a lot.

As for the fact that my reasons for being close to you was in fact an order, yes, I obliged to perform for my troop. But the order wasn't to date any of you, it was my own choice and nobody from the higher authority knew about it. You were there, you should know how I kept everything a secret from them. Why am I telling you this now, cause I despise them and after so long serving them, they didn't want me to continue to pursued you all from coming back. They claim it's a lost cause but I didn't give up then. I continued.

I'm doing everything for you, almost nothing for myself even till now. And I was labelled as stupid, crazy, emo, etc by my friends. I ignored them cause now, doing for you is doing me a favour. I may not entirely moved on cause it was a really bad breakup. But no matter what happen, I seriously can tell you, I don't have the guts to tell it to you face-to-face. You knew me well, I'm never what I'm in front of you. I cannot imagine it thus, I'm different out face and in front of you.

But I really meant well for you, you will have a good life. I will have a good life until I face reality and make my dreams come true. I was born and educated the way I'm. Like I said in my previous entry, being a Eurasian is hard. There's a certain level I must be. Good luck......

2010-12-14T01:56:00.002+08:00

So, it's confirmed. I'm lost once more. Damn the Gods for not telling me their plans. But if I try my best, can I do it? Can I get what I want? My heart didn't want to accept it but my mind knows it's the truth. It's my fault for everything that matters. But I really really wish that, I don't have to go through this. Still, I'm determined. I tried changing myself but it's not who I'm or I'm not capable of doing so. But I'm really scared, God. The last time I tried to change myself, I became arrogant. Nobody liked me. Peoples like, 'Typical'.

Still, I need to prove to know one but everyone that I'm changeable. I would wait years for it and I really hoped when I come back, it's not too late. So, within my time in college from now till the end, I plan to finish what's need to be done in Penang and study in KL, come back. And when I do, I gonna show everybody again. If I fail, I want to leave Malaysia for good. Or at least far away from Penang. I'm really scared. I'm scared not of changes, I'm scared of the speed of changes. Things may change to fast and I can't catch it.

Being a Eurasian is really tough cause you are determined to achieved something. You will never go out, seeing a Eurasian that has done nothing. There's always something at least. The pressure is so heavy. I really feel like dying but in such a way it's not suicide. Not planned. Just die out of the sudden. You all will not understand what life is been through to me. It's a living Hell and it disguises itself. You thought you are out of it but it's just a bottomless pit and you are down there.

Reason I'm so childish is because, if I'm not, I won't fit my age. When I was serious, nobody takes me seriously cause I'm conservative. I like that, I really love ancient methods. Oh God, please take away this pain rest below the heart.

2010-12-13T04:31:00.002+08:00

Another story! Anyway, it's tiring to be a Kessler. Especially when in the Eurasian community, a Eurasian must be good in something. For instance, sports. In my family, most were sportsmen once. I didn't care much about my heritage until I found how important is it to be a Eurasian. And over the years, Kessler are going down under.

When I realized that, everything was already completely wiped out. We have no known sportsmen in our family since my grandfather. So in memories to keep our heritage, I decided to be a sportsmen. Not entirely but still, a little more here and there. My line of generation have too few to bring out the family's name. There's only 4 boys in our generation and I'm beginning to worry. I'm the second eldest and the first eldest is doing his best. Problem is, he's more into the other side of the family. And I'm considered what is left.

I was the favourite of my grandfather although I was very....... Evil and ruin the family's name many times. I want to show myself that I can bring up the family name. My uncle is in support of my ideas but I have to not follow my father's footstep. My father is actually the disgraced one. I had plans for the family and I'm serious in bringing the family up. If not, our heritage will be completely wiped out. I hope that one day, I can follow some of the footsteps of my grandfather. As I owe to him like how he owe to me, a good future. He's done his part and it's my turn.

Kessler's POWER!

2010-12-11T19:55:00.002+08:00

So, I was back from surgery. Then when I was back home, the pain started coming. It was so painful. I cried, yes, tears came out. All I could do was drugged myself. The pills the hospital gave was ineffective so my mum gave me some painkillers. I still couldn't bear the pain and wait for the effects to come so I drugged myself with sleeping pills. I took a total of 9 pills over 1 hour. During that time, I really felt like dying. It was so painful. In that pain, I tried to calm myself by making myself busy. But I saw something disturbing and my heart couldn't take it. I guess I was over it, it's been years, I stopped counting. I couldn't take it and that's why I turn to the painkillers and sleeping pills.

Well, honestly, it was a girl. She didn't care for me anymore. We don't speak unless I do. There is still a girl that speaks to me but when it comes to love, I didn't want to talk about it. Everytime she asked me if I'm not over that girl, I said "Maybe...... Maybe a little". To my heart, I really don't know. I put 3 years into knowing this girl. But if who is it to blame, it's me. I wasn't truly loyal until the mid-part of the relation, well, at least my friends can see that. I wasn't so much of flirting but I was indeed having a little fun. Girls came to me and I let them flirt. Something I couldn't do in middle school since everyone knew my sneakiness back then. I hated girls in fact, a lot.

My first love was kinda terrible. She was all good, in school and I was a goody goody type. She clubs, smokes, drinks, something I would forbid a long time ago. Then when I looked back, I think I did all those thing for her. To become the same 'type' as her. I didn't so much smoked but I tried to do illegal stuff just to look cool. I always got myself into trouble, even cried. Yeah, I was a cry baby last time. Well, this blog is for my inner feelings. This girl I loved was long. About nearly 2 years. I remembered when I first walked into class, she was so cute. But she was a bit of a..... Tomboy.... Brings me to my primary school crush, that girl was also a tomboy. I think still is! But this first love, even after I proposed, rejected cause she see me really as a friend. She told me one of darkest secret and this secret worried me so I consult my best friend. He accidentally asked her about it when I was the only one who knew about it. I apologized and ended our friendship. After graduation, we still became friends. I still remembered, I wrote a essay about her but more on that at the bottom. Cause this involved the third girl, I think. Seriously can't recall. Lol. But I learned a lot from this girl, she was more mature than everyone I knew at that time. She taught a lot of things. She even taught me the word, 'lover'. After that, I address my girlfriends, a friend that is a girl, and lover, to whom I love.

Then in form 3, I met this group of girls but it wasn't until I was form 3 that I started liking this girl from the group. Well, there were more sporting so I tagged along. One started to fall for me but I liked another girl. I still remembered the time when I got sick in camp, she was the one that took care of me. I was laying on her lap as pillow since the ground was hard. I couldn't remember much. She was the one so concern over me. After camp, she and her friend approached me. I thought it was the end. They were from Butterworth and all so it's hard. We chat once so late at nights in a webcam convo. All this while in the end, I proposed to her and she rejected me due to exam. Then the affection I found out or realized was, she's normal in doing all those stuff. She would do this to anyone. Anyway, we departed and never spoke again after I sent her a gift for her birthday. It was still too hard for me to commit cause we stayed a bridge away. Last time I met her was at PC Fair, really a bad place to meet. If anyone was there at the time, they will see like I'm playing around with all the girls. Which is something I think my ex's friend saw. Cause I was there to find my ex and I saw her and we chat while walking inside the entrance. My ex's friend saw me and I forgotten the details. But I came there for a reason, more on that in the bottom.

Then comes to the third and my first girlfriend, whom I lied to. I said I started loving her when I was form 4. It wasn't totally true actually. I was still in love with the last girl when I met her. But I decided to end my second love's relation cause I found her. I actually took an interest, only interest in her when I first met her in end of form 4. Genuinely cause her name was the same as my first love. It's like a thing that you want to know, that's all. Yes, she was the prettiest in the group only thing I remembered was, she have a baby voice that time. Like she hadn't matured xD But after a year exactly, I came by to this patrol meeting that was near to my place. And then,

I started falling for her. I became close to her and her friends cause during that time, it was an order. An instruction by the higher levels to bond with the group, it was way before the 2007 TC2 when we got the instructions. But I took interest in the my ex. Honestly, this secret is something I would kill myself letting anyone know but I'm out of the Scouts so I don't care anymore. From there, everyone slowly bond along but the bond was highly on my side cause....... My other friends said it was pointless to bond with them. I always defended the girls, I even gave them advises so that they will continue to help do activities. My intentions was good, I never used them for our personal interest. It was my higher authorities' fault to begin with that lost the guides from their school the last time. They even hinted that I couldn't fall in love cause I will be under their spell. So, when I finally proposed to her and gotten accepted, I told her that our relation must be in secret. No photos of us whatsoever, not a damn clue about us all to protect my standings in scouts. Regret a bit la. Iif they knew, they would either scold me or use me to use them. So, in the relation, I pulled her out of it. And slowly, she and her friends came out. I kept their life-membership though, in case. I don't think they will come back.

But anyhow, things where bad, like I said, I was into the relationship until mid-half. I'm not used to it. I worked really hard to help my boss who had lack of workers. He only sleeps like 4-5 hours a day, the rest are working. So that's why I helped. And plus, my parents couldn't afford to pay me much allowance so I needed to find some entertainment. This stress brought into my relationship and I was so angry at her cause she didn't want to listen to me. And something I swore not to become, I became, jealous. I wasn't easily jealous actually until that time. I wasn't the only one okay. Everyone said I surely will jealous and they understood why. I kept quiet, said, nope. But all my times with her, not once was a waste. Truly a remarkable woman. Maybe I will try on you again, when we are still single and it's been like 5-10 years time xD Cause after writing this long, it's a bit sad to let go but I cannot hold on to you. When you left, I never improved myself, not one bit. When you were there, I was awesome. But I'm older than you and I should be the one over you. I should be the matured one.

So, about the essay part. In SPM, I wrote a story, similiar to what I'm writing now. It went through all the story before SPM till the time and place where I sat. And I wrote and quote, "After a long time, here I'm, the very place I sit, we lots of road to begin. Where should I choose, to go for my first love or of the former girl (former meaning the 3rd love, which soon became my lover)? As I write my essay, I turned behind, she is there, sitting 3 seats behind me. Could she be the one? Or is this where I realized, who I truly love?". Now you know the truth, why I chose to the 3rd. After writing that essay, I pushed to move on and I got lucky. You see, everytime I write something, I end up doing something or deciding something. Same as this. I decided to prove to everyone, that I'm better than what I'm. And it's time to prospect, outside of Scouting. Next year is my grandfather's 10-years anniversary and I want to win the Penang Bridge Marathon. At least get something that would announce that, I'm the next Kessler to take the Kessler's name in running!

And so, in the year 2010, December 11th, I'm going to aim something higher. I'm going to somewhere further. I'll meet you on the top and to achieve this, I have to abandon everything I believed in and focus on something new and better. My plans are:

I gonna be a better sportman

I gonna be a better student

I gonna be a better person

I gonna be a better gamer

I gonna be..... Awesome

And for this, I risk my entire year forth, to achieve that. All so that my 3 love, would see it and even they must say, "Oh, he's doing alright." and then only I can say I achieved my dreams. All the best!

2010-12-06T10:02:00.002+08:00

So it's decided. I hereby quit from Scouting. What really triggered me was when I was at Eng Wooi's party. I wrote the resignation letter about a week before. I just couldn't let go at first until the party. The party was suppose to be an unofficial thing but Harjinder mentioned about Scouting. It was finally decided, no matter what we do, it's gonna be about Scouting so I decided to quit. What really made me even more wanting to give the letter was when we head out to eat.

Due to a certain misunderstanding and really poor organizing, a group of people were left without any transport back. This can easily be done if I sent the other group back instead. They didn't think of this and I was really angry. They were drinks in the party and I was really tired so I wanted to sent them back home. I really couldn't leave the guys. Since the other group were girls, Eng Wooi 'wants' to sent them home, leaving the guys behind. The guys all followed my car and left their in Eng Wooi's which was in Sg. Ara while we went and eat in town. I live in Tanjung Tokong so you really couldn't expect me to sent the guys back all the way to Sg. Ara or wait in town.

Nobody else could fit in the Eng Wooi's car. You will get what I mean if you're there. It was Harjinder and Lye Boon's fault for saying they want to walk around town, their hometown. In the end, they didn't, they plan to sit down there until Eng Wooi came back. Problem is, it's not only them, no, if it was 2 people then it's okay. But there were other 2, Tian Hong and Tjun Yan. They didn't say they want to stay around. So I called Eng Wooi, he turned back after sending one of the girls back (they were total of 4 girls). There weren't any place yet to fit all 4 guys so I decided to at least sent them to near Sunshine Jelutong, at one of the girl's house since after that the car can fit. I sent them and left.

From there to my journey back home, I really thought of it. And yes, it's time to leave. I really cannot handle the pressure. My reasons of leaving was also some misuse of power, self-proclaimed leaders and unfairness. Every single thing when we do as a group, whether officially or unofficially, it's gonna be stress. I cannot take in the stress, I'm not what I'm used to be. It was seriously a waste to drop out half-way through. But time after time after time, it's not worth the effort anymore.

Anyway, take care.

2010-11-27T15:22:00.003+08:00

So, let's discuss the difference between me and emo people.

Emo >> Hates life, they probably want to kill themselves but are cowardly unable to do so.

Me >> Hates life at times, I don't want to kill myself. I just want some tension ease up.

Emo >> They talk about emotional stuff.

Me >> I'm curing myself from being so indirect so I discuss about it, hence, my blog. I talk to myself.

Emo >> They need a shrink.

Me >> I need a shrink but I'm probably going to recorrect them xD

Emo >> They talk about life in their blog, how bad their life are.

Me >> I talk about life, how good or bad, this blog is my therapy blog (what!? xD)

Emo >> They probably distant themselves.

Me >> I have to admit, I want to distant myself too but sometimes that alone should only be the time I need to be alone. An 'to-myself' day or something. I can't stand some facts that I'm surrounded by so many people.

2010-11-26T01:45:00.003+08:00

I gotten my first goal for the first time playing against better players. Today, I scored a hat-trick, my first time too. My 3rd goal was the last goal. The feeling was awesome. I was even limping when playing, I just deal with the pain. I'm not trying to show off and all,

I'm just about to say, at times like this, regardless with whatever the pain is, you just have to face the facts, endure it and live it. Times like this, make things worth everything.

Goodnight =)

2010-11-17T16:41:00.002+08:00

So I tried to sort out my life this couple of weeks and I'm not sure I'm up the challenge though. Enough of the sitting around doing nothing all day, I decided to be more serious in life again. I guess I'm more looking forward in creating my plan, the GreaterHaven. Yes, if you've been keeping track, GreaterHaven is a philosophy I invented to have a better life. GreaterHaven was created about 2 years ago, a place of sanctuary I guess.

I kept myself more updated with the world, politics mostly, trying to find a way to maintain in Malaysia particularly. I started searching for job reviews to look what I should expect when I graduate. What my aim in life. Although a little of my past still haunts me. And yes, there's a way to survive in Malaysia =)

I started counting again what am I to do with my 'gift'. I recount the tracks of the banking interest I could get if I save, honestly, I had no idea how much. A friend of mine rechecked my calculation and to my amaze, this bank compound interest is really the 7th wonders of the world. I thought I solved it a long time ago but he corrected me. What I calculated, is far less of what I should actually get. Even I was shocked. He told me with a interest of 7-8%, in 7-8 years, I will get back double of whatever I saved. I'll have to keep that in mind.

Anyway, there's still a long way to go. Take care mate!

2010-10-26T00:31:00.002+08:00

Life couldn't be better. Less downs than ups but it's boring! I practically have a lot of time and I mostly only surf the net. Google, my favourite website. Anything, I just checked up on Google. Games I play, Backyard Monster, Utopia, ThreeKingdoms, GhostTrappers and TheNinja-RPG. Most of the time I spend on Facebook since 4/5 of the games I play is in Facebook.

Then I would surf torrents for new series and read the news. Politics here and there, sports and several others.

Anyway, just trying to make this blog alive. Bye!

2010-10-19T21:33:00.002+08:00

So what happen to myself lately? It's been really fast and here I'm coping with college again. I started waking up myself lately, last semester a bit hectic with moving house and all. Right now, most of my classes are about 9am or 10am which is a good thing since when I opened my curtains, the sun directly wakes me up. This tactic is develop just recently cause since 2008 after I started working at night, I somehow couldn't sleep or even take a nap on daylight. Just about a month ago, I think my body is beginning to be better, I can sleep and take naps already. Must be the stress release, I do admit that I have less stress nowadays. Must be because of letting go of stuff cause last time, I hold a lot of things and all gives problem sometimes. Pile it up and it landslides!

I began leaving a few browser games, I still can't believe I played nearly a total of 10 games per day. Now, 3-4?? Older I get, less active. Speaking of old, I now don't play sports for half a year already and my body is praying for some running. Since I can't play sports due to abnormality at the ankle structures, I stretch more and more often. Who knows, I could grow a few centimetres. I smoke less this few weeks (imagine a box a day cut down to half a box). Still, my cigarettes finishes, friends take and take. Just 2 days ago, I ate 2 meals a day, really helping. Feel lighter xD

Now I just wish my skin can be fairer a bit. Still too dark. Now I got tonnes of show from a website my friend introduces to me. Hopefully that can make me stay indoors more often.

Anyway, buh-bye....

2010-09-25T19:04:00.002+08:00

I began to talk with an old friend. Not close but I met him a long time ago. And it's pretty fucked up. He's trying to be smarter than me despite my countless time telling him it's my own decision and only an opinion. He was like trying to make me accept what he thinks. But frankly speaking, I can't cause his mind is very very shallow.

He do not think about the future and he thinks that if he aims at this one thing, he is surely to get it. Trying to reason that it's not always a dream come through, I kinda fed up. We talked about studies, he was telling me that he only needs a diploma to achieve his dreams. Then I only told him I planned getting at least Degree and advance to Master Degree and he just said it's all paper. So I tried telling him that the world wants to see this paper so I'm adapting to the world. My plan is to take Degree part time and advance through the stages in engineering. Master Degree would maybe when I'm about to retire, to secure my assets and job. He said practical is needed more. I said in order to do so, theory is needed first. We kept arguing ever since.

The next day, we were having some casual talking and I asked him to get a car license. I mean, convenient sake right? Despite having a car, there is a time in life you will need to buy one. Even a motorbike. He said he doesn't need one since he's gonna be an air steward. He's relying on public transportation but does it ever occurred that you have leave from work? Or maybe he didn't become an air steward? He said he's still gonna take a cab even in Penang. I just told him he can't expect cabs to be at every corner of the road. He still justify he's correct. Until to one point, I went, "If I become an air steward, I would get one, regardless I become one, just in case I don't become an air steward. And doesn't mean I don't a car, I won't be driving one." Then he went "hmmmmm".

Seriously ridiculous talking to especially a stubborn person. He's probably the type of person that relies on another person. But you shouldn't expect them to bring you everytime or be free. Owning a license doesn't mean you should owned a car. You can still borrow from friends or parent.

Well, I rest my case.

2010-09-23T00:45:00.002+08:00

Being offered something that you once had but you let go and it was offered again. It makes me think back, should I drop everything again and move towards that path? I had ties that I wish not to break, I don't this people to think I changed and so, I let go. I was offered to train as a DJ once again, this time, my cousin offered me. Something I would seriously reconsider. Knowing that it's my cousin, it will always mean trouble. Gangsterism, drugs, drinking. A life I chose not to enter. Pointless.

All those how cool is it to be a mafia and shit, in real life is totally different. I shake seeing things and I saw a lot of unwanted things. My friends do this kinds of things, tempted me. Of course I got some good heart in me still. Though I started smoking and drinking cause of them. But I don't want such a life, I want beyond! Who knows what I'll be. I may be gone by then. Which came to my thinking once more, life is short and there's things I want to try. Even once...........

2010-09-20T12:46:00.002+08:00

Since today is special day, I must write something =)

Comparing myself about 2-3 years ago, I was so much better. I had a life, full of it, no worries and I respect myself better. Full of motivation and confidence. And everything when haywire exactly 2 years ago. I began smoking more than usual but I tried stopping more than usual. Started smoking light cigarettes but thank God my drinking habit didn't increase. I didn't really have stress with studying, I don't need to cause I was kinda special and doing rather so so in studies without studying. Now I have to study if not I will die. I guess over the years, what I'm studying is getting harder and harder.

During my time where I work, I worked very hard and I don't have much complains. I have no real feelings either which is good so I can focus. But a person taught me so which is a good thing until I was overthinking. I guess there weren't much anything that will bring to my downfall then. Now, I judge almost everything. Some of my best friends even said I was better before. I gotten worse.

It was a bad decision to enter form 6, I regretted. I tried my very best but I don't fit being tied down to rules and school uniform. I did pretty alright in college now but you should see when I was in high school, no studying and can get decent scores. Here, study also only gets borderline. Everytime I would think about what happen. I guess my grandfather was the impact. I start declining since standard 5 when he passed away. I was doing so well, top 10 in class. Then enters form 1, start getting lazy, didn't do homework (which was a first). Then no story in form 2, I was quiet then. More focus in finishing year 2004. Form 3 was my peak where I was at the highest most notorious student in the school. Form 4 started declining a bit and by form 5, I was unbeaten in arguments. Too good to device my getaway tricks, no teachers can overcome me or even stop me. At 18, I was also awesome, full freedom. 2009 was the worst year I had, 2010 was rather okay. And now I'm, hoping to ever advance to my peak once more.

If I can do it, it would make me more prepared in life. When I was 18, I faced the world. Full of awesomeness but once I realized it, I got hit badly. Right now, after 2 years, I'm going to hit the real world once more. I wasn't prepared the last time, I'm getting more prepared now!

2010-08-30T01:48:00.002+08:00

How I wish addiction can be easily cured. I tried to stop smoking, failed badly once more. This time is harder cause I'm more tense. I regret I didn't stop earlier when I had the chance. But I gonna try it again.

I used to have a lot of addiction and habits. Habits like bitting my fingernails, which I totally stopped bitting. It feels different. I had alcohol addiction too but when I stopped, beer kinda turn into water which ruin the fun of it.

I went to stay with my uncle for 2 weeks but had to leave earlier because a lot of unfinished work in Penang. My uncle's house was great and all but it didn't lasted. There was total freedom there and I so want to be my uncle. He's like a single man with a wife. He buys things like it's water but he said he keep a budget (totally a lie). He got PS3, Nintendo Wii, Xbox, pool table, jacuzzi, 3 dogs, penthouse, several high end computers and laptop, a closet full of expensive watch, a train set that cost him about 15 grand, etc. And he told me he already bought a mansion. He's also the youngest of 9 other siblings. A successful computer engineer.

Someone I idolize and hopefully I can reach. Still, I need to stop my smoking addiction and seriously, smoking has lost it's meaning but I can't stop. I went there hoping to stop under my uncle's guidance but failed. I learn a lot in my trip there even if it's 2 weeks. My uncle gave me the freedom and responsibility to take care. He's good.

Anyway, I really still believe that my life when I was young was way better than before. I wish I could go back, when troubles were not there entirely or when I don't see it. Seeing it doesn't make it better, it's best unknown. Thanks for reading.

2010-08-22T05:46:00.002+08:00

Right now, there's a disturbing news I would like to share. It's about my hatred to Protestants, not generally, maybe to the Protestants I know.

What really gets into my nerve is, Protestants are not only anti-Catholics, they got no other work to do than to bug me and give criticism to my religion when we are the true teachings of Christians. To me, their religion are close to be cease from existence because they are created not for 'religion purposes' but only to show a mockery as Christians.

Let me first get something clear first, Christians are divided into 5 groups, Roman Catholic, Anglicans, Oriental Orthodox, Eastern Orthodox and Protestants. Somehow in Malaysia, all those Christians that are not Roman Catholic are Protestants (including the other 3). This Protestants protested the Roman Catholic Churches saying that our teachings are corrupted, misguided, etc. Let me explain, corrupted, I can agree because the priests are human too, surely they some influence by the deadly sins. It may be true before but the church has already corrected their mistakes for so long ago. Misguided? Just because you Protestants cannot accept the moral values, you defy the religion that you were once in?

I can tell you why Protestants are wrong in so many ways too. Their so called missionaries (yes, a lot of Protestants go for missionaries) are a bunch of vacation time for them. What are missionaries? To spread Christianity to others, NOT to have fun or spread your religion among yourself. That's what masses are for. And their masses are all for mocking the Roman Catholics most of the time, not enforcing the religion. An example would be my non-Christian friend who spend 3 hours listening at least 2 hours on the wrong teachings of Roman Catholic.

And Protestants do not believe in hardwork, although they are hypocrites. They believe all hardwork done to gain something are not by that hardwork but by faith. Those lowly teenage Protestants didn't do this, well, I do. It was written by their 3 laws or something, no hidden meaning or anything. They do not pray to the cross, saying that it's an act of what people pray to rocks, sun and such. I told a Protestant to destroy their grandfather and grandmother's gravestone when they question and said that it's wrong to pray to the cross. Come on, the cross is merely a symbol of Christ.

Roman Catholic forbids divorce, terribly forbids and Protestants allows so. I feel that this teachings are like boundaries rather. I mean, is it wrong to forbid divorce? It's a good thing actually. Unlike the King of England who join Protestants only so he can have 6 wives (Henry VIII). Priest don't get married because they chose to dedicate to God and it's their choice. Protestants' pastor are allowed to get married and from where I read, 80% cannot commit themselves to both God or their wives, average pastor devoted is 14 years, etc. That's bad.

For once I think that Protestants are growing stronger, indeed but the population proves them and me wrong otherwise. Protestants are too lenient and surely teenagers like that. Roman Catholic are conservative but I still believe in them. I may not have devoted myself this few years, I still believe in the teachings. Still, Protestants are strict in certain ways but mostly all non-religious teachings. I have not seen a religion condemn their own religion so much as Protestants do. Protestants pray only to Jesus while we pray also to the other Saints, Angel, etc. Their teachings are but 2, Old and New Testaments. We also believe in those 2 and several others. Many more things we believe in and they said it's wrong. The thing is, the bible all together are created way before the 'proclaimed' corruption over the Roman Catholic Church but yet they choose only to believe in 2. It's like they are choosing what they feel is good for them only. FEEL, doesn't mean it's good.

I write this message to show my annoyance has reached to the highest of my limits. This is not all, personally, any Protestants can voice out, I don't mind but I do believe I have an answer to tell you why this and that. Hopefully, I can keep your mouth shut and realized that you are wrong. I gather a lot of information to defend myself and trust me, the Protestants I know, nothing new from them. Anyway, thanks for reading!

2010-07-12T19:19:00.002+08:00

So, I came out with self therapy and I came out with this plan.

Since my brain function very well at night, I came out with this schedule for next semester.

Weekdays

6am-5pm = College (just an estimation)

5pm-3am = Sleep

3am-6am = Study, assignments, etc

Weekends

11pm-7am = Work

7am-5pm = Free

5pm-10pm = Sleep

In weekends, I will have Sunday free so I can rest and change my biological clock to fit for weekdays. Hopefully this schedule can improve my grades. I'm aiming at least 3.25 minimum next semester. Hope I can do it, brace yourself Donovan xD

2010-07-12T00:11:00.004+08:00

So today was really a bad day to go painting. I was so God Damned tired! We did the work a day earlier and why we went painting? Yeah, Rovers has a new clubhouse! We now really have a place to call on our own, we can do almost anything there. We are sharing with this NGO environment group and we volunteered to help paint the whole place. Cause of that, we are allowed to use the place whenever we want since the organization are gonna use only a little. I guess this is really goodbye huh? Boo Leong's departing gift..... He's gonna announce this in the reunion dinner.

Anyway, only a handful of people came to help. We had a meeting and everyone was like blaming me for the fact that I was the cause of the downfall for Rovers. I really was the downfall but own scouts was part of the downfall too. I really tried my best to redeem my mistakes but I have my limits of what I can give too. I tried convincing myself that it's over, I even wanted to quit. I can't stand the fact that it was really my fault. It's like you done something wrong, you must leave. You must. I love scouting too much, I stayed around only because of Boo Leong. He once said to me, "All our hardwork is there and it's sad that every year we are losing more and more people. We are not asking for much, we just want you all to just stick around and contribute a bit. You gain the knowledge and all, then you leave, is that fair?". I stayed because of those words. Boo Leong and us went way back, under direct training and scolding during his era where he was still very very strict. Now slack a bit =D

Anyhow, after today, I was reconsidering my early retirement in the society. I feel I'm more of the hindering between than a asset. Less a people would make the place running but weirdly enough because of one person, the whole group fall during the start.

2010-07-07T18:58:00.002+08:00

It's a major depression when everything you wanted, you didn't do it to earn it. I went to the student counter today and the clerk went, "Where have you been? Your attendance is so poor". I was obviously shocked but their are right, my attendance is poor. I'm going to get barred from the finals due to my attendance in college. And there's 1 more week left.

I went to my friends and informed them regarding this matter. My friend obviously tried to persuade me to not give up and fight for an appeal. But, there's really nothing I could do or want to do. My results is getting worst due to my attendance. Instead of getting better, it's getting much more worst.

Ever believe that when my 2 friends were deciding to quit, I manage to convince them to not do so? I'm in a much worst position than them. One of my friend, 24, wanted to quit due to subject getting harder and another, already married, was going to move out to KL with his family. They had a choice so I convince them so. My case, failing a subject is a major impact, whether it's barred or not. I still probably couldn't pass the subjects anyway. I have 5 subjects and probably fail 3 of them.

Rumour also went around, "Donovan is always late on Mondays, either that or never around". That's because I'm so freaking tired on weekends. I work nightshifts and remain active on days. I couldn't have time to rest nor sleep. But I actually do have time, I don't know why I chose not to. My friends just ask me to stop and I couldn't give them a clear answer. I don't need the money nor do I need to do anything on weekends. I just couldn't let go of all this.....

I tried my best to put a smiling face but in deep, I hold grudges. I recently always fight with my best friend Kumaran. I believed he changed to be the more arrogant person than before. Everything went so freaking well and all down in one go. I'm always having problems, whether it's sick, injury, sleepy, etc. I'm aging so fast I believe and I can't keep track to it. I'm also tired of fighting for rights, unfairness and shit. I even fought with one of my lecturer for being so unfair. Indirectly I believe that's why I don't come to class often. But for that lecturer's class, it's the same shit day by day, believe me, I asked.

I gonna have a long semester break and I decided to take that time and change. But I know one thing, people and closeness will bring me down. If I ever do change, it's finally for myself. I imagine the life I gonna face, a time of emptiness, always busy, away from everyone and arrogant. That's the only way I can be the better person. I have no choice...........

2010-07-02T00:15:00.002+08:00

I discussed with my cousin, Sherwynd and Bryan over my position in Firebrands in the sports of floorball. I got confidence now. Now it's time to train for division 1, the hardest and most honourable division in Penang. I got a rating of 5 and 6.5 out of 10 with my current status for division 1 and in Firebrands, Bryan rate me as the top 8 best. That was really a boast for me! Right now I need to beat 7 people from my team and countless others from other team to gain the glory I needed to satisfy my undying thirst that I didn't get during division 2. Right now I need to focus on this "Rising Star" tourney that will start on August. This is where I show others what I'm capable of. This tourney could be a flunk though, it's suppose to be a "All-Rookie" tourney but seems like it's not. I heard some national players are gonna play. More like Seniors to me. I must get the Super Rookie title!

My talent? Shooting, speed and chasing. That's what I got when they evaluate me. Shooting was by Sherwynd though. It's been 4 months since I started, I went for about 5-6 trainings, played 7 games and scored 6 goals so far. More coming soon!

Yes, THE KESSLERS GONNA GO INTO DIVISION 1!

Worst Nightmare

2010-06-30T09:26:00.003+08:00

Let me be truthful, I don't want to forget this dream and I usually forget dreams easily. This dreams are generated by it's own and not by my control. It means something but I don't understand at all. Purely my own nightmare and it's not to offend any party. This is uncontrollable and if anyone is in this story, it's too bad that I wrote it down here, I just want to never forget this dream, that's why I created this blog anyway. The people involved in this blog doesn't know about my blog if I were to directly tell them so no worries anyway.

1st dream, you kissing with a guy with a very deceiving look at a beach for some national parade on the evening. The guy held you and ask for a kiss, you said no repeatedly, not in front of the camera but he kissed you anyway, you got into it. The camera just focus on both of you. That doesn't look like you at all. I saw through a video posted in facebook, everything seem so real, it was with a message of enjoy or something. Though I knew who was holding the camera to record. Every single message I had in my own profile is there and in order, up to what's in current! I woke up moments later from this would be disastrous nightmare.

2nd dream, the imagine was blur but I remembered confronting you and you were like denying the facts. We were in Hamid Khan, the final block at the end, along the hallway was where we were talking. You didn't came alone, your cousin was actually bringing you to another party or something but when we were arguing, you back-off and suddenly disappeared. I first asked if you could wait cause I got to tell you something. I asked you to come to a certain function to talk and you said you can't cause you're meeting with someone. The function is actually empty, nobody attended, I knew somehow without even being inside. How I knew, I gonna explain. First time does my dream links when I wake up. I was scared in my dreams. You came back to haunt me again after all this years. You got fed up and just said, "There were beers and all, I was drunk that's all". I woke up yet again, this time I cannot accept that person I was confronting, was even you.

3rd dream, same situation again for the 3rd time, I told you that, I'm not here anymore and disappear. When I disappear, it's like a shadow and I move away. You turn back after you heard my words and I was already gone. You only saw a glimpse of shadows, thinking that I wanted to scare you with my words and shadow. You went on and there was this guys from my college, the badass friends. Drunk, sitting at the buddhist hut. You went with one of the guys and the rest gave you both your privacy. 3 of them and you choose this guy CB, which had his arms over you and you were like into it. I cannot forget that face you gave me when you tell me you were drunk and that's all. I appear and tried to stop you but was stop by my friends. I push myself away and then everything went blur again. Trying to remember this dream is tough but I believe it was a trap and many guys were actually around. I somehow manage to save you. You hugged me and say thank you. You said I love you but I disappear again. At home in MSN, you messaged me "I love you" but somehow, I can't reply you anymore maybe because, I was really not there anymore in the beginning.

I think I was dead in this dream. All this time when we finally meet, I appeared to you in probably my spirit form? I woke up and couldn't sleep anymore. I want to know how I bloody died and why I came after you. This is so confusing. I think I came finding you not with my current hair too. Seems like short hair. I only noticed I was dead when I disappeared into shadows. I mean, I DON'T HAVE SUCH ABILITY CURRENTLY! You see, this dream I have totally no control, I do understand some feelings inside of this 'dream' me but that's all, I can't control him.

I'm having headaches right now but somehow I want this nightmare to be remembered so I tried typing it (fast typer advantage). Thanks if you are ever reading, I'm weird but this dream is meaningful for me.

2010-06-23T03:36:00.002+08:00

It's 3.30 am and I'm awake. I really went through another screwed up week and the week hasn't end yet. My body is acting weak again and my stomach is having that weird symptoms like last time. Anyway, I need a break. Dearly. This semester is not as bad as the previous but I can't take it. New pressure and foreign worries gets the worst out of me.

You see, everyone around me are so judgmental. Or maybe I thought they are. The problem with me is simple, my mind is twisted and confuse. And it's all because I was a scout in my school. Yes, a scout in my school, only my school's scout can do this. Don't believe me? Count the statistic of failing rate due to our training. But those who succeed, I believe some were mentally damaged like me but I sticked around. Some don't wish to come back but everyone indeed remembered the good old days. Nobody though love the feeling of our training.

At form 3, I was tested to become what is called, a super soldier xD Obviously I failed cause I was physically weak. Mentally, I was also damaged. In form 3, I joined every single camp there is and I went through a lot of sufferings. There were lots of people to judge me every single time. You should see me when I was in form 2, totally no history records. Because of this, I also became a little more rebellious cause I could think and stand up for my rights. I recount my past and for that I'm hated even till now. I never did learn to enjoy the little things in life.

We went for karaoke the other day and I can't enjoy one bit. It's my third time in a karaoke, first being with my cousin which I really enjoyed and second being in a dreadful place where every corner I'm scared. When I was singing, the girls look at me differently. Yeah, I know what they are thinking, I'm weird. Reason being, I'm not used to this group. You can't show your 'full' potential due to difference in interest. I mix around well usually with........ Bad ass guys. This group is the goody too good group. You can't smoke nor drink around this people! My type of 'fun' involves this. Different level.

In college, I mixed with some guys that are funny and bad ass too. Some guys from Chung Ling that are naughty xD I can mix with this kind of people easily although our communication is a bit hard. College in the other hand was stressful, coming back most of the time 5pm and that's late since I stay very far away. I'll never get used to the distance. I really need a break to 'reset' everything. Start from scratch, I don't mind that but I'm worried I'm getting too old for this.

One of my junior that I consider sayang, I tried my best to help him. Be it love problem, gangster issues, health issues, ain't the very good ones either. But this guy needs a break, every good guys need a break once awhile. I'm trying my very best for him not to be me and the rest of the bad society. Each time he gets expose with bad company, I will get him out of it. As for love, I brought him in and as much as I want to bring him out, it's seriously not my choice. He love the girl up and down, even if she's those don't care type of girls. She scolds and bring up issues, really really small issues, cry over it, won't learn nor won't change. Like hell, I'm trying to protect this guy and you're killing him. He listens to me and quote almost everything I said to his friends. His friend even told me that every great advise he gives is quoted from me. I'm proud that I can help but that ain't gonna save the fella.

I care too much and if I don't care, I will feel hurt that I didn't get involved earlier. It's always what if. Sometimes I get involved, failed, I blame myself. When I don't get involved, failed, I thought that if I get involved, things would turn out better. And I'm usually a threat to a lot of people, even my friends. A friend once told me, 'You shouldn't get better than us, that just ain't right' and he's my best friend. For your best friend to say that, how would you feel? I have been good in games and this is still going on that when I learn too much about the game, I get very good at it. My friends consider some games their pride and won't teach me or involve me into a game cause they know they might get beaten by me. I was like, wtf?

When I find a great friend, they are always too short. Reason being, most of them left and pursue their dreams and I'm stuck here. I can't believe this. Even some good friends are against me at times. They even compete in studies which I'm obviously bad in. Sometimes I beat them in scores and they will like, 'If Donovan can beat us, we mustn't share with him our knowledge'. Yes, that's the truth and exact word I get. Even if it's a joke, it's really too much.

Life is a living hell but at times it's heaven in Earth. YEAH RIGHT!

2010-06-21T01:04:00.003+08:00

Really really frustrated. And problems seems to come on weekends, end on a freaking Monday. And my classes are always early on Mondays. It's been like this ever since, I mostly go crazy on weekends. As much I love the end of the week, I hate Mondays double.

Poem

2010-06-11T02:18:00.002+08:00

This is for a junior that I'm teaching.

Smile love smile,

For whatever happiness you may get,

You will get the same sadness.

As we begin to age in life,

We will understand the meaning of love,

So beautiful and tender,

Bringing joy in every corner we look,

Every cloudy days we've been through,

But no matter what you see,

No matter what you hear,

No matter what you felt,

You chose to be with that very person.

Recall the many memories you had,

Make yourself float in the air,

Once more like it meant you last.

You will understand what I mean,

And you will know that the choice you made,

Was indeed the best choice you made in life.

2010-06-05T17:39:00.004+08:00

Today, at the meeting, we declared that Rover's Campfire is officially canceled. And there's a thought that I admit was the entire cause of why our Rovers members went away. Well, at least our juniors. Caused by me.......... If I was so selfish, certain members that I trust would still be there but I made them ran away. I was suppose to take care of them but instead I thought of myself and lost not only the members but also them as friends. I was looking at myself and thought deeply. Yeah, it was my fault.

Still, I wish things were back to normal and I know everyone has to move on. Again, I felt it's better way back 2 years ago. I just silently hear the problems we face and I have no solution for it. It's really.............. Saddening.

2010-06-04T16:44:00.002+08:00

Looks like the worst has came and passed. Although I did very bad in my exam, I'm more relieved. All this tension has passed and I still a bit down because I became all tension with something 2 days before my exam. And I really conclude that I should isolate myself from all my friends. I used to depend on others a lot but right now I feel I'm more than just an annoyance to certain people and I bring trouble to both them and myself.

I now choose to be apart from them and held all my troubles only to myself. I have no other choice. Therapy ain't working, it works like a miracle sometimes but it wouldn't last long. I think I can do it all on my own. Penang is really a place full of memories that I don't wish to remember. I just wish that I was always somewhere else, away from my memories. Yes, I'm a coward to face the facts that I don't wish to admit. Yes, I want to run away from troubles. All for the sake of others.

I hereby declare the last solution of FinalDK. See you again in my blog.............

2010-06-03T00:42:00.002+08:00

Nervous breakdown. That's what I'm having now. I just found out something but I'm not going to act stupid and blurt it out. Right now, I'm really really stress out my brains. Exam is coming and I'm having nervous breakdown 2 nights before. I really can't think. Just words can probably described what I can do. This blog memang emo-ish but that's the way it is. I'm using self-therapy. But guys, I'm not like that in the real world. I only have the courage to show what is truly myself without seeing the people I talk to. I hope that my message goes out to everyone.

I'm not myself when I'm alone...........

2010-06-01T23:13:00.002+08:00

This past weeks, I have to admit it's getting really good. My life that is but all this happiness is pointless =( I regularly gets sick and feverish nowadays. I couldn't stay awake too long either and it's a pain in the neck to keep me on going. I came with some solution, getting more sleeps, play sports, eat healthy food but all didn't really work. I sneeze too regularly, get cold or hot easily. Like a freaking curse on me. Haix..................

This happens really really sudden and seriously not a great time for me to get ill. I finally get the hang in sports just like last time before my injury kicks in. I'm so LEFT BEHIND. Also, studies is being usual, not scoring too much or too long I guess. I'm more concern about my health so I drank a lot of water just to find out that that ain't good either. Drank like 5, 1.5 litres of water and went toilet about nearly a dozen times.

Bummer......... Why now?

2010-05-26T23:47:00.003+08:00

About my blog permitted only to the author, it was by accident. I wanted to try it but I forgotten to unlock it back when I lost connection some 2 weeks ago xD

Finally, the review for the last match in the division 2 Floorball game, has FINALLY came out. Of course I wasn't totally impress by the game nor by the reviews. And I have to clearly state this, those reviews weren't totally true and a bit bias. Firstly, the credit goes almost all to the keeper in the suckiest games we played. Secondly, we only won 1 game in the division game, something I'm not too fond of. There were chances no doubt but I was quite angry on the participation of the first game where most of our key players didn't come. Thirdly, I cannot cope with the second team. My style of playing was all the while sole since I have less support.

A friend clearly said this, the rest couldn't even goal when there's only the keeper to beat. Firebrands has always had a good keeper except only our second team. If only the second choice keeper was on our side, we won't get beaten badly. I too suffer a dilemma. I contribute as much as I can but there's always an obstacle. Mine is the team. Of course I can't totally say my team mates are bad. There are a few that are extremely good. What I don't understand was, why couldn't we win? I guess we have lousy shooters. Floorball is an easy game to play but again, why?

The team dependent on me as their key player most of the time and it's hard I'm telling you. Since I joined floorball, I was only practicing my shots cause that's what I'm suppose to do. The ball was hardly with me most of the time. Seriously, I was always out of form during the tourney. Can't blame me for working and straight playing the game after work. My stamina was improving, so I thought. Very very random. Sometimes it can be extremely good, other times extremely bad.

Let's see what I have done this few weeks. I have done 3 midterm test, 2 more. I have straighten my hair, and it look awesome! I have been exercising and playing sport 3-4 times a week. Had quite a number of good sleeps. Dream nightmares. The usual. Anyway, a friend now totally commented me as a random dude. Is that good? Only thing I'm concern now is my hair. The lady gave me this treatment so I need to wait till it wears off before I can do something about my hair and UN-GAY it. Totally gay. Ain't proud of it since I'm the person who always tease others of being gay in centre. I'm thinking of dying or highlighting my hair. Hmmmmm.

Anyway, midterm break is not gonna be great for me cause I have a lot of things to do. Sometimes I'm sick and tired of going out, knowing I got movies, series and things to do at home. Sometimes I want to go out but the buddies ain't that free. Blame the parents for not giving them enough freedom. Also lately, my speed of typing has increase. I wonder if I can compete with others already.

Thanks for reading! xD

2010-05-23T00:00:00.002+08:00

So, I didn't sleep after work. Played MapleSea the whole morning. Getting addicted to it once more. Giving it a try, a way I used when I was a small kid to release tension xD I seriously forgotten I was overly smart when I was a kid. Of course I was way more naughtier back then. Then it comes to the part where I forgotten all about it, I can't say I became better nor worst. Give and take I guess.

Anyway, with the whole morning used playing online game, I went to the hair saloon at Gembira Parade. Thanks to Yugesa for introducing me a good yet cheap place. I went there, for one reason and one reason only, to straighten my hair. I was thinking it's gonna be a whooping of 100 bucks but turn out to be only 60 bucks. Permanent with free hair treatment.

I went there about 3, lepak around for a bit and then they serve me around 3.30. This process took 5 hours. And I had nothing to do so I called all my friends to check up on them. ALL! At first they put that smelly thing on my hair and wash it. From then, I cannot recognized myself. SERIOUSLY! I look totally different. I had about 4-5 hair wash or maybe even more. Then the final touch, they did a superb job on my hair. I look 10 times better! After the treatment, my hair was more shinier.

All for you babe! xD

2010-05-18T14:41:00.002+08:00

I don't know when I can easily get offended. Sometimes I wish that this is just some kind of movie that I can think back of what happen to cause me to become like that. Was I always like that? Or that I didn't realized it?

It hits me today that when Kumaran, one of my best buddy said that because of my childish attitude that I lost my girlfriend. It may be a goof for him but I took it seriously. I just kept quiet though, cause I think it's true. I really want to change my attitude, my point of view. I hate it myself. But I guess I'm scared of realizing the changes in my life.

Looks like I can't be able to change for awhile. I tried my best but everyday I said to myself, I will do it tomorrow. Thing is, I don't know whether I will have a tomorrow. I plan it, but it's too flexible that it might not even happen.

I love to go to Moral Ed classes cause it's like a psychology class in there. There's always a "And who are you?" kinda question. It's really reflect on me. But I can't change it. I'm now hated by a lot of people, despite even I know a lot of people and have a lot of friends. But I can say, I know a lot but only a handful would help me out. Some would even betray me. I feel so sick at myself cause I know because myself, my friends are like that towards me. I'm seriously unable to stick with people my age cause I cannot tally with their ideology.

Now I got a topic for Moral Ed, a topic that is known as the most interesting topic by my lecturer. Even so, this topic, conflict, is something I'm unable to handle for myself.

A great dilemma, a great tension.

The worst of Days

2010-05-14T05:51:00.001+08:00

So, it comes till today. It's been 3 weeks since I'm unwell. I spend most of my time in college though and it's really killing me. By the time I got home, I will be on my bed, watching drama and fall asleep. THAT'S HOW BORING MY LIFE IS FOR 3 WEEKS. It's a long secret so prepare to imagine, it's longer than a movie xD

Anyway, about last week, I met my friend from work. Right now, we both acknowledge ourselves as brothers rather than friend. We both did a hell of a killing back then xD Actually, there's a truth behind this that I haven't revealed to anyone yet. I think I'm keeping this for too long and it's now the perfect time to tell the truth.

When I first picked up in form 6, all was going well. I was initially offered to work part time in the current place I'm working now. There's definitely no stress working there, I'll have lots of time to spend with my friends and even able to study. Everything will go well, I would have extra money to spend, go to form 6 like a good boy. But then I didn't regret choosing the other road either nor was I too proud of it.

A friend of my former employment in City Bayview met an accident. His father was the beverage manager, a guy I could respect for he's one person that is struggling to help support his family. His son was working under him until he and another guy met an accident. My ex-manager, Mr Khoo is by night a manager and by morning a taxi driver, only comes home at 10 in the morning and goes to work again at 5. Everyday........

My friend, aka, Amir, also known right now as my brother, wasn't close to me at all until I join in as a bartender. My first day of the job was terrible, it's was really physical torture. They were lack of employees then when I first joined. I still remember that day and vow that I will never do such thing ever again. I was the only person on the job during that time that was carrying 15 beer barrels, each weights 34 kg, down the basement stairs. The following week got worse, I carried 20 beer barrels. I had all my friends including my lover back then. Of course I lost them in this event. Lost as in not close or without contacts anymore. Not totally of course xD Surprisingly my whole body was affected. To carry the barrels, you need to bend down a bit. There's goes the backbone and hand. Then I need to work in 3 departments, all scattered around, leg is involved plus I need to stand all day.

That time I know I was doing the right thing. Many people was objecting of what I'm doing and saying that I should take care of myself instead. 2 more of my colleague had an accident and my job got more tough. By then, there's only me and Amir left, exclude the manager. Amir actually that time won best employee for 4 months. He haven't taken even a sick leave for at least 7 months. That was how dedicated he was. He only left me to depend on that time. He moved house too. Imagine the lack of sleep he's getting. We were so close back then.

While he was the only full time worker there, he was only in charged of one department in a day. I was in charged of 3 department a day. The bar underground, the ball room and revolving restaurant. I always hated the start and the end of work. I always had to come early and always had to go back late. This was the start of my stress and no, I wasn't like that back in high school. Apparently I was too 'manja' kind still. Whatever I prepared for the real life, it was never enough for this. And this, this isn't real yet! Slowly, I lost out and take it on several people. I even lied that to my lover and friends that I'm at home when I was actually all along at work. I didn't want them to tell me that I'm doing the wrong thing and I wasn't thinking for myself. I celebrated my birthday in the bar with my brother and best friend Eugene. My best customer offered me beers, the waitress and cashiers came hugging me, the band played music for me. It was the best 18th birthday I would ever imagine.

In about 2-3 months of working there, I finally had the worst impact in my life. I requested a long holiday after they managed to bring in 3 new people. This was done for my family and friends. They kept telling me to quit but I took a 'holiday' instead. A little happiness was, 3 people was recruited to replaced me. The bad news was, the morning after my 'last day', I was dumped. Until now I couldn't believe it but I had to act normal. Of course that didn't last even a day. Anyway, life move on after that. I rejoined after 2 months of holiday. Found out the 3 people that they recruited, quit and couldn't take my 'work'. Hehehe.

I came back once more as a super BARTENDER. Lol. Did everything all by myself. I made even more friends this time. During that time, nobody will disturb the beverage department, not even management. I got into a fight with my neighbour which was working as Human Resource Assistant Manager. He was trying to show off that time and the way he do it, I really screw him up. Obviously during this time around, all my frustration was still there. I even fought with the bar supervisor and manager. But they couldn't touch me. I was the elite force and favourite to the beverage manager. I grew a little cocky that time and start doing things my way. Of course I do with limits but this time I made my job a place where I can enjoy rather than just make angry face. Even made good friends with the Sue Chef (what ever the spelling is) and got free food!

I made my work as a happy thing to do. Of course this didn't come with only happy ending. I was always looking forward to work, I neglect totally of the outside world. I sometimes didn't even go to school...... Maybe all the time. In my mind was work work work. But I didn't realize it. I quit on Christmas when I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't get a day off and walk off from my work. Amir understood me so he was angry eventhough I left without saying goodbyes. I still came to visit him time to time. I miss the place but I will never go back.

Moral of this story, I seriously don't know. But I realize it a bit too late. I tried helping people all I can out of their dedication and all. I was touched and I really tried to help. I don't expect anything but sometimes this neglection made me expecting some high expectation. When I stayed and be stubborn, I lost my lover. When I continued, I became more and more hot tempered due to stress. And when I quit, it was too late. I had to let down of Amir and my manager. And when I go back to focus on form 6, it was too late. The subjects got harder and I cannot catch up. So I quit form 6 without saying goodbyes. And then my close friends in form 6 that we promise to make a soccer team I let down. Without me, everything was different they said. No matter what I choose, everything was a disappointment.

Honestly, I was never the same after that. That's why I don't believe in chances anymore. Still, this is all but a memory to me now. And friends, now you know the real truth. I want to give this last atom bomb for you all to realize, 2 years ago, I didn't DO IT FOR THE MONEY OR WHETHER I WAS GREEDY! The money was awfully little by the way. Working 3 departments a day? Could have just work at my uncle's hotel right? And I tell you know cause it's been so long and that it's fine to you all know. Cause if I were to tell you back then, you would discourage me and I know I would fall for your words one day.

See, I don't totally regret. I made my days, I had worst days. To my readers, if you think you had worst days, compare my story with yours. I had been through much more worst, of course I cut this story a little shorter xD If you don't believe me, try working as a bartender in City Bayview. Amir left there already so it will be even harder now. Wow, makes me want to challenge myself. Hahaha. Bye xD

2010-05-09T02:10:00.002+08:00

Today, I'm a failure. Technically. I have to talk back about 3 days ago, 6th May 2010. I skipped few classes in college, cause I'm dead tired. I fell asleep during a favourite lecture. So, I decided to head to Eng Wooi's house and help out in souvenirs design. I came again the next day . Yeah, I suck. My 'best friend' was also there. After wrapping and slowing down, we all talked. Got a little personal and talked about what will I do to get my crush. I told her honestly that I find it hard to want her cause I don't think she will be committed in a relationship. They both asked me the same thing, will I be committed. I said yes. Truthfully, I really don't know.

Then this got me thinking and thinking. I headed to work after hours of driving. Since I got sick, I ate only 1-2 meals a day. dramatically, my weight is reducing. Went there and just think. Then Bryan came down and we discussed about next day's floorball game. I predicted, we are gonna lose. I guess I think too much. It affected me dreadfully and I didn't play at all well.

My streak in Youth Wave ended by Snake FC and my streak in League Div 2 ended by Spearhead. I was not at all performing. I missed 3 shots, no goals till the end. I was sleepy, I was tired, I forgotten my headband, I forgotten to bring my water. I even committed a foul by pushing Rueben, a junior from BJ Scouts. I really am demotivated also when my team mates keep repeating the same old mistakes. The team was like, "Donovan, we depend on you to score". I couldn't keep that promise. Although I suck that time, my manager just smile and shouted, "The giant is just in your mind". I let him down though, lost my fucking streak on the way.

After the game, as usual, my own cousin condamn me. Saying that I'm only good in shooting, I pretty much such the rest. Even if that's true, that wasn't some word I would want from my own cousin.

Conclusion, I gonna stop caring too much. Seriously, I tired. At least now we can wrap out this and I gonna face college again. I gonna start sleeping early more often. I hardly see my eyes white anymore.

Anyway, bye

2010-05-05T00:21:00.003+08:00

Hahaha, manage to use Bryan's Digi Broadband for another day. It's awesomely fast!

Anyway, sis is back and hopefully for a long time cause she brought me awesome shows to watch! How I met your mother and Liar Game is the best show ever! But it's kinda sad for the How I met your mother sitcom. Honestly, I nearly cried..... Yeah right. Although it's sad the hottest girl in the show didn't turn up to spice up the show. I got a bit of spoilers here and there and I was really hoping Cobie Smulders is so God damn hot in the show.

Speaking of which, I came back from college today and felt really fucked up. I came back about 9.30pm and was so tired. Moral was interesting but I watched a episode of Liar Game while listening to the lecturer. Amazingly, I listen to what the lecturer said. This semester has only 1 subject that I totally suck at. And it involves a lot of formula and maths. I'm still a little sick though. Dry cough is getting worst and worst and my stomach disorder, I think it's back.

And also, the moment I have time, I will change my blog's layout. Getting too old already. Awesome part is, I just bought a new basketball, gonna play it again...... At least until floorball league is finish, gotta focus on the game. And cause I was sick lately, I dropped 3 kgs. Awesome I guess. And soon, I gonna straighten up my hair. Before a certain someone comes back and tell me to cut it, I guess I'm gonna surprise her. Hopefully all will do great.

As for this and next month, I have tonnes of plans, fully booked. Hope I'm up for the task. Anyway, bye xD

2010-05-03T22:02:00.003+08:00

Well, this time there's a few setbacks going on. I feel at times, betrayed. I didn't go to college today because I was dead tired and having insomnia. Not to mention dry cough too. And it's getting worst.

About the betrayer part, it involves my Hungarian friend. To cut it short, this guy is talented but love brings him down. Sadly.......

On the other news, the best ideas came from having a drink outside. Yes, we have a new vision. To create the ultimate secret weapon for Firebrands, called, Firebrands Evolution! This team is consist of independent players, dedicated to train personally and win the leagues. A team created for an ultimate purpose, a dream team. This team is consist of some new talents and some talented players without stealing around, a team that grow from nothing to the best. We want a team where it's created by our own friends and we aim for the time that we can say that everyone is good, no comparing that whether he's better than the others or something like that. We want to be seen as the Titans, the Mercenaries, the Great Ones!

This team is also a team not fully held over by the management. We have our common aims of course but this team is a little special, our aims are different than the rest. Our aim is not by Firebrands only but as a team, TEAM FIREBRANDS EVOLUTION! Hopefully this team can be created without being tied down by the company. More like a very independent team by it's own. Seriously, I can't stand immature team mates or management and that's what some of us a facing with right now. The current first team and second team is so narrow minded and immature. Poor leadership, many admits that but there's no say to it. We have gain trust from our Manager, Alex and he's delighted to hear about it.

And as my process in Floorball is going, I can say that I'm improving everytime. I do my own personal trainings every Sunday in Japanese Garden along with Bryan and Kumaran. Kumaran has good reflexes and Bryan is a damn good keeper. As for me, my shots are getting more accurate but only the dribbling is still not up to standards. Of course I need to train up even more to create our new team and I need to play well this coming Saturday. I want to prove a point I guess. Dilemma is that I'm not close to my own team mates and only I'm processing, others are not. Bringing me the few persons that the team can count on. I just need another goal or two to prove my heart.

All geared up and ready to hit the sacks. xD

2010-05-02T03:39:00.002+08:00

Physical, gonna get it check today at Japanese Garden. I have really haven't worked out for 2 weeks. Constantly sleepy and still sick. Body cools down too fast, heats up too fast. Fatigue is really getting higher and higher. My sleep are most of the time restless ones, backbones always hurts, need a new bed I guess. Assignments just turn into a headache, need to get some example shots which I'm too lazy to do it now. Internet is really getting boring, I have done everything.

Anyway, right after work yesterday, I head home to sleep at around 8am and woke up around 11.45pm and headed to Inaz's sister's wedding down in Sungai Ara. It's like an hour ride from my place. Freaking deep inside at the country club but the view is just awesome. Food was great and it's been years since I volunteeringly ate ice cream. Only thing was the DJ which was so freaking annoying. Putting the classical songs I love but also keep talking nonsenses. I mean, every 5 seconds!?

Then I head to my cousin's to sent him a pack of dog food which my two little angels won't eat. They only eat HUMAN FOOD xD That's Choloe and Crybaby for you! On the way home, I called several people and as usual, all not free. And I noticed that this guys are freaking trying to piss me off or tempt me cause they are free only on Friday and Saturday nights! Tempt me with alcohol xD But I kinda have no desire for alcohol anymore. Temptation ages I guess.

Anyway, working might be a little too demanding, it's like I'm being forced to work like last time. I'm seriously thinking of stopping. Seriously, I couldn't spend time or put any obligation to it anymore. I have no time, not that I got things to do at that time, I have things to do the morning after. I used to be able to handle so many things but I'm SERIOUSLY getting too old to handle it. Hahaha. Maybe I don't have full obligation before than I do now. I remember I used to spend every single day except Saturday and Sunday, in school. That's how great school was to me...... Well, after school hours that is xD I will make a date with a girl on Thursday and just talk and see her do homework xD That was really lame but right now I talk to her more than before but we weren't as close as before. 13 and 19 years old is a lot of differences. I never missed a camp during form 3 also.

Time really scares me a lot. Ever had that feeling where it shakens your body and everything goes blank and light? And lastly, I would like to declare accident for a year and hope I can keep the record straight this year xD Bye

2010-05-01T02:38:00.002+08:00

It's been what, 17 days? Lol. I really didn't have the time and access to the net. I do still online once a day though (at least) but I was too busy that I can't access more than that. Until today, I finally had time. Let's just say I had a blast......... Sort of.......

I'm so dead busy right, college is taking almost everything from me. I couldn't eat or sleep properly. Mind that I'm talking about spending time in college, not assignments. I can say assignments are God damn easy. Told ya when that when the computer subjects kicks in, I kick in too =D Anyway, back to the topic, I couldn't eat nor sleep properly. Simply cause I wasted all my time in college. When I got home, I have several appointments elsewhere.

First, my burden increased when I had to collect scouts registration forms from Bayan Lepas. I had to balance my time between college and the teacher's time. Second, a friend is back so I need to accompany him. Third, college. Forth, etc, etc, etc. Many more to say but can't think of it now. This has been going for 2 weeks now and cause of the fatigue, I lost 3 kg. Hair and mustache grew and I don't have time until yesterday to shave it! I go to college at 8 am, came home at about 9 pm, repeating for 2 weeks. Got home, watch a movie, sleep. Wake up at 6 am. I had a few sleepless nights due to some terrible nightmare. I was so stressed that I got sore throat (lack of water) and got sick last week. It's still going on. Yeah, when I'm sick, I become really really sick.

Then at times I have to be concern over my friend who I suggested several business proposals. He have his personal problems unrelated to this but I won't enclose the information. Only thing I can say is, it's taking a toll on me. Even the weekends didn't spare me much. I had to work right after study group and sports on Friday then go for the floorball league the next morning. Luckily they postpone the time to evening so I have time to sleep. I was stress but thanks to this league game, everything just when down the drain. We are up against our own club, first team, Firebrands. Knowing that we will be trashed, a member of the first team said to us that if we can goal once, we are consider good. I didn't took that challenge and just ignore their arrogation.

It was about to start, luckily some of the key players are here but our captain wasn't here. Some school issues she had or something. I was again pressured and de-motivated by my last game at Youth Wave. My streak goals in every game was ended there. I was pressured because I scored in all the league game we had. To cut it short, we lost this game but this game meant so much for me. It was 1st half, I was geared up, putting all the pressure on my leg and head. Then I cut it loose earlier this time. The last score was 10-1........ YES, I SCORED THE ONLY GOAL AGAIN!

For me, even the smallest of details makes me happy. It was a struggle to put in the goal. Mid field, we were tied down to only defending. I saw an opportunity when they retrack their pace and back to the middle line. Wayne has the ball, knowing that advantage, I stole the ball and ran towards the goal. There were only 4 people involved that time, their keeper and defender, my striking partner and myself. I ran through the right flank, their defender retrack back and my partner overtook me and went ahead. I chose to pass to him since he will be head on with the goalie but he shouted "GO! I WILL BLOCK THE KEEPER!". This all happen fast, I held back the ball and their defender heard my partner telling me that he will block the keeper so the defender mark my partner instead. They were too near to the goalie so a head on is impossible. I ran, the goalie protects the flank I covered, I couldn't shoot to the left cause it was guarded and there weren't space. Then the top right flank (from my point of view) was a small hole. I slam my stick hard, about 10m apart from the goal. It went through. The crowd was cheering, a wonderful war cry was done, my team mates congratulate me, even our opponents! I have proven that it was possible! That is the best goal I made against a veteran keeper! I continue my streak all over again, having scored 6 goals in 6 games. I broken the club's amateur record by double! Understand why this meant so much to me now? Aside from that, I gain acknowledgement once again from Bryan, having a chance as an All-Star Striker. My role may have increased but as long as I hold on, I think I can do it. One more match and we can declare ourselves!

Then the week goes as usual. I got sick after the game. I can say hello to my long lost fever friend. I had several nightmares because of you but the sky was awfully beautiful and reminded me of times. How I wish I could just grip that time and live it forever. Those time when I was less emotional and more carefree. And of course..... AHEM!

Anyway, I think I'm gonna start praying to God once more. It's been long. He's been helping me all along. I now see myself, I didn't wasted my time at form 6. I guess I was meant to fail form 6 so I could pursue my real dreams. Heck, I wasn't even good in Accounting in the first place! Many thing has happen during that time but being conservative as usual, there's no need to explain my alibi of what really did happen during that time. The deeds wasn't realized and I hope that people would be able to find it themselves one day. Let me tell you this, I did everything that time for others, never for myself and it cost me.

May the Lord take care over me and my readers. Cheers!

For as long as I want, I want to live a carefree world and advance everytime!

2010-04-12T01:01:00.002+08:00

Alright guys, I won't be online for quite sometime. At least a month so I won't be blogging during that period of time.... I think. Now one stress down xD

See you online in a month time!

2010-04-10T23:39:00.002+08:00

Today turn out to be a sad day. Didn't expect Youth Wave Challenge to be that hard. Right after work, with no time to rest, I was so God damned tired so we ate MacDonalds. Drank the yet most bitter coffee I have ever taken before. It was sleepy day. Honestly, I smoked a lot today. Couldn't take the pressure. My team has no support at all because we are underdogs. Of course I got my own personal support xD I was really disappointed that we didn't qualify but for you, I'll be okay (You know who you are) xD

We were up against Spearheads, a weaker team than us but over confidence got the most out of them. I deliver yet another goal, delivering a good 180 degrees shot and that's first blood. Then we lost 2 goals for being over confidence and dribbling right in front of our goal post. We could have won. Our second match was upright tough, facing against Snake FC, consist of a few National players. That's something impossible to win. We had no chance. That's the end of the story.

Then I walked around finding for friends because there's really nothing to see for floorball. The court is too small and I can't say it's floorball anymore. Some other game, involving hitting the ball only. So, I walked around minding my own business. Karrtik came later and first thing he ask is where my girlfriend. I had to pretend all the way and tried to change topic everytime he remembers. We are good pretenders xD

After Youth Wave, I got home and slept. It was so tiring. Woke up at 7.30 and joined my manager, Alex, for dinner. It was delicious xD We talked about stuff and all. Nice guy. I close my eyes now thinking when will I have time to worship my own religion again.

Anyway, to be frank, I can't take losing too easily. I don't know why, I don't know how to stop it. I wish to change that. I no need to go therapy as long as you're there xD

Thanks for reading xD

2010-04-07T23:53:00.002+08:00

The floorball review came at night. Honestly, I wasn't satisfied with what the officials wrote in the floorball blog. Most of the reviews are so untrue. I mean, how do you expect me to play on with inaccurate reviews? That was the cause of my de-motivation the last time. The review also came so late, what more inaccurate. I'm now having a dilemma on whether I can trust the officials or not.

I trained so hard, even went for team 1's training and stamina building. The least you could do is right a better accurate review than this. At first, I entered floorball without a knowledge of whatsoever and with one true aim, to help out Firebrands, last placing in last year's division 2 game. I brought in my cousin and his friend, Samuel but right now due to some problem, Sherwynd (cousin) and Samuel is about to leave because of the officials. When we move in as free agents, I was drafted to the 2nd team due to I have never played before. Even with the experiences of playing a even tougher similiar game like hockey.

When time comes, my aim changes but my loyalty was towards my coach Jason and my manager Alex rather than the first team's captain, which is simply involved for don't know what reason. And then I wanted to excel in this sports, to prove someone that I'm worthy of something. Because of that, I can say that my pride was tested. Being one of the oldest in second team, I kept my mouth shut about my age only to be stepped on young people, some even without any authority. But I still plan to keep my age aside. And I felt for the 2 division games I played, I played the best and even better than the rest. Even got complimented by Jason and Bryan proclaim me as the best and our blog gave me a great review. Still, I wanted to show that certain someone and I failed miserably.

Now I felt that I did all this not for that aim anymore but to that certain someone. Yes, I failed eventhough I proved worthy towards my sponsor, Sherwynd and Bryan who requested my help. Still, that wasn't enough cause I need to be seen big to show and prove to that someone. Sometimes I blame the lack of training the team gives. Team 2 practically had no training at all so I don't even know who and who is in my team. I was always the only person from the team to go training in first team. I tried my best and why can't people understand that? What I don't get was that I just recently played and you put such expectation on me, I achieved what you expect from me but yet you criticized me. As you can see from the previous post, I play solo. That was what I was taught from Jason.

When the team lose the first round, I said it was well deserved for my own team. I only had like 2 trainings with them and I never missed training since I entered. There were lack in almost every expect. To avoid that repeating, I trained myself in dribbling and shooting, totally neglecting defense's skill. I was branded as selfish and lucky eventhough I did it for the team. I trained my shots so hard that I injured my wrist and the team didn't thank me for that. Some were probably jealous since they played slightly longer than me. And to own team mates, they even played rough eventhough it was training. Haix......

Also, I'm rushing things cause my legs are like a time bomb, waiting to explode any time soon. I checked out with some friends and they say it might be a really serious injury and I'm only holding on to the real actual pain. Just like expected, I'm really growing old or sick. It should be that time in the year to get sick since it's been so long since I actually really fall ill.

Anyway, college started and it felt so good. The subjects I'm taking is so different and what I really wanted. The college changed a lot in 2 months, looks like years since I was last here. The first 2 classes was great. I hope I can do better. I'm planning to aim for 4.0 GPA for at least 2 subjects. Hopefully by that, I can get a good CGPA.

Thanks for reading,

2010-04-04T00:46:00.002+08:00

My partner didn't came to work yesterday, just the best time for our grand match to ensure 4th placing in the league. Well, at least it's not last.....

Yeah, my team are newbies mostly so winning any match is a crucial thing. We lost badly in our debut but that's an experience I can never forget. I came so late and during the match, I felt like vomiting again. Maybe it's because I'm nervous again. I'm expected to score more goals this time so I think that's why I was nervous.

This being my 3rd match (2 league games & 1 friendly), I scored 4 goals which is a great achievement to me. Something I can be proud of again cause I was never too good in sports. Some people think I show off cause I played solo a lot. Can't blame them for thinking so but I felt this is for the team. I do solo cause it's an option and a chance you shouldn't miss. For goodness reason, if you are at a scoring position, obviously the right thing to do is shoot! I mean, I don't pass much to my team members cause I'm playing as a striker. Who am I to pass if I'm in front of everyone?? Reason being so simple, even if there is someone, I usually have an open shot directly to the keeper and my team mates are really bad in standing at the right place. I mean, I can't risk that, you weren't open, in fact, they are always guarded. And they just stand there, expecting me to pass to them. I vote for no confidence.

I even almost cried that day, being reason that all I tried went in vain. I guess I got into the game already. So, continue where I dropped off. I came late so warm out was really bad. I played with Trailblazers, a team predicted to beat us. My team was over confidence, no doubt. Before the game, everyone was saying that we will win. Seriously, if they play it off like the last match, no chance at all. During the first few minutes, a girl tripped me with her stick and hit my leg from between. Awfully pain.

I started limping for a bit but I carried on. Then a substitution was made, seriously a stupid substitution that I cannot forgive. I was already at the opponent's side, taking a free shot. I didn't hear the substitution and the referee asked me to play. I mean, it's no big deal that I ask the coach to wait since we are in the winning position. He got mad and after the free shot, I quickly went back and ask them to quickly make the substitution. My coach got furious of me, yes, my mistake but I don't see the big deal of it. Then when I got replaced, he accuse me of influencing other players not to accept the substitution like I did. I mean, we are in a hurry to use our free shot and I have to favour what the referee request, to shoot and I was at one end, is that the time to make substitution on an on-going game? When he scolded me, I scolded him back. He already has a history of hot tempered. I nearly wanted to taking it all out when my manager stopped me. I risk another penalty before that for incorrect substitution so I don't want to get it again.

He said that his the coach and I can't take him down even though I can explain. I was furious cause of his accusation of influence. I mean, from nowhere you accuse me for influence when I don't really talk much with my own member. Alex (manager) and Nehemiah tried to chill me. Weren't for Alex, I would already whack him. My coach is the captain for the first team and he haven't shown one bit of respect to his member and he ain't getting it from me in this state. Damn, he didn't even train us properly. Some basic drills, no strategy talk until the day of the match, no practice on the strategy applied, strategy applied not fit for our the second team's style of playing. He asked the defenders to push up to the middle. Then the opponent was directly in front of the keeper. Luckily they didn't score.

I really lost my cool that time so I did what I do best, put the anger on something. And I put my anger in the game, scored another goal. Again I was spotted by Bryan which told me that my goal was out of anger, again. It kept me thinking of whether I want to continue as a Firebrands player. Since my coach (1st team), Jason, is going to leave, me and Bryan agreed that Firebrands cannot teach us anymore. And the best thing we could do is join Jason in his team, Frontliners, temporary under loan. That way when we come back, it will be for a major tournament in December. I talked to Sherwynd about this and he ask me to join Frontliners permanently. Well, it's not really up to me to choose. Bryan has indeed shown signs, I mean, he is awesome as a goalie but what's the point playing under weak team?

College is about to start and I have to focus more on college rather than floorball. Jason is going and I'm stuck with my second team coach which I'm not in a good relation with him now. Alex always tells me, fight and forget after the game. I don't think I can ignore it every single time. And because of him, we are stuck with the most hot tempered person in Firebrands for Youth Wave Challenge. Hopefully Sherwynd can settle him. Or better yet, both Kesslers can do it.

Thanks for reading.

2010-04-03T01:46:00.002+08:00

As you read towards the end of this post, you surely notice, that ain't so bad for me. It's just simple, oh well, I took it as a challenge or something, problem and stress not only prolong but it grew bigger! This blog is created to relieve some of my stress which I don't have right now but I want to tell to my readers, share some knowledge that I've learned over the years.

You know, why take life too seriously?? Again I learned it the harder way.

I came across a friend, once an enemy. We were talking about how life is and what it is all about and I realize, life is too short to be taken easily, at first. I mean, I don't ignore stuff, I take everything into details. As we were talking, I realized that. Weird cause I've been talking one to one a lot of times, favourite topic, life. And to my shock, life is all about what if and let me intro the newest addition, what the heck. It's after that camp from scouting that I changed. Knowledge is powerful, that's for sure. I guess that knowledge I was bestowed with, change me totally. I used to give up too easily but when I didn't, everyone like, 'relax man, it's no biggy'. To many, I'm a joker that doesn't take life seriously which I didn't want people to see me in that. It's unavoidable but again, what the heck?

I develop my own concept of what if and think of the worst possibilities. I reason it as my strongest point cause I've been through shits. My day can be the happiest day and can turn out the worst day with just one simple problem. That's the problem, a simple thing regards of the simplest solving method but I make it more complex I guess. Lately I've been studying about self improvement and I tackle my biggest weakness, stress! I deduce to every single possibilities and to my conclusion, every stress I gain are just in the mind. To avoid that, it's simply easy but again, I made it complex.

I have a leg injury, twice, my right knee and left feet. And then I took sports. How entertaining. To self improve myself, I regard my size as part of my stress cause of the way people look at me. So I stopped sports for half a year and in 4 months, I changed totally. Everyone is calling me fat whenever they see me. So now I solve it by eating lesser, more light sports and healthier food. I don't take junk food anymore although I crave for them. But to trigger that crave, I must actually eat it first. I solve that by making myself believe that all junk food are not worth buying. Now the only problem left is the lack of sleep which I feel is one of the stress related thing that causes my stress to increase. I couldn't solve this problem since small, my mindset is sleeping is a waste of time. I couldn't sleep too long even if I want to anymore. Once my body is rested at minimal, I will automatically wake up.

Sleeping right now seems very long even for 2 hours. I can dream a whole book and 2 hours has passed. I go out at night almost too regular and no, I don't do stupid stuff. I just go out, have some supper, talk to friends, cruise around, maybe go for a couple of drinks? To me, beer is like a water, to fill some thirst and whenever I have access to beers, I just drink it in the morning or whenever. Of course I don't get drunk with it, probably immune to it. I no longer accept invitation to drink beers anymore except on occasions.

Then I notice my life is getting too dull, another part of stress. Ever since I was form 3, I have everyday occupied, IN SCHOOL. Yes, in school! I guess I'm too afraid of getting old, that's why my own birthday is just a thing to remind me of myself getting older and less fun. I guess from now on, I'm gonna take it easier for now. Maybe study more hours. Oh yeah, to all those who read for hours, the first 2 hours only count. Trust me, you are listening to a fella that only reads 30 minutes, the night before his finals. I came into another conclusion, when you don't have the heart to study, no hours can count as much as whatever you can absorb within the 3-5 hours of dedication you put cause seriously, nothing will enter, unless you memorize it! As in the first couple of hours will count and more than that, your mind will overwrites the latest knowledge and then that's when you get confuse and FORGETS both before and after the couple of hours.

Trust me, if you don't prolong it and you are not used to it, you will probably forget within a couple of days. That's why the final days of studying is as important as what you can probably study 2 weeks before, straight. But of course, don't sleep with it. This all can be done if the subjects you take are facts. DON'T DO IT ON MATHS! Maths in the other hand, needs practice and you need to get used to it. BUT, if you can understand the formulas which will be provided at the back of your paper, then yes, you can do it my way. TOO BAD FOR ME, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

2010-03-31T13:08:00.003+08:00

I thought long and deep but right now, I'm very ill so I probably am thinking nonsense. Many complain about me mentally. Even during the floorball match, the referee could spot that I'm disturbed mentally. I don't go berserk too easily anymore but something really is missing. My brain thinks very fast and I dreamed about something which gave me an idea. All this kind of dreams are the ones that gave me insomnia the first place. Looking at my life like that, I need to repair it. But to do so, ignorance is something I need to do. I think I'm gonna run away from certain society so I can repair myself. Seriously, I'm very very ill. I lost like a few pounds, I don't have good appetite, my legs keep failing me, I get sick easily. This time I really going to run perhaps I will focus more on college.

Anyway, some group of friends are those I need to abandon. Not that you are giving problems to me but you would be slowing me down. Bye........

2010-03-29T23:42:00.003+08:00

This is not one of those time I gotten emo, instead, it's a relieve. I woke up and there were several miss calls and 1 message. To my shock, my friend Izi met an accident and I wasn't there. I panic and really disappointed cause my phone was one of those time, outside the hall. I just close my eyes and regret for not picking up the first call. Knowing Izi for such a long time and his history, I don't want anything happen to him. I won't give that chance to trade him even for my own life. That's how important he is in this world. I thank God for that.

Yes, my life is not important even when I'm one of the lone son of the family to carry on the family's legacy. When it comes to friends, I dear them most. I can say that all of my friends are the people who made me who I'm, not my family. I carry the family's legacy and history, that's all. I climb together with my friends, that's the difference.

I went to the hospital today, I couldn't find him so I ran around finding him and finally found him at the plastic surgery ward. He was about done so they sent him back to his ward. He could show a thumb's up and even smile and laugh. That's how strong he was. His mother was crying and even I could cried but no, I have to stay strong. I pray to God now, for his well being.

Our father who art in heaven,

Holy be thy name,

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On Earth as it is on Heaven,

Give us today our daily bread,

Forgive us for our sins,

As we forgive those who sin against us,

Do not bring us to the test but deliver us from evil,

Amen.

Hail Mary full of grace,

The Lord is with thee,

Blessed are you among women,

And blessed is the fruit of thee womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary mother of God, pray for us sinners,

Now and at hour of death,

Amen.

Hail Mary full of grace,

The Lord is with thee,

Blessed are you among women,

And blessed is the fruit of thee womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary mother of God, pray for us sinners,

Now and at hour of death,

Amen.

Hail Mary full of grace,

The Lord is with thee,

Blessed are you among women,

And blessed is the fruit of thee womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us sinners,

Now and at hour of death,

Amen.

Glory be to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit,

As it was in the beginning, is now and will be forever,

Amen.

Thank you for listening. I hope we all can pray if you know my friend, Izrin. For his well being, I thank God once more.

2010-03-27T22:09:00.003+08:00

First game for the division, we totally blew it. Here's what happen and let me put it this way, it wasn't my day.

I went to work and for some reasons, I didn't sleep at all that time. I can't say it's nervous, more like excited. Kumaran and Buven was suppose to come but they jack me last minute. Ate in MacD with Bryan before heading to Balik Pulau. I told my mum I needed the car till noon but didn't really tell her where I'm going so I went ahead and fetched both Wayne and Steven. As we reached there, I got everything prepared. I was early. So I did some warm ups, practice shots and some dribbling. Then the rest came and we did our drills. Then before the game starts, I drank Red Bull. I shouldn't..............

As the game starts, I got a bloody headache and my stomach was too well. My stamina sucks big time and I thought it was okay. We got trashed 3 goals that time. I started to get nervous, committed few fouls and even got sent off 2 minutes for incorrect substitute. As I watched, I prayed our opponent didn't score. I had a chit chat with the referee while on sent off, get to know the game a little. Entered but didn't make a difference. Since my stamina sucks, I constantly asked for substitute. The moment the first half finishes, I asked Alex, my manager for a plastic bag. Half way through team talk, I ran outside and vomited. Everything I wear was so tight so I took off everything, loosen my socks, take out my headband, took off my knee supports.

Right the start of second half, Tania, my captain, face off and won the ball. Passed to me and I had to be greedy because there's a big opening in the middle, unguarded and I was the only one in front. I took the risk, dribble inside and scored a goal. We are still on 3-1, the crowd cheered but I didn't take it as an achievement cause we were losing. My left leg starts failing me again and I was so dehydrated after I vomited cause I didn't vomit out my food, all water. I have no water left and I had so many chances but I couldn't outrun them. I was too tired, asked substitute for 3 times. Each time I was out, I drop on the floor. I really couldn't take the heat.

We lost 6-1 and obviously I was really disappointed. My cousin tried cheering me up, this and that. He also committed a foul so big, got sent off 10 minutes. Kessler's power xD I really wasn't in the mood but after I slept, I really was glad I contributed for my team and for the number I represent. I declare this, my 3rd goal in 2 games I ever played so far officially. Not a bad start. I thank all those who supported me, especially my coach for just looking out for me and my manager for having faith in me, praying for me all the way, my sponsors who contributed, gave me support, my fans, who cheered up there, my friends and fellow team mates who along side whenever I play. Thanks guys, you created me!

Part of the end

2010-03-16T02:24:00.003+08:00

+Editted+

Hell strike on the weirdest of all days. Me and Bryan were talking on the ground floor when alarm went off. Firealarm and indeed it's weird. We thought it's a prank but it really did happen. I checked the alarm status on the alarm board and the basement 1 and 2 gotten a fire. I parked my car on the first basement so we went and check it out. Nothing. When we were on the stairs to the second basement, the security was running up and down the stairs. He was finding for hose and apparently none of them are working. We went and check the basement and a Suzuki Swift was on fire. It wasn't that all big yet so we ran to the hose and find for ones that work. We helped the security guard find one that is long enough and working. I called the fire brigades and was damn shocked that my place doesn't exist to them. They don't know where it is so I explained to them how to get here. The fire grew bigger and bigger and both of us decided to at least help save the 2 other cars beside. We ran to my house and got a bucket of water and when we reached the basement, there's a lady there already. We were in a rush and was about to go to the car when the lady told us in Hokkien, not to go. We stopped for one moment and seconds later, the car blew, causing the electric to cut off. We were that close to death. Lucky thing we were behind a wall. That explosion or maybe the alarm, woke up more than half of the residents but their reaction was really damn slow. About 30 minutes later. The firemen arrived and I guided them to the burning car. Luckily the fire didn't spread to the other car but brutally melted and destroyed half of the car next to it. It took quite some time to actually stop the flame and the whole area was full of smoke. Then we calm down and realize how we were seconds away from death. We followed the guy that controls the circuit around to open the lights. One side of the basement was gone and we couldn't recover the electric.

After so, I was a little moody that time due to friends problem involving mainly floorball. Went up to my place and watch football until we fall asleep.

A little confession to make. After being able to talk to my best buddy, Izi, I was asking him to pinpoint my bad points. And all he can point out is, my smoking habit being too strong causing my breath to stink and my emotions. I confess everything to him on how, when all this started. I feel writing/typing is the best way to express or even please my heart. This time is all about the bads and not the good.

It all started when I dare myself to challenge the world, yeah, the adult world. I came out, prepared and all boasting on how I would succeed. Then just half a step, I lost. Half a step. I lied some more, saying that I've been in the adult world and I know it better than anyone. The truth is, it manifest and it's impossible to hold on comparing to our elders. My generation sucks, big time. Depending on people I choose different ways to react or act in front of them. But when I'm alone, I suffer deeply. And then I got emotional and blames on others. To change, I need to change from being that goofy guys majority people knows me to the quiet, not fun guy. Something I'm trying to avoid cause I like the attention. Slowly but painfully, I had not choice but to change.

I created a concept, to bring everything I have forward together with me. I tell people, I give advise but I was always not the one helping myself. Hardly anyone advises me because some people look at me as alright. Those who had advise me were my best buddies. I advise myself too. I tend to grow crazier by the second and mess up everything. I want acknowledgement, I want attention and to give that up after all this years, it's hard. I thought in the adult world, I need to get acknowledgement when I lost the first round.

Then I constantly thought I improved and challenge the world again, only to be out faster than before. I annoy people because I want people to understand me. First round I was so in the rush to enter the world, it hit me so bad. Second, I underestimate again and got cut deeper. I'm useless.

I suck in education, I neglect them. I haven't been studying effectively or at all. Education isn't needed back on the old days but it's dear right now. I cry tearless and my heart hurts. I don't want this but I'm acting more like the guy on the picture of my blog.

About the start of this year, I care all about appearances. I have developed my body and everybody is saying I buff up. Honestly, by look it's alright but physically, I ruin my health cause of cigarettes. I never depended on drugs anymore even when I'm sick. What hurts me even more is my 2 dearest friends has left me. I want them back so badly but each time I tried, they go even further away.

I failed in love, I can't even treat a woman properly. I know the ways but I don't apply them. One of my biggest impact in life that pushes me backwards when I fail but I was failing anyway. I haven't had a good sleep ever since, even a proclaim good sleep was actually quite bad. I'm worst than before. I constantly have nightmares when something happens.

God knows how long since I neglected my religion. I always blame Him for ruining my life. I wish I go crazy at times when I got really emotional cause I will not have any worries in the world.

And by the end of this writing therapy, I have decided to change my goofiness, attitude for the better good. I know even more people will hate me for my arrogance but I have to do it. Sorry guys, I'm gonna disappear for awhile. As long as I want to since nobody cares for me anyway. Bye guys, see you in the future.

-Close entry for this blog for a long time to come-

2010-03-14T20:44:00.003+08:00

I guess nobody celebrates White's Day, even myself I wanted to give it a try. Anyway, my song is done and what a great to come this song. Here goes =D Hope you all like it xD

Coming down with roses and doves,

I would make you mine.....

I would stand by the corner of the this open street,

Waiting for you.....

Come to me and I tell.....

I've been good and I've been better.....

I'll take my chances,

And show you, and show you.....

I've been better,

I've been strong,

I've change,

I'll change,

For you..................

Only for you.............

Come back to me my baby,

I know I've been wrong,

But I've changed, I promise you,

I promise you

I've been better,

I've been strong,

I've change,

I will change,

For you..................

Only for you.............

Next I would stand in this open field,

Waiting for you.......

Snow ice or the burning sun,

I just don't care anymore......

Out in the world, without certainty

I need you just to free myself,

With every smile means so wild,

I've changed, I've changed......

I've been better,

I've been strong,

I've change,

I'll change,

For you..................

Only for you.............

Come back to me my baby,

I know I've been wrong,

But I've changed, I promise you,

I promise you

I've been better,

I've been strong,

I've change,

I will change,

For you..................

Only for you.............

I know I, would do anything for you...

I know I, would be there for you...

I know I, would give you the world to hold,

I know I can't deny, my love for you......

Always, and always...

I said,

I've been better,

I've been strong,

I've change,

I'll change,

For you..................

Only for you.............

2010-03-09T22:33:00.002+08:00

I woke up at 6am, I couldn't sleep cause of something. I DIDN'T SLEEP! Imagine how tired I was. Toss and turn on the bed, I think I know why =(

Anyway, I continued sleeping until 7am, took a bath, rush to college. It's a resit paper. I studied about 20 minutes more and sat for the exam. Well, I didn't think of scoring cause I can only score C at most. I did 3 questions fully out of 5. Last question, only did the easier ones. I do believe I will pass unless something else happens. That's PC Ooi for you.

Right after that, I went to Kumaran's house. Not to meet him but his brother, Buven. We 3 went to the General Hospital first, asking the information counter where is this Stop Smoking Campaign place. Kumaran started laughing as he thought we were going to donate blood. Went there about 12, understood why they got lunch break. Weird thing is, lunch break is at 1-2pm..... Extra.......

So, we headed to the registration building, opposite KDU college. Took my IC and went to a shop nearby to wait till 2. Reach there, the guy is still on his lunch break =.=" Beside us was millions of cigarettes and boxes. While waiting, we talked and laugh. Kumaran was like "Haixxx.... Smokers" and we went saying "Dei, at least we not alcohol addict!". We suggested that they already made Stop Smoking Clinic, they should also make Stop Drinking Clinic or Stop Nasi Kandar Clinic. When we went for our interview, the guy scolded us for talking so loud. Lol.

He ask various questions like who recommended us here, how we know about this isolated place (well, we added isolated). Buven said he's a hoki player for the USM team (crap) and his coach ask him to stop since we play sports. I said my coach from floorball ask me to stop and recommend me here (obviously my coach don't know about it). Then he ask whether a friend came here before. We said yes, Harizan his name, failed stopping but stop for a year. Now we are scared that this guy will check up on our story. Damn.......

Buven was the guy that first got this idea. And now when he is there, he was like, "Why am I here again?". Of course I push him to go cause I'm the actual guy that really played sports and I feel a bit more tension cause all my friends call me to stop. What happen to the days where smoking is cool???? Lol, joking. 4 taboos, I did 3, smoking, drinking, drugs (only once though and lucky I didn't get addicted and it's pills). You see, you have to try everything, know it first hand, get out of it if it's not safe. Obviously only I call the shot.

Got home, damn sleepy. Slept until dawn. Anyway, thanks for reading =D

2010-03-06T18:42:00.002+08:00

Today has been one hell of a day. I only slept 2 hours because I had a terrible headache. Due to over-training for floorball, I damage my wrist's nerve and my leg aches like hell. So much for the last day of "Injured free" week. I was extremely tired so alright, I told myself that I should be okay. Not to mention my friend's dad pass away. So far, it's been 3 of my friend's dad pass away. I was really moody last night and got a terrible headache.

Then right after work, my manager brought me to Balik Pulau to view our first team league match. Congrats, they won 0-4! Then this boy called Sean/Shaun/Shawn kept annoying me so I got ticked and just call him to shut his mouth. He got scared, kept quiet, then do the same business again. By then, I decided to stay far away from him.

Around 1, I went home, gain back a bit of energy and left for the funeral. I reached training at around 4pm. Really had a bad training and then, the training match start. Played and I was already extremely in bad shape. No stamina at all. While I was playing, this Sean guy came slashing my stick, pull my stick away and used his body to push away my stick which is a sure foul. He did that for 3 times before I got really ticked off and just shouted at him, "Can you don't slash my stick!?". Obviously this form 1 kid don't know shit. And for that, I really in the verge of whacking him with my stick.

I got lectured by my manager, yes, I do agree I should play it cool but I had a wrist injury and it really hurts. Even typing on the keyboard now, makes my hand shakes a little. After the training, I told my manager what happen and he understood that he was really annoying. We confront him, tried to advice him but he is too stubborn. I just had to keep quiet in order to respect my manager. But, I gave him so many chances and he really test my patiences. Next, I won't be so nice. And yes, he is indeed annoying and he proudly said he is but he doesn't care about what people think.

Anyway, going to take a nap first before going to work. Bye =D

2010-03-05T14:39:00.002+08:00

Now a great tension has arrived. Oh yeah, the last post was done cause I was bored, no such psychiatrist. Anyway, we are going to be facing off with the Frontliners 300, a much more experience team than us, Firebrands Patriot. I really have no confidence on winning this match but I wish that this prove me wrong. We will see about it on the 27th of March.

Right now, Bryan told me I rise up pretty fast comparing to others. Honestly, I don't think so. It's been 3 weeks since I started floorball and it's tense me up. There's so many issues regarding about the second team. This and that, here and there, how could I coop with that? I hope what Bryan said will be true and that the other team is as bad as us. I hope to score at least 8 goals in 4 games, let me have the chance to be an All Star player. I got a few compliments here and there and yeah, I'm touched.

Now, I have one problem and after deducing here and there, I agree that my feet hurts due to the fact that my legs can't take the new pressure because of my growth in weight. 3 months I haven't been playing sports and in that 3 months, I gain 8kg (followed by another kg in the 4th). I don't have a clue to speed up on how to build my leg's muscle quick. I asked Sherwynd and he kinda like insulted me by saying that I should train my upper body instead. Obviously I got a little angry. I just ask you, you tell me, don't insult me lah....

We headed to Balik Pulau training ground for training. I was really disappointed with the training because it didn't really seem so fruitful and the fact that I was invited but my whole team wasn't there. I'm suppose to train with my team, build some chemistry or what not. Then during the training match, without any discussion, I became a defender, not a position I'm going to play in the league. That's the thing about the first team, they don't care about the second team. They practically train potential second team players and shift them straight to the first team. How would the second team even have a shot?

I just pray to the Lord that I can hopefully make a difference as an addition to the team. Aim for top scorer! Oh yeah, I think I might need to go to church often, just in case I don't got too used to Protesters..... Lol!

2010-03-03T22:44:00.002+08:00

My psychiatrist told me to list down a list of things about me but I'm going to make an essay. Here it goes xD

I'm more health concern ever since I graduated, I eat more particular stuff. Just to gain weight, I eat a lot but not really the good stuff. I'm fond to salads and I don't eat junk food anymore. Used to crave potato chips but I cut almost completely. I don't fancy ice cream at all, there's nothing special but I do like chocolates.

I love to play sports, hate crowded places, I love jazz compared to heavy metal, can't stand being alone, can't stand eating outside alone except only under desperation, always have injury problems due to lack of fitness and warming ups, I have a hair sense style equals to zero, I love accessories that are metal elements, might be able to love seafood one day, love to drink grape juice or ice lemon tea, don't like watching series on Astro cause I can't wait to watch the next episode, will be extra quiet to a crowd of people I don't know, no favourite colour in particular, like to do anything new, have insomnia, can't sleep on bright light unless too sleepy, only sleep 6 hours a day since I graduated, get bored over things easily, give up easily, loyal towards certain level of leadership or dedication, spend money worst than drinking water, always tries to cheat the system of any sort. Lol.

That's all folks =d

2010-03-02T00:24:00.002+08:00

Oh yeah baby, I found something good xD Of course I copied from AFC. This is something I would surely make! A bit of editing is made to fulfill the ingredients that I can't find xD

Beef (ribs) x6

Celery (2 sticks of celery at least)

Golden onions (2)

Olive oil (extra virgin, yours truly xD )

Carrots (2 should do the trick)

Red Wine (ready to sacrifice the whole bottle) (red top)

Basil leaves (I don't favour this but I will give it a try once more)

Spring onions (Cause I LOVE spring onions xD )

Firstly, just fry the tender beef ribs (ain't tender actually) with olive oil (it's way healthier than our local sesame oil, trust me), don't have to marinate it. The side lines are celery, golden onions, carrots, mix all together fried just for a couple of minutes (low fire and when I said couple, it means 2 minutes). Then pour it in with the ribs, cook boil it with a whole bottle of red wine. Just until it boils and you can put it in the oven for over 350 degree. The longer it's in the oven, the more it's alcohol level will be gone. I personally don't want to over cooked it cause the ribs will surely be good damn soft.

As for dessert while waiting for the ribs, this is easier. Get 4 fuji apple, put it together with a whole bottle of white wine, boil it. Stir around and add honey, NOT SUGAR. Boil it for only a few minutes and then you can add vanilla essences (1 tablespoon will do) and some raisins (preferably yellow raisins cause it mix well with white wine). Let me tell you this, white things, goes with white wine, red things, goes with red wine. As easy as that!

Next on the side dish are mash potatoes with WINE! Boil the wine and mash the potatoes seperately. Mix butter and cream in the wine, don't stir! Just move the wok around will do. Then you can put the potatoes in once it's boiled.

There you have it, the perfect dinner!

2010-03-01T16:54:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, a great day, today, the worst day. See how fate plays balance? Read the previous post about yesterday. As for today, results came out and I was so disappointed. I failed ELECTRONICS and it has to be from this lecturer, PC Ooi who hates me. Well, I don't like his method of teaching, fast and cannot understand. I haven't failed any major exams until form 6, where it began to be too tough. Monthly exams don't bother, I didn't try also. But when I enter to tertiary education, I failed like never before. College, I failed 3 subjects in 2 semester and that's an impact for me. Always felt like letting go cause the subjects I fail are NOT MY SPECIALTY (NON COMPUTER SUBJECTS). I really hate it, first semester was really torturing, all the subjects don't have anything I applied to study and therefore I fail Electrical and Engineering Maths. Then this semester I failed Electronics which is a shock to me. I got B for course work, a mere 18-22 marks are needed in order to pass, the paper wasn't even hard! It's 60%!? How can I not get 18-22 marks!? Memang involved the lecturer's attitude against me.

And the problem is, I failed Engineering Maths again. Electrical pass and substitute with Electronics. This 3 subjects are core subjects, every field of engineering has to go through with it. And that serves a problem cause in order to go forward, need to pass this bloody subject. But I kept my words, I'm doing this for a reason.

I always think back, I chose to work and not study last time. Then things changes and I continued studying. Then this kinda things like failing, demotivates me. I was really in the tension that my college is so far from my house that I want to change college using the credits I have. Really really disappointed. In me or whoever I need to blame, it doesn't matter. Once diploma is done, I can go for my degree which is 80% the subject has the related topics of what I applied for. Problem is, there's no degree in Penang in what I'm taking.

HAIX, S-T-R-E-S-S!

2010-03-01T00:12:00.002+08:00

Two thumbs up, we did our best, we still far behind from the best of division 2 floorball team. It was not even a close call but we did our best.

Ztec B VS Firebrands B - (Either 8 or 13) - 3

Ztec A VS Firebrands A - 9 - 3

I was in Firebrands B, second team. I did what I can and scored 2 goals out of the 3 goals. I was quite shocked myself actually. I used the back side of the stick, at a tight angle and scored without looking. Next thing I knew, the ball enters and I was so happy. Then one of my team tier mate scored another goal. We were losing but it felt so great. I did the 3rd goal from the middle, went through the lower part of the defenders and scored. I did what I can during that shot, gave my all, blast and fell down.

During the first period, a guy I didn't really like (well, he dislike me too), he hit my head with the stick from the back and I fell. Really damn painful. He got sent out 2 minutes and after awhile, I got sent out 2 minutes for slashing sticks. I did my cousin a favour, not on purpose. I gave a shot but slash my cousin's ex girlfriend (2nd ex from the latest) hard that she dropped her stick, luckily I didn't get a foul. My team mates told me that she fingers bleed? I felt so bad and apologies to her after the game.

Today is also a day where I'm injured free (not due to my own self) except for the getting hit by the stick part. Keras kepala, what to do =D

I built interest in the game and got good comments by the coach (as so as my friend told). Only thing is, I need to build up more stamina. I'm going to register for the stop cigarettes campaign by the General Hospital and I really hope to end this once and for all. Girls don't like smokers, aren't like the olden days. Lol.

Anyway, I'm dead exhausted. Next week is division 2, should be a little more easier than this friendly match. Held in Balik Pulau every Sunday, NOT RED CRESCENT. Come and watch if you can and I hope to generate some fans by scoring more goals.

That's all folks =D

2010-02-24T16:45:00.004+08:00

I need a schedule planner or a personal assistant! Got so much things to do.

Wednesday (today) = Football 6pm, Meet up with friend (9pm), Supper with cousin (10pm)

Thursday = Maths midterm (3rd midterm at 2pm), maybe training floorball

Friday = Football (5.30pm at Youth Park), work (11pm)

Saturday = Floorball training (2-5pm), work (11pm)

Sunday = Floorball friendly (some time at noon), Football (6pm)

Monday & Tuesday = Study for finals (EMS)

Wednesday = Finals (EMS)

And then I'm free! Cracking my head to find out how to get a part-time job. Friend recommended a work at home job but not sure can or not. Each assignments, can get about RM250, estimate 3 days to complete. 1 day would be able to finish but I don't want to get my hopes high. Like what my Singh friends would call me, Chinaman, cause everything I think is about making money....... Who doesn't. Lol. Speaking of which, list of nicknames my friend call me. Don, Ah Don, The Don, Chinaman, Duck (Hokkien & English), Tai lor (cause I walk like one), Ah Long (same reason). Lol.

And my diet has been really really unhealthy. Got scolded by my cousin and mum for eating too much. At least I'm still fit. Going to gym like what my cousin recommended is a bad idea, muscle cramp 2 days later. I haven't had any good sleep, each time I think of something, I dreamed of weird stuff. Oh yeah, did a little wrestling with Tjun Yan that night in the party and I won! Evidence that I'm growing stronger. USED TO BE THE WEAKEST. Now in term of strength, I beat Lye Boon and Tjun Yan. Next target, Jindhu and I will save next year for Eng Wooi. He's too strong. At least 3 placing out of 5 =D Also, the gym I went has body combat classes which I'm damn interested to join. Whatever body combat is, it's combat!

Today, I woke up, luckily. It was a nightmare! I dreamed that my family suddenly moved to Singapore and I left together with them without telling anyone. I was like so sad in this forsaken dream, knock myself to sleep in the bloody dream several times. Wow, it felt damn real.

And since Division 2 for Floorball is coming, I will be playing centre. I wanted defense cause I'm good in defense but my manager Alex told me centre. Have to obey. That means more stamina needed! We will be playing at Red Crescent/St. John, near the Air Itam road, more to Rifle Range there. Every Sunday, morning till evening. Be sure to come! Also, visit this website http://fieryfloorballers.blogspot.com/ for more info. My cousin and I are in blue =D It's a new club that I join. Firebrands. Although I got 2nd team, I need to struggle to play in Division 2 and hopefully can join 1st team quick.

Take care!~

2010-02-23T14:45:00.003+08:00

Last night, I didn't think it will be a blast. Anyway, start with during the day. Head to college for this stupid retain class, decided not to attend the afternoon class. My lecturer, PC Ooi, is mad. Every week midterm, then straight to finals. I didn't have the time and I suck in Engineering Maths. I knew that I didn't get enough points so I just jack the afternoon class. Just cause I one time didn't come (I didn't know got class that day), 2 quiz which carries A LOT OF MARKS, are all gone. All because in a day, 6 hours class.

So, I head to Queensbay to meet up with my cousin. Walked around, window shopping and then we both went to gym. Start training my legs mostly, followed my cousin's sets and God, it's hurts right now. All aching. Anyway, I'm a little buff if I may add =D

Went home, took a big long shower. Then my friends tried prank calling me, it didn't work even the first time that did it. Anyhow, they revealed themselves and told me my picture is in the Firebrands Floorball blog. I counted 4 times in the pictures =d Apparently, I was 'caught' doing illegal moves like jumping but I doubt. Then I had time for the party (Lye Boon's) so I went to Salvation book store and meet up with this prank callers. Damn, they used the workplace's phone to call.

I had some talk about my religion against Christians. Let me tell you this, before you go about my religion when you're a Christian, be wary that I have never lost once before debating over this issue. And what I say is only my words and my words only, that can defeat you and each time you can't answer me or change the topic, you are disgracing yourself as a Christian. I never went Roman Catholic on you so please don't bother me. You pray to Christ, I pray to some others and not only Christ. You penalized us for praying towards the Cross, the thing that the Romans used to crucified Jesus, which is insulting to Christians. This issue is nothing new so I have develop an answer, "We praying to the Cross cause it's a symbol of Jesus and if you don't agree with me, go to your grandfather and grandmother's gravestone and break it cause that acts like the Cross too". To be frank, Christians are very headache-ish and again I emphasize, if your religion is so strong, you won't need followers to convert people. That's all I have to say about this.

Next, I headed to the party, something happen, a little too much to drink. I wrestle with Tjun Yan, lost to his MasterLock but beat him overall! That's an achievement! No more that small dude you all used to know me. A few people came and Yin Yee was the only girl there. Tried to call her to drink, failed miserably. I kept losing in cards and the bad part is, if Yin Yee lose, nothing happens but if she wins, she choose who drinks. If anyone of us wins, the lowest number of the rest drinks. I got so unlucky, I got picked and lost. Until one part, I told Lye Boon I couldn't drink cause I was at my limit. He volunteered to drink for me but he drank even when I didn't lose! After awhile, when I thought I was okay, I drank Tequila and bang! I fall on the couch and slept till 6. Everyone left and I also decided to. My body aches, my stomach gas (as in pain gas), hangover like nobody's business. By far this is the worst hangover cause never before I drank so many different types of alcohol in one go.

I was hungry and as usual, I need a partner to eat with. Headed to Upper Penang Road and find my friend. Went around the city just to find CHINESE FOOD to eat but all the usual dim sum which I don't want to eat. So, I decided on a relaxed, ECONOMY RICE! Cannot find one and had to give up on NS Nasi Kandar, opposite Heritage Hotel. You know the pain when women has when the baby about to come out? Contraction? I understand their pain now....... Mum called, surprisingly. Usually 24 hours after I left the house. Told her I was drunk so I stayed at a friend's. Obviously she didn't take it too well. Got home, I was bathing and she came lecturing me about entertaining people, I should only drink a glass! Wow, I don't think that's humanly impossible! Hahaha

See ya guys =d

2010-02-21T22:10:00.002+08:00

Everything in Italic is random stuff, just getting out of my mind......

Finally had the time to write this blog. Still grieving over the lost of my phone. Let's talk about something else.

In my life, I tried helping people in anyway I can. I'm lazy, yeah, I know. I tried helping whenever I can in terms of advising. I can't say I did a lot of charity but when given the chance, I will do so. I know a lot of people and met every kind of people before. I tend to make some enemy here and there, you can't say I'm over friendly. I hate gangsters and I tend to piss them off. Too bad they cannot do anything to me as long as I keep it cool. Yeah, gangster are no use when you know how to react to their every single moves.

I show off cause I believe in being proud of myself. I don't over do it though, at least I think I don't. People always misunderstand me cause I'm very indirect. I think a lot, whether rational or not, I think a lot. I can mix with older people very well and I think people my age are just plain different from me. I act immature because I'm, I act mature because I'm too. I don't believe human can be totally immature or mature, humans are always two of a kind. I'm also a mix of everything, I can change my mind to fit what's best. I prefer talking to sensitive people, they understand me well. Old people are also good cause they don't simply judge.

One thing I know, I'm loyal in love, this tend to be troublesome sometimes. I do see other girls of their 'specialty' but who are you to blame me? I'm more of a risk zero person, everything has to be perfect. Only problem is, I tend to give up easily or do crazy things. People think I'm weird but I don't think I'm cause I don't fit my age kinda people. I smoke cigarettes hell a lot, I drink hell a lot but I never will take drugs or to sex with randoms. I use lots of stress relieve methods and cigarettes surprisingly is my choice up until now but the more I smoke, I don't feel relieved anymore.

Now, I think I want to change. Always think I want to change. I want to stop smoking, I tried 4 times, at most 2 weeks. Minimal, 1 week. I used to tell people that smoking doesn't mean I'm bad but now I need to adapt to what they say. I took drugs under influence before but I'm not addicted to it. It's just when you're young, things tempt you but thank God I didn't became a drug addict. Right now, I chose to play Floorball, a very easy sports for me. It's time to gather medals once again for life's achievements.

Some of the achievements (non awards and awards) I'm proud of are : Part of the first youngest scouts committee in my year, won 3 trophies in TC 2 (2 years), several certificates out of many that I'm proud of, won the first award for MBS (in Form 6 that time) since 5 years (Scrabble), created the best spokesperson group which is the ultimate presentation group in college (probably the best of all time) and became the favourite student of 1 lecturer, able to be in front of the computer more than anyone I know could (20 hours), finish lots of computers games, one of the person that didn't study and still haven't failed in major exams in school (college no more already), the guy able to argue with the teachers, head prefects and prefects (my student rights) and win, debating slash lawyer buruk master, master in big two's pair champion (cause I got no other cards, lol), grown to desire size unknowingly in 4 months.

Sometimes I have to list down this things so I can feel proud of myself. At times, when demotivated, I can be really really screwed up. I think that smoking and drinking is a sign of weakness.

Let's talk about this few days. I thought it has became better but at times I felt it didn't. I became very very crazy, deep down it's because I lost my phone. I didn't cried, that's a surprise but I know I'm hurt deep down inside. After the incident, I became a bit psycho. I began to think I lost my stuffs but I didn't. I lost my keys when I put it where I always do. Then I thought I lost my wallet when it's in my pocket. The thing is, I know I'm going crazy cause I check my pockets 4 times, touched it 4 times and still think I lost it. I also began to forget and make appointments I can't promise. Short term memory lost. I don't know whether it's because of the lack of sleep or trauma. Lately, I gotten weak, can't find a way to get up from my bed. It's like numb so I stretch on my bed before I can't feel the numbness. My eye sight is really bad and I smoke like water since I last stopped.

Then I broke my hard drive, lost my specs. Suddenly, my money is all gone. I had like 500 bucks, all gone. I really don't know what am I doing. So that I can be fully rested, I contain myself at home most of the time. Like a psycho ward, my room that is. But even that, tension came cause internet has been crazy. My laptop is giving problems and my dad always downloads stuff. That cause my laptop to get slow and unstable connection. Constantly disconnecting. Then I started playing Floorball to calm myself. Didn't have the breath and stamina. Wish I can stop smoking soon. At this time of the season, I think I might go for jogging and church. It's been long since I turn myself to God. I better give it a try.

Will update on progress, take care.....

2010-02-17T23:22:00.000+08:00

I cannot believe it, I lost my phone....... Now, part of my life is missing, some important messages are not gone forever. I really disappointed in myself, I can say I had many chances not to bring out my phone from the car when I had the chance but I carelessly lost it in the beach party.

Sorry if you can't contact me and right now, I'm a bit tipsy. Sorry if you can't contact me, sorry wei...

That's all folks

2010-02-15T20:06:00.002+08:00

Chinese New Year was never the same since 2008. Grandma passed away at September and that time around was my worst September ever. My birth month also. Anyway, since grandma passed away, everyone has never celebrated CNY that happily before. All my cousins are grown up already and the celebration tends to get bored.

But my CNY is better this year compared to 2009. I'm now a member of the floorball division 2, scouted by my friend. I actually never played floorball in my life but it's a game not hard to master. It's like hockey, only more gentle and I like that. Lol. I convinced my cousin, Sherwynd, to rejoin floorball. Together, we shall put our jersey, S.Kessler and D.Kessler, the Kessler's duo. We are afterall the oldest guys in the family bearing the name =P My cousin's jersey number would either be 4 or 6 so I'm taking 46 =D

Aside from that, CNY has been hectic. I've touched alcohol for 6 days straight now. I became to be fond to alcohol again. I used to love alcohol like mad until something good came into my life and I stopped for that. Can't bear to ruin that. Now that I'm not attached to it, it's feels good again. Thank God I have a fear of brandy. In this 6 days, I have drank with the scouts, my cousins, my family, my friends. Yesterday we had a farewell party for Saik Ian and Ashley. They will be going to KL but Ashley already left. First bottle was brandy, Hennesy VSOP, which I fear most. I have another party gathering with Eugene to attend after that and I was driving so I control on the whiskey. Right after the whiskey finishes, the beers, Black Label and Vodka respectively. I stopped on beers. About 1, I went and find Eugene.

Gamble with Eugene for awhile, he lost big time, as usual. When for Nasi Kandar and saw Gregson there. Seeing Gregson comes like a package cause I also saw Shen and 2 others guys (1 my junior). They left early and we both stayed until 6. I reached home around 7, slept until now. My body was so tired and I nearly fall asleep while driving. Took the longest nap since I don't know when. Woke up around 4, hang around the house. I don't have plans actually but I was planning on meeting a friend at 7am.

Although it's CNY only, let's make some amendments and see what I have achieved so far.

I have gain MORE than the weight I aim for

I have completed my finals with some good marks compared to last semester

I have completed at least half of my studies already

I got good reps within my friends (better reps than before)

I want more stamina

I want to excel in 2 sports at least (floorball, football, basketball, badminton)

I want to learn to keep more money already

I want to learn how to be stress free (meditation, smoke-free, less involvement)
I want to finish my song with the right tune

I want to settle in

I want to complete my Master's Degree (or Degree depending on situation)

I want a good job (part time or full time flexible for now)

I want to challenge myself, my greatest time in Form 3 and beat in every aspect

For now, this is what I can think of. I'm going to try to stop smoking again. Gonna try for myself and for someone dear to me. xD <<< (I think I'm influence with smileys already)

Anyway, take care xD <<< (Yet again)

2010-02-13T16:08:00.002+08:00

Hey guys, how you doing for CNY celebration!? To celebrate the days before CNY (which we will be busy), 5 people headed to Slippery Senoritas (me, Sherwynd, Rum, Hem, Chen). I came a little later but luckily the bottles didn't finish yet. Seriously, the first few drinks were really no kicks and I know I have not been clubbing for ages but I would like to declare something. I'm not sure about the ranks of each club but what I know is SS is suppose to be good................... HELL NO! I entered SS before but went out cause it was always crowded so I didn't really understood the club. SS sucks big time guys, the music combination was definitely out of tune, as if the DJ really don't know how to mix songs. The tempo can go really high and suddenly just cuts off and go low. Then woodpecker marathon!? Lame.......

Well, lesson learned, I'm never going to stand foot in SS...... Willingly... Lol. I still prefer QE2 and the best part of it, I'm going there tomorrow after more than half a year. Thank God my friends are still there so I can enjoy there.

Recently, I head back to my 'hometown' in Bukit Gelugor. Right after I left, the place has been blacklisted by the police. Even just for chilling there, 6-7 policemen came to me and checked my documents. Obviously I'm clean. Then I heard rumours that the former Mastermind of Gelugor has been caught and entered prison and due to that, Tanjung Bungah gang has turned Gelugor into a drug hive. Taking over a place that you held for so long is apparently impossible for my friends. It's also good, now that there cannot do anything, they slowly left the area and become good. Luckily I came out. Eventhough so, it took months for the Tanjung Bungah gang to actually conquer the place......... Obviously one day I will come back and we shall turn it back to our original port. My place of stress free, lol, used to be.

Now I have a million reasons more than the previous million reason, not to enter gangsterism. Firstly, I can fight but I don't think I can win. Second, weapons, bias, big numbers, are always involved. Thirdly, gangster have learn martial arts (a bit advance). I just have lots of friends involved in the business. Sadly enough, I got into troubles at times when I'm not involved. I wonder sometime when I'll end up in the hospital. I got lucky though at times where I went off 'earlier' before the fights occur. One thing I love about this friends, all of them are in the process of turning good. They still are more hot headed than me so I'm not so hot headed anymore =D Time to time when I somehow got involved in fights, I had to call in for protection and luckily without any conditions. Each time after a problem was said to be 'solved', I have to be wary of everything and I always carry a thing that I can use as a weapon just in case.

Anyway, some of my friends got into really big troubles, mostly because of another gangs. The world is like in the movies, you can't simply sit around on enemies' territory eventhough that's not their grounds. Even I won't do that cause I still bear Bukit Gelugor people. Thank God my contacts are powerful enough to stop this casual disturbance occur because of misunderstandings. Just because you bump into the guy's girl, you can get yourself chopped. The only problem is, when this things happen, I must survive the first few tens of minutes. So, I learn a bit of tactics to fight a person.

Firstly, try not to get hit by the first punch. Anything but the first punch cause that's the most strongest punch during that time. It's also very very fatal if the person misses so beware. Second, apologies if you did it, never if you didn't. You will lose grounds and vengeances are the one making you more involved. If you are wrong and the first apologies isn't accepted, embrace and prepare yourself. Third, when outnumbered and facing with the top guns, play tactics but be cool. The more you tension, the harder you can think. Try for a one on one, challenge cowardice. Rather than get beaten by 20 guys, it's better 1 do all the work. Don't be a hero and fight a battle you can never win when you might have chance to win a war. Leaders are easily offended and the best way is one on one. Make an agreement like, if I lose, I apologies but if I win, I walk away unharm after that. Pride is guys most valuable thing. Fourth, live to survive another day. Have that thought and you can survive. With that, you won't revenge that much because if you do revenge, the next can't make you as lucky as before.

Anyway, thanks for reading xP

2010-02-12T16:23:00.003+08:00

Valentine is coming and I got a song that I just wrote.. I was on the way back home on my bike and I suddenly thought of it and was humming some of it's tune. Well, this has it's story. I was watching some music videos and I see that there's a story behind. This song is incomplete, I need the right tune to it but what the heck!? Just a preview.

Anyway the story is based (if it ever has it's video that is, lol) on this teenager, that was lying down and a calendar showing Saturday. He was alone and at this video would have a video clips of this girlfriend of his appearing like those MVs =D Apparently something happened between them and he hadn't had this one chance to say "Say another day" before this girlfriend of his say what she wants to say. Then goes along that it seems like he did told the girlfriend "Say another day" and cut her off with what she wanted to tell him. Obviously it's to break off. Despite that, the girlfriend didn't break him off cause he cut their talk short and apparently he knew about it and tried making the girlfriend happy before she could said it. And she finally took back her words and decide to prolong. But the catch was, it was all his imagination. At the end of the video, he really did said "Say another day" but she apparently cut him off and asked to break up. The weird part was, the teen grip his mouth and smile a little. Lol, it's just my imagination.

Here it goes guys, give it up for:

SAY ANOTHER DAY

Checked my time, growing dark and gray...

You know you could, say what you may.....

I know this, but in turn that way......

I said,

Say another day,

I know I can be such a fool

I said,

Say another day,

I know that I can love you, always......

And I know that we can both do it right this time....

Only you and only you

Can cure me.......

And the day broke out, such a lovely day....

You weren't there for me.............

Oh baby, please let me say.....

I said,

Say another day,

I know I can be such a fool

I said,

Say another day,

I know that I can love you, always......

And I know that we can both do it right this time....

Only you and only you

Can cure me.......

How I wish you, would let me say...... Let me say..... Let me say.....

This

2010-02-10T10:51:00.002+08:00

I really wanted to talk about what happen 2 days ago but I woke up with a slight hangover today. Lol. Me, my cousin, Emily (the ex), Hem and Rum decided to take it out on booze to celebrate the defeat of Arsenal. Hahaha, we had to name the occasion. When Sherwynd said he's gonna bring someone my age and the plan was so last minute, it could only be the ex...... I knew it when he said someone my age. They both already broke up last month, after 2 and a half years! No joke. My cousin finally can't take it and she dared him to break up with her during that time. Angry, he just blast it out and heart broken after that. It didn't take her long though to get a new guy. Apparently the guy was already making his move when she was still in a relationship. But it's not my cousin's fault, it's surely hers. My cousin is the only child in the family. He thought and really tried hard to work while studying. He pretty much don't have time and when he have he off days, he would accompany his girl. The thing is, she cannot cope with that, she wants more.

It's barely a month she's been with this new guy and problems started to arise. At first when she got him, she didn't at all talked to my cousin. Just about 2 weeks ago, she started asking my cousin out and all. Apparently, it's the boy that couldn't spend time with her and he's too controlling her personal life. He wants to be aware with every single details like personal messages, presents, IM, etc. Obviously she would complain to her 2 and a half years ex-boyfriend but this isn't a good thing either. My cousin still very much loves her but he somehow don't wish to want her back because he knows her to well and don't wish to get hurt. I kept on asking him and he still denies wanting her back.

From the trip at my house till Sunset Bistro, she was treated like a queen. He opens the door for her, wear her safety beat, teman her to talk every single time. It's like they are not even in the group. Then when we reach the bistro, he set the chair for her, pour her the beer, drank for her the beer when she can't take it, etc. She even called him to have a private talk with her, he still layan her. They talked about the new boyfriend. I don't get it but my friends said this is plain stupid. He manja her last time, doing it the same now. How can she change for the better good when the problem is her manja? Every time I asked him to just give her excuse, he in the end didn't do it. He's a person that very hard to say no to her. Then my cousin would purposely show his attitude of bad ass in front of her, talk dirty and such just to demote her. Apparently she knows that and played along. Go like, "Yeah, last time also he like that". Every time my cousin heard that, he kept quiet for awhile. Stunned. Lol

Then we headed to MacDonalds. Emily's boyfriend had called in earlier and volunteered to fetch her home. My cousin asked the guy not to come upstairs. Funny part is, he didn't dare come out also. This guy is some PFS guy, about 3 years older than me. From what I know even from Emily's own face expression, he isn't doing good at being a boyfriend. Lately I've been mixing with my cousin a lot and he showed me an album of their 654 days together. Lol, I could remember the number cause it's only backwards. He damn sad face later. I also don't know what to do. He kept saying he doesn't want her back but he still thinks of her. She is his 3rd I believe, the longest by far. Luckily not the worst. Hahaha.

At least the story didn't end up with him scolding her. He wanted to do it, scold her while telling her that he don't wishes to hear her problem. I'm not a fan of scolding girls (although sometimes I do) but she didn't do anything wrong but manja only. Is that valid reason? In the end, he got soften by her. A bodybuilder, tough flirtious guy I used to know, soften like hell. I wouldn't say that I won't become like him cause it never happened to me before. My stress right now is that same girl which will not probably change her attitude of overly happy go lucky. The same problem I had with my first love. Luckily she's not wild like the former. She's nice, overly goodie goodie girl which isn't a problem. Only the committing problem I might face. I thought I seen the world but she amazes me every single time. She's that one girl that will never bores you cause it's not the same topic or anything every day. That's what sparks inside my heart. Now she already knows about me liking her and all and it's just too early. Her friends all knew after interrogating me like hell. Apparently they teased her with me long before they find out the truth. Luckily I cover my tracks too well but not like last time when it was near perfection =D

Anyway, thanks for reading. Oh yeah, this blog isn't known by her and I wish to keep it that way. Consider it a personal online diary although I don't know if I got readers or not =D

2010-02-07T00:33:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I had to end my 'essay' short cause problems with my partner so I ended it quick. Then suddenly my uncle called me up and said that RM60 was short from the cash register. God damn it....

Anyway, no need to talk about my job. We went to Gurney and watched Spy Next Door. Nice show, cut short, it's a great show. Must watch. I don't really have the mood to blog so I will have to cut it really short again.

Bye guys =D

2010-02-06T02:23:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was a great day, I might post some pictures in facebook once I got the pictures. Went out for dinner, seafood dinner with my whole family. To meet up with our family friend, Japanese uncle whom I known since I was born. I became the family's cameraman so I would be there much in the picture.

Anyhow, today wasn't such a great day. It may look like one but the end was a little crazy. I went to work and this group of foreigners was up on the roof, partying. They might had a little too much booze and got havoc. Not too rowdy, just the casual dancing and noises. I had to warn them a few times before they decided to go else where. They all don't know each other and just met. Then they came down to the lobby, I chat with one of them. Nice people actually. Only noisy. A guy offered me vodka so I drank a sip before this girl stole the vodka. Lol.

Then I stayed in the hotel while my partner brought them to a nearby bar. Over there, they find fault with the local gangsters. My partner luckily settled them. He was drunk after drinking a sip, what the hell right!? After the guys left back, he started showing all his attitude on me. Started jumping on the car in front of the hotel and mumbling nonsense to me. He memang drunk already then asking and telling me stupid stuff. That's why I hate drunk people. My partner is a nice guy but I really don't like him in his drunken state. Oh well, hopefully he grows sober cause I got 5 more hours with him!

Anyway, well update on my facebook picture. Take care =D

2010-02-02T23:36:00.002+08:00

Today was Malaysian Studies' final exam and tomorrow would be one of the toughest exams in history. I woke up really early today, did what I need to do, went straight to college. I recall a lot of things when I was on the way, like what happened, what I wish to happen, something like that. When I reached to college, I straight away went to the board to see my results. To my most shocking, I got A for Malaysian Studies' course work while Electronics and PC Troubleshooting I have B and C respectively. Electronics was really tough, the first few chapters was easy though. PC Troubleshoot, my practical test was really bad, even 4 hours couldn't solve my problem since I didn't know the fan cooling system's position would affect the software of the PC. Weird isn't it?

I went to the exam hall, took a deep breath, sat and did the exam. Nearly all of the questions gave as tips didn't come out, not like I really studied anyway. I was more determined that I would score when it comes to politics and yes, dream came true. I took 2 hours out of the 3 hours to complete entirely. I did all the questions, whether it's correct, I wouldn't know. My lecturer has this thing for playing students, he would purposely give questions so related in objectives that you wouldn't know who to choose. Luckily I did and confirm I got at least half of them correct (20/40). I just need to score in essay which I pretty much talk the same thing over and over again.

I might reconsider soon to get some side incomes, I was thinking over my friend's proposal and I would maybe take up or bargain an offer to become a journalist. Control over Penang's articles? I was so broke last week but luckily this week I'm very stable. I still have some 'debts' to repay. Mostly I need to offer something to my friends and family for paying some of my food or go enjoy time. Like my tuition fees.......... I might need to wait up for that since it's a lot to pay. I read through my subjects next semester and I'm very happy about my subjects. Finally, COMPUTER STUFF!

And guess what??????? My oji-san is coming back! It's been what, 3 years!? Yeah, oto-san is coming back! My Japanese uncle is coming to Penang to visit and the moment my aunt said we are gonna go eat seafood (which I don't like), I didn't care! We're not blood related and all, just my aunt's friend but he's a dear family friend. Used to come over when I was small and all. So, yeah, I'm happy he came down to visit.

About my health, it's not declining too much compared to last time. I still am constantly tired and full with fatigues. I think I overcome coldness, even experiment with it. I used to be unable to take a shower when there's no hot water. But I tried using hot water, slowly reducing the temperature time to time until no presences of heat. And I discovered that, using fire with water...... Not such a good idea. When I bath during a cold whether, I would not feel cold after a cold bath. I would feel if I took a hot bath. So, fire with fire it is.

Again, internet is being troublesome once again so I'm taking my leave. Till then,

2010-01-31T23:06:00.002+08:00

Today, right after work, I head to meet up my friend again. We were discussing about problems on his news agency and I gave several ideas to help improve it. I glad I did able to help me, good guys really need a breakthrough. Still, I wish I could help more. With his life putting through, I feel glad that I don't hold too much responsibility in life. I somewhat envy this people who can really last for years and never gave up. All they did is look forward, I can't. I dear things in the past to keep me who I am and who I really really am.

Then my uncle and aunt came to visit my 3rd aunt so I join them and we talked. A lot of problems here and there with my family (other side). My own family (Kessler) has problems but of course different kinda problems. And then I kinda regretted that I didn't learn enough Hokkien and Madarin to understand. A lot of words I still don't understand but I still can communicate with them (rojak Hokkien).

Anyhow, not much about today. Thanks for reading xD

2010-01-31T07:57:00.001+08:00

Went to Thaipulsam today. Very exciting, get to see the chief minister! My friend is a journalist and he was hired by this company to ask a question to the CM. We were extremely late and so we practically ran from one corner of the place to the foot of the main temple. When we got there, it haven't even started yet. My friend got so dizzy and he decided to make a backup plan, me! He wants me, on his behalf, ask a few questions to the CM, regarding about bio-degradable products. The best advantage is my friend is white and he comes from our twin city in South Australia. He's more recongnized by our Deputy CM and they actually took so long with their speech. As usual, our CM gave a mind blasting speech. Right after they were done, no press conference! All but one of the press left. Obviously that one was my friend. Somehow, I didn't know I was actually standing beside the CM's secretary. My friend pulled some strings and the Deputy CM asked the CM for a favour, to allow my friend to get his news. And so, the deal was sealed.

After that, my friend and I decided to grab something to eat. We were eating while discussing about some issues. Apparently, this issue will go big and my friend wants to get the scoop out of it. He asked me for some ideas regarding the name creation for the new company which I seriously can't remember. Something 2G as in 2 Green (can't remember the first letter, blur right now). It was fun but somewhat lucky since I didn't have to ask the CM the questions like what the reporters do! We discussed hell a lot. Of course I won't enclose any more details on it. It was really a good experience but I must say, being the press, they are not as professional as I thought they are. They have prepared questions, not by them but by their company. Really unprofessional cause I really saw and heard them from behind. They look very young though.

Nevertheless, I manage to see our CM, DCM and Tiger of Jelutong! Plus, I meet first hand the CEO of the bio-degradable company. Very modest guy. Anyway, it's worth a story told, take care folks. Bye xD

2010-01-30T02:59:00.002+08:00

One of those days where I might consider rulling out a no-confidence vote. The girl I like, isn't the one I was looking for after all. She's......................... Over childish............ Something changeable, I think. We all have our own problems, like she don't want to be committed and all. Apparently, she haven't loved anyone before. Even I could see that. She's the type you can read like a book but amazes you in every page. Lol, sounds too good to be true. A true happy go lucky that would never be sad, would lighten up your day anytime. Only problem is, committing to a serious relationship would be close to impossible from her. A committed relationship is by far, what I want most out of a girl. If she couldn't give me that, I might give up and pretty soon too. This is really a dilemma for me.

Anyway, this is consider the first time I got a sneakers and the time where I got more than 2 shoes at a time. I usually buy like 2 pairs and stick to it until it's worn out. And as of January 2010, I spend hell a lot, more than all the years. How I got the money, I also don't know. My life is getting more and more boring, there's nothing to do in Penang anymore. Have the feeling to run to KL once I'm done with my studies. Lately, having some problems with my friends or i think I have a problem with them. Anyhow, I just want to start anew, leave everyone and just forget the world. Penang right now is seriously a place I want to forget, too much bad memories and failure. Just like what a person I known for 8 years now once told me. I wrote an essay about that person!

Sometimes you feel like you want to leave and just push aside everything, just so you can move forward. In life, I want to be reminded, when I'm gone or when I'm not around anymore. That's my wish since forever. Maybe too much drama already. But I believe that's what I'm since the beginning, an attention seeker. Lol

Take care, enjoy but keep it safe =D

2010-01-27T01:45:00.003+08:00

Monday was a blast. Obviously cause she's involved. So, I took her and her friend along. First thing first, fetch her from her house and to her friend's house . It's their turn to be treated by me and I did it in such a way that I can get along with them. I tried nearly all of the restaurants in Gurney already (the not fancy ones). I didn't want to choose cause by default I would just hit Korean Noodles in Kim Gary. So, the girls chose Sakae Sushi, which really built my appetite!

I would say that it's worth spending there cause the food is great. Honestly. It's cheap for 3 people and I was quite surprised. We went over to Swensen's cause she can get discount for ice cream. But now I'm a dilemma, I can't be like those boy that can easily mix with girls kinda thing. I can be a boy but not close close kinda boy who talks about girls stuff to girls. Those 2 were talking about girls stuff and I kinda grow tension when they went talking about hot boys. NOW I KNOW WHAT GIRLS TALK ABOUT. This girls are like boys, they talk about hot guys that they saw.

After that, we went to meet a friend, which the friend haven't met a long time. He sengaja tell them that he heard a lot of stories about 'her' from me. I had to cover up but I think she suspect something..... Oh well,

Goodnight =D

2010-01-23T23:55:00.002+08:00

Today was a freaking tiring day. Right after work, I rest for a bit and straight when to duty. My hair was so long that it really is a burden to work. About 12-15 people were there (St Nicolas). After duty, we head to Fatty Loh Chicken Rice to eat. Waited for so long to eat but we keep to our principles, we must wait for everyone's food to reach on the table. As usual, Sumay teeth gatal, grab some rice to eat and drank the soup without waiting.

After eating, only me, Eng Wooi and 'her' went to Gurney. Yeah, I notice that I have been talking about her too often. I have a 'date' with her on Monday and with another girl. I really don't know what I'm doing, it just came out of my mind. Anyway, we went to eat again, memang she very senang hungry mia. I really think that I should change my working time so I can spend time with her more. Anyway, we went jalan-jalan for quite sometime before she went off to work. I guess her work is kinda flexible.

Right after she left for work, Tian Hong arrived. Then both Tian Hong and Eng Wooi was criticizing my hair so I finally decided to not wait anymore. We went all around Gurney to cut my hair since we have to wait until the girls finish their work and the hair cut is so God damn expensive. We walked around and decided to go to Midlands. I settle with a RM25 haircut. Pretty short right now. Then it's to present myself to her after her work is done. I head home for a bit, took a nice shower and came back to Gurney. All freshen up, the other girls group up (Sau Cheng, Sumay, Jia Yi, Chi Lin) to go eat supper.

Out of the 3 girls, they were surprised that I cut my hair cause it's been only a few hours since they last saw me. Yes, 3 out of 4 girls. She didn't realized it but it's kinda expected. When we were walking towards the hawker food beside Gurney, she quietly walked beside me and asked me the reason I cut my hair whether was it because she said my hair was too long? She noticed? I really can't read what's in her mind, too confusing. I don't know about that but I cut because it's really annoying, it would be sweet to her though if she thought I cut because she doesn't like it. Lol.

I was quite confuse, as usual, I didn't get to talk to her much. But I do talk to her 'a lot' on messaging or calls. But our subject is mostly food and food and food. And about the game that the girls were playing, that game was actually created by Eng Wooi. He finally told me about it and it's a shock that 'she would consider me as a partner'. I really got to find a chance to be alone with her, too much interruptions. Always had a chance then poof*, something happens. Oh well.........

And now the Rovers is kinda having a special bond thing. When a scouter has a girlfriend, the girlfriend usually also active in Rovers or either way around. That way, it's always a pair. Something I would do but not openly do. The thing is, seeing your lover every single time isn't what you want. It's always the judgement of any sides that worsen the relationship. That's why you can't always be in the same 'working' place. I just wish that everything would be over and I get her. She's really active in Rovers now. Too active that I might need her as my replacement =D Lol.

Anyway, thanks for reading =D

To be remembered

2010-01-21T07:49:00.002+08:00

I had a nightmare, one that I would never forget forever. I couldn't remember the dream before but what I remembered, I would just tell it out. No names of course.

I was surfing my regular scandal website, the ones that whenever an unsure scandal you want to know, you can just view that website, cause it's all true and no cover ups. As I was browsing, I saw a girl, she was getting raped. I noticed that face everywhere. She was forced and I'm sure it's unwillingly. At the end of the video, it shows the part where she first approached him. It was a place next to the road, that guy was near the road railing. She was jokingly saying to this guy that there's a guy across the road, could be a rapist. Turns out that he was a rapist instead. The good thing was, he let her go.

As usual, I would call her and again as usual (I don't get girls), they usually don't pickup the phone at first ring. She probably got fed up and only then she picked up. I asked her with that tone of voice I do and always asked her to promise to tell me something before the question even came out. When I asked, she paused and later when lalala~. Typical of her but at this time? She then paused for quite sometime, like she was keeping a secret and wanting it to forget. I forced her to give me information and I would find that guy for revenge. I really couldn't stand it when my friend got hurt. I remembered that torture so clearly that it would be awful to mention it here.

Then I woke up, way before getting revenge. Here's the thing, there are 2 parts of the dream, the weird one that you cannot control and the one that you think in your mind (the control and created one). Since I woke up, I came out of that controlled dream. I was really scared, angry and all still. If that really happen to her, how would I react? I cherish friendship sometimes above even my family and lover. I did something childish I guess. I closed my eyes, dreamed about what happen next (created one) and she telling me the location of the place she got raped. Oh yeah, she's a smart girl, she manage to still his wallet and gotten his IC but the police won't do a God damn thing. I brought her along to that place, we were in the car and at that place, there were 2 guys (I probably think it's the rapist and the other guy that was suspect as the rapist). She was really crying, I never did saw her cry before. I went out of the car and woke up again.... In the end, I couldn't do anything.

Be safe you guys, suspect every guy as a rapist, you never know. That's the mistake my friend did.

Take care.............

2010-01-19T00:22:00.002+08:00

Today was freaking weird. I dreamed of me being inside a mansion, owned by an Indian family. Not like our locals, more like from India, Indians. Something about this 2 girls, losing their father and they would play something to remind them of their father. They would wait by the phone, hoping that their father would call. My dream ended then.

Mondays are not my day. I woke up, couldn't move nor could I stand. I was dead tired and my right leg was in hell pain. I ate before I go to sleep so my energy was totally drained. I skipped 1 class today and went for the afternoon class. I was so stress up about the project that we have to do, I couldn't think.... I suddenly walked up the stairs from the ground floor till the 4th floor when I could easily used the lift. I walked from 5th floor to 4th floor and to 2nd floor multiple times, finding for my lecturer. I really couldn't remember why I haven't used the lift.

I got home as usual, dead tired. Took my bath and all, off the lights. But I didn't want to sleep. I got up, on the lights, when for a drink, off the lights and did the same whole process twice. I decided to watch some shows to cool myself down. That's when I found out something good and bad at the same time.

A friend of mine, a very straightforward girl, knows about me smoking and is the girl that I told some of my secrets to and is a friend to the girl I like. I don't mind telling secrets actually, only if you made it a secret. Since she was straightforward, it wouldn't be much a surprise that she spoken out about my habit, not that it matters cause it wasn't really a secret since I post it myself at facebook that I smoke. The girl I liked, kinda freaked out......... Now that's a problem. Now it's like the 2nd person I really have to explained to properly. That friend of mine revealed one secret though. They played a game and picked a list of boys that whether they would be a possibility that she will be with the list of boys. It was yes to me at least, along with some other guys....... At this point I'm stuck on heaven or hell. But I don't really care, I just don't want a bad impression so I explained to her. Luckily it wasn't too bad.............. I THINK......... Seems to her that my innocent looks deceived her....... INDEED IT DECEIVE PEOPLE!? I don't know but one thing is for sure, I'm not that innocent as you that don't really knows me well. I'm honestly not innocent but I'm good =D

Now my main focus is my project, finals and leg. I really fear that I cannot play football anymore. Actually, at times, I think my leg just can't support my new heavier body...... MAYBE...

Lol, anyway, gotta run! Thanks for reading!

2010-01-17T19:58:00.003+08:00

Today memang a sad day in the end. Since I promised to eat with my cousin, so we went Swensen's again. Conclusion, it's a nice place to bring your love ones to go, more like a treating thing rather than a special day. She was obviously working also =D Well, not that I'm stalking or anything, I just came down to finish my pizza coupon but........ She didn't tell me one thing....... I thought I must order RM30 and above to entitle to use my pizza coupon. So I also ordered and the bill came around RM60+. Then I received another coupon which I was wondering. Obviously I don't want to come again cause she will feel weird and all. So, I thought they forgotten to get my coupon so I called her and asked her. Indeed they forgotten but I was issued another coupon........... WTH!?

Well, for every RM30, I get another pizza and not the other way around! Now I have to come again but the food is good and normal prize actually. I wonder why people don't come around and eat in restaurants. I thought it would be so damn expensive but it's consider very cheap to me! Even Chili's is cheap. I ordered breaded chicken something and ice lemon tea. My cousin ordered salad and coffee. Since I always wanted to try clam chowder, so I add another order. Which is okay only. I really prefer the chicken and salad (yeah, I curi some). During that time where I was talking with my cousin, my cousin was teaching me all the how to get a girl thing. He told me not to come Swensen's anymore, as it would be weird like what I thought. But then, it wasn't I who came willingly but she asked me to. Every chance she had, she would talk to me and show her cuts on her arm during working time. We got a little chance to talk eventhough her supervisor and manager was around. I got the come again thing from her since she knew I got another pizza coupon. I will come again perhaps cause me and my cousin must eat more of the food to understand the potential 'date' place (that's how he would say it). I was thinking maybe the last thing before I move on to another step.

My cousin too told me that I have chance with her and noticed that whenever I'm around, she couldn't focus her work and thing. Obviously I don't believe it cause she never worked as a waitress before. He would teach me things and all but I think I will do it my way. Oh well, my way is always slow and steady but I think I will push a little faster this time. I can't wait until she goes to National Service. I jokingly asked her to join me in my college and she actually agreed but I told her not to since this isn't what she would want. Like others, she wanted to become an air stewardess which I would surely object. The course is ridiculously pointless and waste of money. In my heart, if she becomes an air stewardess, I wouldn't tolerate being alone. Luckily she said she have given up that hopes but now she is clueless on what she want to become. I gave her choices and she simply agreed with me. I really really don't understand her.......

After (what do you call between lunch and dinner?), I went to play football with my ex-brother-in-law (it's practically revenge for calling me his son-in-law). Just 5 minutes, I injured my right thigh, an injury I got on Friday for nothing. I still continued playing though and gave 2 goals to the opponent. I was limping at the defenses and even bit my own tongue. It was really painful. Now that my right leg is also injured, I think I have to stop football again. Like what my friend told me last time, if football is so dangerous, why play? I still cannot give her a good answer right until now too.

Oh well, thanks for reading =D

2010-01-15T23:29:00.002+08:00

Hehehe, my uncle suddenly wants to come down to Penang and we went to Gurney Drive to meet up. My uncle went, "What you want to eat?" soooo, I took my chance and say Swensen's! I met that girl there, actually I felt so damn shy but what the hell! At least I kept my promise! My uncle was wondering why I chose Swensen's so I told him it's a promise. When he found out it was a girl, I revealed to him the secret. Knowing this, he lagi want to meet the girl. Lol.

I went only, next to the table I was about to sit, I recongnized her appearance from the back (no, I wasn't staring at the butt!). When she turned, she's like happy to meet me =D So, she served us. I open the menu, didn't know what to choose. My uncle asked me to choose an ice cream and a food. I actually knew he's gonna eat in a restaurant so I was thinking why not fulfill my promise? When I open the menu, she terus recommend this and that. Lol. When he had a chance, he tried to korek information about her from her. And she told my uncle everything he wants to know. I had to play cool. I ordered at first a simple soup cause I already ate fried noodles and chee chong fun about an hour gap. Then my uncle went "Eat something else lah" so I picked the Hawai Pizza, big mistake!

I suffered from getting forced to eat my pizza. She thought we both are eating it. We ordered banana split, pizza (for me), salad and tower ice-cream (uncle). Luckily I finished it and got saluted. Lol. She's a bit shy and all, I just make don't know. So sweet =D Went home, smiled and then straight to work. Lol. She was so tired so I let her to sleep. Lol.

Too be continued =D

2010-01-14T23:25:00.002+08:00

Lol, last Wednesday (that is yesterday), I went to Penang Bowling. Suddenly the girls wanted to go bowling and lucky for me class got postpone. Note to self, when they plan on 6 or 7, come around 6.30! Waited for 30 minutes there.

The people who came is myself, Sumay, Jia Yi, Chi Lin, Saik Ian, Aaron and Tian Hong. So, we went bowling, too bad Yvonne went to Australia already. Food is seriously expensive there. Fried mixed vegie, RM10............. WHO WILL BUY!?

So, they arrived around 6.30, waited for awhile until we got a free lane. Then Tian Hong didn't play cause only 6 people is allowed. This is my 4th time playing so I suck really bad. First round, I got 4th out of 6th. Sumay, the supposedly pro, didn't play like what she say she would. Lol. I masuk lokang God knows how many times but still made it 4th! The girls throw like so slow, also get strikes! So, I began my observation on the other lanes. If I were to throw the ball instead of sliding it, it will go straight!

Round 2 began. I got 1st! I at least hit the pins every turn unlike previously. Tian Hong played solo, beat me flat. Got like 3 strikes for him, I got only 1! Terus I all semangat to play bowling already. Then after that, we went to KFC. The girls seriously was arguing where to eat. But only Sumay didn't really care. The moment I asked her come go makan, her eyes open big big! Then she smile. Like never eat in ages. Lol. After that, chit chat for awhile, then go home.

Ahem... Now, I kinda feel weird to mix around with girls. So not used to mix with younger girls. But because she's there, I have to someway or another. Feel weird still cause I usually mix with more mature group, about my age or older. I don't mind the shopping girls do, it's the conversation that they talk about. A little way past my time. Anyway, I discovered and double confirm that the girl I like is blur, to somewhat call, the max. Still, she interests me. Time to time, she will look at me for God knows why. Maybe staring at space. I'm still hit by 'she's not easy to fall in love' thing. For once, she's the girl that I rush into things? This won't happen if she's not enroll for National Service I guess.

Oh well, to be continued =D

2010-01-10T00:02:00.002+08:00

Plan memang went havoc today. I woke up about 11.30am, got ready and went to Yvonne's house. The plan is, I'm to go for a meeting in Tian Hong's house. And today's plan, I'm suppose to go out for movies with Yvonne cause it's her birthday. So, I decided to get for them tickets but Yvonne suddenly couldn't make it cause she has dinner plans with her family. Around 1, I picked up Yvonne, drove to Jetty to pick up Chi Lin. Since I didn't really know where Chi Lin's house, I also told Sumay that I will pick her and JiaYi at her house. Didn't know it was out of the way.

Meeting's at 2pm, Sumay's house is at Island Glades. Way out of the way but since I promise already, I have to go. Sumay messaged me pula that she's hungry and asked whether I nearby her place already or not. I just told her to eat something light first before I arrive. Reached, pick her up, 4 girls in the car, pakat, say I drive so slow. OBVIOUSLY! For their safety what! Plus it's jammed. I was about 5 minutes late. Luckily I picked them up cause their initial driver came extremely late. See, I'm fast =D

Here's the thing, there are 4 girls. One of them I like. Try guessing who =D Meeting was pointless, as usual. I would rather go out on a date. She was the odd one, the one that didn't bring a notebook or a pen. Something a waitress would need and she don't have it. So I borrowed my pen to her. I haven't had a single clue on what she was doing in the meeting. One minute she was quietly there, suddenly talkative. Then suddenly she's leaning on the wall, complaining backache. Pity her that she have to work. So fragile. Lol.

I tried getting close to her, succeed but no progress. My plan was I can have a chance to talk with her cause we were suppose to talk about stuff. Well, one of the girls already know about this but pretended. She has work at 5.30pm so I have to bring her to eat before hand. Meeting was suppose to finish at 4 but we began moving out at only 4.30pm. By the time we reached Gurney, it was already 5 so I dropped at the front entrance so I could park my car. BUT THEY DIDN'T GO EAT, INSTEAD, THEY WENT TO THE TOILET FOR THE DURATION I PARK MY CAR ON THE TOP FLOOR! Met up with them, they decided to go my way, Kim Gary's =D

When we were going up, she left cause she don't have time to eat in a restaurant so she probably went and get some fast food. I was really disappointed and I didn't even see her leave. When I turn behind, she was already gone. I asked the group that we should at least accompany her until she goes to work but without vain. But anyway, I treated them Kim Gary's in occasion of Yvonne's birthday. Chat for awhile until Eng Wooi and Tian Hong came. How I wish she didn't have work. When they 2 arrived, I got a little stress out so I left them in the restaurant after paying, head to the arcades and play. They even asked me what happen and why I suddenly went off. I just said stress. I plan it out so perfectly and it was a near disaster for me and her.

Time to time, she sneak aside and SMS me. She asked me to come over to her work but the group couldn't cause their movie was about to start. It was planned for 5 or 6 but since the others join us, they plan it for 7 which I don't want. She asked me to stick around until 10.30 so we can have dinner but I have to decline cause I myself have to work. How I wish today was Saturday! All the chances, failed to accomplish. Eventhough she's younger than me, she's like her age states. Mostly nowadays everyone is quite immature. She's funny and silly though =D

Anyway, let's start another chapter some other time. Till then =D

2010-01-09T01:51:00.003+08:00

Lol, I have been having a blast this whole week! I suddenly so strong and powerful! Kessler's POWER! I know it's a bit cocky but, me and my cousin, Sherwynd is gonna plan something huge! We are gonna hit all the restaurants in Gurney, taste the best in the menu, just to find out which suits the atmosphere. Yes, it's to find the perfect date place! I actually got the best place and it's QE2 no matter what time you go! I love that place but I need a list to choose =D Gurney would be the best and most strategic place. Ice cream? You got it! Steak? You got it! Coffee? You got it! And it's all in Gurney!

I had one of the best days of my life, this girl I like, we progress very fast. She is working in a shop in Gurney (private) and on her first day some more. I had to send some stuff to my cousin so we meet up at the arcades. She told me about where and when she works but I didn't want to meet her just on the first day cause don't know what her boss would think. I spend a few minutes in the arcade and I know she won't reply me fast. I wanted to ask her out for dinner after work or something but I don't really think she would read my messages in time.

And so, I estimate it's time on when the shop is ready to close. I was right and she sadly washing the dishes. I called out for her and she was like so happy to see me. That smile. We talked for just a bit then I asked her about dinner. She was so disappointed cause she couldn't even after work since her parents is fetching her back straight away. At least she gave me a head start that I can fulfill it if I informed her first. Too bad. But, she was still thrilled that I invited her for dinner tomorrow. I promised that if she passes her driving test, I would treat her.

About this girl, she's pretty much average. I don't know why but she's a little blur in her case. Very hard to make decisions. She is hard to fall in love with people (a little disadvantage there), should be zero experience. According to me, she's quiet, according to her and her friends, she's talkative. She's a girl who haven't decide her life yet cause she's being very careful. She loves to eat, I don't know why. She's not fat but tall for a girl. Obviously I'm still taller =D She's sweet and funny, a person that can interact (maybe this is the talkative part). I met her 3 or 4 years ago and I wasn't close to her that time at all. Then I get to know her and I find her sweet and humble. Luckily she's not that desperate type of girl or those demanding ones. That for sure, I would know. I think she's the type that would wait forever for that prince charming. Still, I got to give it a shot.

I usually don't do this fast, I take it slow. Understand the girl, not right away but just take time to know her. Only then I could tell whether she's the right one. As for this case, I have to haste cause I fear that she's going to National Service and hearing a lot from it, a girl is usually hooked up after it. So, I just jump out of the box for once, do what I can do. I do see progress though. Regardless of what, whether she accepts me or not, I would just give my all. I guess I want to tattooed a memory of me before she goes to National Service. It's just me and her.

Anyway, speaking of which, I do face problems when getting her. Firstly, it's the revealing part. Somehow I believe, revealing isn't the best option in the early stage. That's why I mix with my long gone friend I know when I met with this girl time. No, there's nothing between us. Indeed, rumours started to spread. That I was over friendly with her but she's a friend. A dear friend. I have an attitude of showing no interest on the girl I really like. It's the shy-ness I guess. Everyone of her friends asked me but I deny and instead, I make them even confused. Even the girl I like asked me but she understood me the most. I told her no and she even understood why. I know her and that girl (the one that thought she was the one) for 3-4 years already. It's only understandable that we catch up after so long. Secondly, it's the get to know part. I seriously don't know much about her but I'm willing to sit down, talk whole day about it. Third, it's the appearance. Thinking on how to appear, what would I appear as a lover, what this and that. Gosh, it's headache.

But eventhough unsuccessful, I would seriously like to stick as friends. The way I'm now, it's a lot to the friend side. Something I would fear if she make me a BFF. Then, surely no chance already. Note to self, if you after that girl, avoid this! My advise, don't do what friends would do. Do something else, more romantic. Trust me, you don't want to be a BFF if you like the girl!

This post is dedicated to that girl, although she will never find this blog =D What's her name? I wouldn't tell =d

2010-01-03T18:13:00.002+08:00

I had one of the best nights in my life, thanks to Yvonne =D

Finding a gift for a girl is never easy. Lol, honestly. Called up Sau Cheng to ask what to get her. I was standing in front of the teddy bear section when she said not to buy a teddy bear...... Alamak.... So I head to Maggie T and was asked to go else. Maggie T according to Madam Sau Cheng is........ For 13 years old! So she asked me to go down to Padini and get Vincci, which I did. Knowing nothing about Yvonne, I just got her a bracelet =d

Too bad now my phone sudah KOed so I can't upload pictures. Got there around 7++ then waited for the others to arrive. We played bluff! BLUFF RULES! Yvonne's mum was so sporting, she even dance around and was the main attraction! Lol. Then she went out to get us 'young' adults beer! HOW COOL IS THAT!? Since a lot of them is Yvonne's age (18 years old), they just only got the chance to drink beer. A girl drank 1 can, emo straight. Started calling her lover or something like that. Cried cause he didn't pick up I think. A junior of mine was also at the party. He terus KO at can number 2! He terus started crying and all =D

Boo Leong bought her a gift from Forever 21 and I was like, she's 18! That's why it's really hard to find gift for girls. Sau Cheng complained that us boys are harder and expensive. Not entirely true =D Lol. We drank and drank but by the time I drank my 6th can, all the beers are finished. Yvonne's mum everytime see us, call us to bottoms up. About 3 full cans bottoms up straight. I got tipsy over beers...... BEERS! The food was alright, the environment was there. Thank God I was one of the adults (above 18) so I bullied all the younger ones. For the price, I went back, forgotten my laptop in her house. Gone back today to get it and tried to fix my handphone at her place but too bad.

Oh yeah, I met that girl I gain interest there too. I wouldn't say love, INTEREST. I barely know her. She's too quiet. At times, I wish she was really staring at me because she did a few times. Yeah, I have to syiok sendiri sometimes. As usual, didn't get a chance to talk to her much. That's a problem I always face. Other people mia, can talk like best buddies. And she is not what she seem. Next chance I get to meet her would be................................................. Rover's Campfire? Now, how should I approach without gaining suspicious?

Well, from what I see, she's modest. A kind of girl that don't go out too often. For me, she's cute and her smile can make you smile. Perhaps a happy go lucky girl, not much of a pushover. The main thing I like about her, she's quiet. Yes, that's what I like. Not easily influenced or fool. Interacts with boys at minimum or not at all...... Okay, maybe that's bad for me =d Please don't be lesbian............ This type of girl cannot let you get jealous cause she won't be mixing with too many boys =d Hope everything is right. Only problem is, I know her long time ago and find her decent only now. I just know her know her but last year, I talked to her again and feel some vibe. She came into my dream, I don't know why. I got to know a bit of her but I wasn't showing much of a boyfriend material. I apparently went to her house before which I seriously forgotten until she reminded me to the max. Lol.

Also, I got some info. I actually don't believe it. In her school, our names were mention back then. Like when I was form 3 or something. I know my name was mention (confirmed!) and they really love TC2. Too bad it have to end. I won't say who but my name was mentioned on PMs until people come asking what I did =D Feel proud for once. Obviously I was called the bully. More about this girl, she wasn't in the same patrol with me before. Miss a year! Practically everyone in Rovers (high ranker) know about this crush already cause I revealed it in a game of truth and dare. But this time, I got 2 crush instead of the regular one. But the 1 crush I don't think I will try cause I had that crush a long time ago. It already died off so I have doubts. It feels like cheating her and it don't feel right but I'm indeed close to her. She's one crush (former) that I was ever close with.

Anyway, my hair really sucks but I have to patience. Once I go to KL, my hair will be straighten, dyed and cut. I told this to my mum and she was freaking out saying that I look better short. I like short hairs but I really want to try something new. My long hair always disturbs my eyes and forehead! I can actually tie a 3-5 cm ponytail now.

2010-01-02T12:04:00.002+08:00

It was a beautiful New Year, yeah, I kinda like mine. A bit lonely but still alright. I guess I need a girlfriend for this case =D

Anyhow, we went for BBQ and it was great. After party, we head to the hotel room, play games. I was the first to vomit since I lost a lot. Then comes to the truth and dare game. I always picked truth. Always kena about my ex (sorry, they asked me) but then I realize, no offense, it's time to move on, although I wish it'll be as sweet as before but I cannot relive the same moment. I have been loyal, I done my part. I'm done of being too loyal anymore so I'm moving on. I don't need any space anymore. Silly, I used to say I could live without a girl but when I got them, I let them slip.

3 girls I have fallen in love, 3 other girls I have rejected =D For me, it's not easy to fall in love and with the right girl, what more, letting slip the right one. Those girls I rejected because I was loving one of those 3 girls and yes, they came in between! Honestly, it's been more than a year and I said to myself, I'm over it. Lol. If you ever read this ex (cause you don't talk to me no more), whatever I teach you before we couple, remember them. Not all boys are who they are, including myself...... Especially myself. I see that you changed a little, I hope you are still you and then we can still be friends. I told you all the type of girls I don't like right? Don't be them!

I would seriously not blame a person to love anyone, dying for them (including suicide) except I might call them stupid. The fact that their life belongs to their parents. Love is the best thing in my life, it's the worst thing in my life.

Anyway, moving on. My research has been completed. For Penang only and it's only through observation. Schools, mainly school culture, infects the way of how the girl would become. English girl schools, they tend to be more demanding and smart. Don't get offended, I said 'more', doesn't mean 'very'. Chinese girl schools, they are very much loyal and easily fooled. Why? Their schools are more strict and Chinese schools are known for their 'homeworks' that they don't have time to find guys. When they got them, they grab on hold to them. They don't control, they get controlled. They are easily fooled with words, can love you a lot which at times I find it quite annoying. And if you haven't noticed, what girls are mostly the emo type or why is it they are lines on their arm? Cause they can emo very very easily. English girl schools, they take what they want and only what they want. They tend to control their men but once proven useless, abandon. Serious shit. Don't blame them, it's for their survival. Everyone wants the best life for their future. Despite all this, I would choose English girl schools =D If say co-ed, they are between la.

Now, I tell you why I stand on my grounds. They are 2 types of women, obviously mature and not mature ones. The mature one will take say 100% of a guy, give in when needed. When the men let's say, drops to a mere 70%, the mature one will still hold to them. That's because their 70% is stronger than their 30% (obviously). As for the not mature one, somehow their 30% can beat..... The not mature ones are easy to find, very very easy. The mature ones, even easier! Yeah, easier. I find that, girls, they tend to stick to a guy and they can only love ONE at a time. It's practically impossible for them to love TWO. Impossible. When I say love, it's love for their heart and shits. Not their down there. So, that makes girls, mature side more. They usually tend to turn immature after relationship.

Moving on, me and a couple of friends went grading girls school. The bitchest to whatever is better. First school goes to MGS! Second school goes to ST.GEORGES! Third school goes to CPT! Fourth, CGL! Fifth, CDK! Sixth, PCGHS! Others all in goodie goodie. Too good is too GOOD TO BE TRUE!

To be continued ~

2010-01-01T11:37:00.002+08:00

Well, the year has come to end and what's the best way to enjoy it? Everyone has their ways, me, it's to enjoy drinking. Play cards, drive around, eat, chit chat. That's my kinda of way. First, a little sentence to make my day.

The quiet day to tingle my skin,
The sound of being so much alive,
The laugh, smile, burst around,
Then when I close my eyes,
Then when I go to bed,
I know I'm going to wake up,
For this world and only for some.

Anyway, as New Year's end, I see some people enjoying their own time in Gurney that they don't reply anymore =D Anyhow, I drank a little, just before we wrap everything up, I bottled down 5 pacs of Chivas straight. Practically naming my death will to everyone if I don't wake up. Obviously I couldn't sleep so I head to eat nasi kandar. As usual, I love myself when I'm tipsy, no fear of driving. I was practically better in driving when I'm under influence =D Me and Kel talked to each other for like God knows how long. Talking about stuff (too sensitive to say). About around 7am, we head back home.

I slept like a log, woke up 4 hours later fully refresh. Anyhow, I still got another party left to attend, I don't mind getting wasted this time =D

2009-12-30T10:08:00.002+08:00

Great news, well for me only of course. My Hungarian friend is gonna help me by teaching me. Teaching me about girls, women generally. Lol, not a lesson to get girls but the electrical circuit of the male heart and the female heart, how it generates and works. S0mething my friend invented (or rather DISCOVERED) and for starters, he's going to teach me something called the 'balance sheet'. It's rather of a physic kinda thing, whereby what makes a girl and boy goes together. I can say their parallel-ness together which not only sees what each other are fond too but why the other side can fond to what's opposite of their agenda. Something of course that would be interesting to hear and study about.

Honestly, it's not that I don't know about it but this is totally different. I can know what a girl thinks (basically) because they are human. What I'm about to learn is, both guys and girls in a set =D

If a girl feels insecure and crying, what would you do? Honestly, hugging isn't the best option, rather to me it's suicide. Whether they will have doubt later, thinking what's wrong with you or fall in love? Those are not the chances you should take. Girls will try in their BEST logic to be secure. Let them do the thinking. We boys shouldn't disrupt that in any way. To provide is our duty, to accept is their will. Girl's tears are like nuclear bomb, a boy suddenly cried out of nowhere, people will either ignore or think what's wrong with him. Girls cry, it's either havoc or everyone will surely take concern.

I know this and a little here and there but I do mistakes. I can think of the best ways, to do it is hard. When you come to a decision, it's hard to choose. I hear about this story about a burning house and you have 2 people to save, your wife or your mother and only one can be saved. Well, the moral of this story, that's a choice you can't make. Now I tell you in reality, what if that really happens? Who would you choose? Would you prepare to face that fact? At times, my situation is something similar. I still couldn't forgive myself cause the situation I'm in is similar, very possible.

Yes, I hope by learning this, I could understand more about our nature. Take care guys =D

2009-12-28T01:39:00.002+08:00

YES! SHERLOCK HOLMES IS THE BEST! I actually admire Sherlock Holmes long before. If you like Detective Conan, you surely like this movie. Holmes uses deduction reasoning, as what I would like to call, laws of deduction. I practice such laws and I believe everyone should. Although don't have to be as good as Holmes himself.

Anyway, I went for that movie with Karthik, so long didn't see that bugger. Right after that, I head all the way to Juru, got lost for 1 hour there. How I ended up in Kepala Batas, I don't know. I finally fed up, just took my bike and fight against the road direction. I even got lost when Autocity Juru is right in front of me! I somehow took the wrong turning and head back to Penang. That's why I fought the direction. I got really really pissed.

When I reached to David's house, ate and chit chat with his KL friends. I drank 3 cans of Tiger and a bit of red wine. Didn't leave until 12am. Then it started raining on the bridge, I forgotten to bring my raincoat. When I reached around Tesco, it was raining like never before. I somehow struggle, got home save and sound. Lol.

Well, I will cut it short for now. Bye!

2009-12-26T19:52:00.002+08:00

New Year is coming and I'm being myself again...... Well, my 'last' time punya self. Been going out like nobody's business. I fear myself...............................

Went out to Queens and yes, I'm as occupied as 'last' time. I even have a after party, 2 parties to be exact. One with my cousin and another with my friends. Luckily all at Sunset Bistro..... How I hate myself for spending nearly RM200 in a week. Not to mention New Year going to get wasted. It's been ages so I don't mind that. I fear my schedule is too tight that I might go crazy. Honestly, I take it when I'm younger but now, it's just ain't right. Last time in school, I spend the whole year, being in school. Even after school, got either sports or scouts. I only came home to sleep. I used to play lots of football and I mean lots! I retire football maybe it's not the best stress management. I prefer sleeping.

Speaking of sleeping, I dreamed about being a guardian of some sort, protecting this house. Weirdly enough, a certain 'someone' is there. He's my boss or leader and shit. I was like protecting this house of ghost or something like that. Or maybe I was checking for safety inside the house from ghost. I was protecting someone 'special'. Weird! Then I woke up by the ring of my phone, my maid last time called to wish me Merry Christmas. Still, always get interrupted by my phone. I think I will off it one day but some people need my help in case of emergency so I always have my phone on. Oh well, will see.

The good news is, I'm getting better in House of Dead 4, Queensbay people really don't know how to play. I completed the game at last!

Now I realize, I don't know whether I like being alone or not. Being alone is boring, being with someone else, gets boring at some point. A lot of my friends are scattered around, I miss them. I just wish people don't judge me, I like it that way. I get bored really easy, I wasn't like this before. Maybe I reach a certain 'standard' in life. I really need to find something that I will never get bored of. Once I get interested in something, I keep doing it and I want it more! At the end of the day, I get bored. I guess I like traveling and my work involves meeting other people. Oh well, my life sucks? Not really, I just don't want the same thing over and over again. I think my DJ friend influence me. SSDD (Same Shit Different Day). Speaking of which, don't know where he went already.

Enemies? Don't really have any. I just hate arrogant and bad ass attitudes. I hate especially people who cheats other people, get away with it, hurts them badly. I advise my juniors, don't be like them. Luckily I get some admiration of being the 'good' guy. Being with those bad ass guys, I don't see the point really. I have been there, done that, got out really quick. I prefer get liked that hated. Well, what do my readers know anything about it.

Out of 19 years, I regretted 3 years and only 3 years. First would be form 4, then 18 and 19 years old. Don't get me wrong, form 5 was the best. That's 16 years, unclaimed 3 years. I also believe people too easily, fall for their tricks too easy. I wonder why. I studied laws of deduction, I perhaps deduce their bad attitude. I'm a bully, I just can't stop teasing small (or short) people. Lol. Mature and emotional people, I can understand. Emo dressing and 'lala', no way.

Oh well, have to go to that 'after' party. See ya =D

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T08:11:00.003+08:00

Yes, an unforgettable Christmas! I actually forgotten it was eve yesterday. So, I went to Gurney for TC2 outing and as usual, the place was packed. I watch Avatar with scouts and guides. Took a total of 30 seats in the cinema! Seriously, kids nowadays I cannot compare. Ever since we went to Gurney, there have been into restaurant, restaurant and more restaurant! Yes, 3 restaurant (Max Gourmet, some ice cream shop, A&W) before movie! Pasta mania and Chili after movie! Although the restaurant is pretty much cheap but they really waste money on food. I just ate in Max Gourmet, lousy food. After movie, I went to Chili to eat, as usual, nice!

Now, here's what I think about Avatar. The movie is seriously a disappointment to me, listening from others that it's one good movie. The movie is not progressive and yes, the show could hardly amaze me at the start so I fall asleep. The real start of the movie was okay then nothing seem to come up so I took a nap. Yeah, slightly higher taste than anyone =D Towards the end, the movie actually moved forward. Story line memang repeating, explaining what happen in the village and it drags. The war is kinda stupid seeing that they have a human under their command and their war strategy sucks. Cavalries just came attacking and dying like stepping on ants only. I would give 8/10.

After that, I went to the arcades. I was so sad and depress. There is a lot of people who are better than me in House of Dead 4. I need more training already I guess. Then I join a group of friends from my 'former' school, MBS. 7 of us went and watch Alvin and the Chipmunks 2.

About this show, I expect funny, mischief, overacting and of course cute. I got them all =D This is show is better than the prequel and yes, they didn't let me down! Only problem, the show is too short! No need to say about this show, this show is awesome. 9.8/10

When we head home, people thumbs up for us. 7 people inside a Kancil, at the multilevel carpark! They even started taking pictures. Lol.

Then towards the end, when everything is over, I thought of this short poem.

It is always lonely tonight,
Ohhh, I always hated this time around.
Whether there's people or not,
Doesn't make a difference.
I always feel that emptiness behind,
Knowing year's end,
I haven't completed that one thing.
For all I know I have lost,
I lost a year,
And I might be losing a lot more....

I'm moving forward guys, with a scar behind and memories ahead. So I can laugh or remember on the way through. I hope you guys have a great Christmas! Next year would be a big year for me, to decide something. Yes, I need to decide whether to stay in Penang or not. Because after my diploma, I feel no reason to stay in Penang anymore. You could say I can't face some facts and too stubborn still =P Once my degree is completed, I'm thinking of running to Singapore or something. I guess I need to see new people already. May be painful but I should have done it a long time ago when I first had the chance. Again, I was too stubborn but I regretted.....

Nah, I never will regret my decisions, maybe regret some. Because I decided like this, I manage to spend a great Christmas, something I don't wish to celebrate ever since Grandpa pass away. He was indeed something to us. I usually celebrate alone, over alcohol. I asked Boo Leong for my prediction again, there was no changes. I haven't changed yet I guess...... Still that kid inside of me =(

Anyway, Merry Christmas!

2009-12-21T22:37:00.002+08:00

And so it ends, Training Camp 2 that is. From on forth, there is no more TC2. I guess the generation will not continue in Hamid Khan already since the Council pulled out of the school. Kinda sad to know this but at least we manage to train our juniors 3 years before this happens. Still, I'm proud to say that, my perspective of the 'camping' has change. Seriously, I've been to other camps before, never enjoy it like Training Camp 2 =P

Obviously my year didn't keep quiet. We kinda protest at first but understood there is no way to save it. So, being the smart rebels, we request to have camping through Rovers! And because we feel that whatever we done last time, we can do it better this time! My year was the last to have TC2 in Camp Coronation. The feeling still lingers. Story time =D

My patrol was Seagull, yes, the almighty Seagull! We are currently fighting for the title of which patrol held the trophy the most. Too bad it ends this year! Seagull was the winner for 2 years already, lost the hat trick this year to BJ school. The year before me, Seagull won and when reached my year, we didn't win Overall but at least 1 runner-up and Best Gadget. Can't expect to win the ONLY form 3 patrol during that time right? I remembered during form 2, always let the guides (Convent Light Street) bully us because we were younger than them. Then during form 3, we were given the younger guides of Convent Butterworth while patrol Pekaka took the older guides. Obviously we lost badly since the older guides were the ones that won overall last time. Yes, guides are very important.

I fall in love too that time, my first actual love. I fell ill during that raining season in camp and nearly collapse. I was unable to build gadgets and one of the guide tended me. I didn't really fall in love with her straight away, I just thank her. A really nice girl, since I was sick, she was always beside me. I fall in love after camping during one of the outings we have. She approaches me and we became friends and from there the love develops. But about a year later, I couldn't compromise since we stay too far away and we were quite distant away. We do time to time contact through webcam but I know we are not meant to be together. More and more, we both learn about each other and yeah, she's not my type and I wasn't hers. We are still friends though =D

Sadly to say is, all the time I was in love was actually because of camp! Must be the bond during camping. Oh well, girls don't really interest me now, not that I'm saying I'm gay, but I have an understanding last time and I beginning to have it again. Something that was SO me last time. I won't tell of course =D

Anyway, hopefully we can fight for another camp next year. The Council wants more reason for us and hopefully we can reason with them. Eng Wooi is good in gadgets, Harjinder has the leadership, I have the ideas and Lye Boon is great with fun stuff. Together, we 4 make one hell of a team! We only need guides to become the scouters and they shall be named as 1st Generation Scouters of Rover Owl C. Nice name right!? I also plan to request the Council for pre-installment for the camp, allowing us to saw the length of bamboos to ease and greatly speed up the process of building gadget. And for once, we are doing it like PFS, waste money. 4 of us will be going all out in budget, having and not missing a single thing at all. Luckily, all of us know how to cook and that surely will be a problem since all of us got different taste.

Lastly, my favourite drink is lemonade! This exco made me a glass of lemonade, the best! They even won modern cooking! Their dish's special was all involving lemon! Sedap!!

Anyway, take care =D

2009-12-19T06:03:00.002+08:00

Oh God, I totally hate "Christians"..... And no, I'm not a Christian. I'm a Roman Catholic! Difference? Big difference! We Catholic pray to all our Angels, Saints, Prophets, while Christians only pray to Jesus. They feel that they shouldn't pray to the Angel that send him the message to spread the religion or Mother Mary who gave birth to Jesus. They know of them, they acknowledge them, they just to arrogant to pray to them! This Christian are really really religious and they spread like virus too. They think that they have the only religion in this world. They are like Muslim but they are worst! NO JOKE! You meet 1 of them face to face, they will seriously spread their religion upon you and don't go hallelujah on them! When people of other religion come complaining to me, they always go with the "No offense, bro" which I surely reply, "Heck, I'm not a Christian!". As if they think I'm going to crucify them or something!

Of course, come to the case that Catholic too don't like Christians example, my grandmother. My sis went once to a Christian church, my grandmother started her lecture. Christians usually don't have anyone spreading their religion like a priest so they are told to do so. Yes, I admit, Christians really know how to have fun but as one religion, to convert because of fun, is that legit? They also emphasize on reading the bible unlike Catholic. Catholic used too actually. Yes, Christian can be the all mighty and things and they conquer more than Christians just because they allow their pastors to get married. Some guy surely created Christianity because of the 'priest cannot marry' thing. And Christians are always the famous ones. You know the scary movies like the mist or many others actually (can't recall the names), the part a person will usually say everyone is doom or we need a sacrifice while holding a cross or they themselves suicide? That's Christians. Catholic are the ones pray and stay where they are scared. Yes, we don't practice suicide! Explains why I can't result anything to suicide =D

I already met dozens of Christians, always the same when comes to religion. They usually keep quiet when they know we are Catholic. Lagi they want to challenge us. Like they are thinking some sinister way to kill us or convert us =d For me, I seriously cannot acknowledge what they are doing is even logic. They are like an ass, stubborn. They must marry another Christian (just like Muslims), they would result to sacrifice or suicide if they have to (like terrorists, or you can say, like Muslims) and they use religion almost everywhere (like Muslims).

They will go church like everytime, a cannot miss thing. I go church, once awhile. Catholic usually are the ones that don't go much. Making us kinda weak. Our priest though, some a quite over the border especially this priest who insulted my whole family at my grandmother's funeral. Saying that the Kessler used to go to church every week, what happen? Think again, we were facing so much problem after my grandfather, even worst during my grandmother's time.

Anyway, it's 6.30am, I might be going out to Training Camp 2, more updates for sure!

It may be bringing the memories,
Whether pain or relaxation,
My 'heart' is gone,
Can't feel anything no more,
But when it does,
I'm back.............

2009-12-18T20:50:00.003+08:00

Today, the day was going just fine until........... I woke as usual, early. Hang around, watch some movie, read some manga, etc. About 12, I drove to Training Camp 2 since my bike had some problem and it was raining. We had a meeting, not very surprising, during the Annual General Meeting for Rover Owl C, our Rover Crew Leader, Khoo Boo Leong, pass the baton to Teh Tian Hong. Since it's become to this, the board members are renewed. Obviously we didn't get any power. Bias. Eng Wooi held the overall troop's Treasurer position since our system only wants a treasurer for all 3 troops we have. Lye Boon didn't get anything since he is studying in Sarawak. Harjinder and I became a member. The system goes like this.

Rover Crew Leader -> A. Rover Crew Leader (2) -> Unit Leader (4) -> Secretary (4) -> Treasurer (4)

Unit leader is actually like a patrol leader. A total of 4 patrols, consist of treasurer and secretary. Since we didn't get ARCL, we obviously didn't want any position lower. Not to mention that the new system has very little position than before. Eng Wooi was out of the story, it's only me and Jindhu left. We volunteer to give our rightful position as Unit Leader to others. We obviously gave the 'I'm not free' excuse again. The Unit Leader for our company (2 Unit Leader), are consist of mainly Phor Tay, a big problem with us since our communication level are different. Peggy and Li Ji got the position as Unit Leader.

So, we surely don't want secretary and treasurer since we are more worthy than that so we jokingly came out a new position, Unit Leader Advisor =D Obviously not possible. All we wanted is to become a member, even that is difficult. They always hit us with the secretary and treasurer position, which we hate doing. Thanks to this Ming Shaun who supposedly have no power anymore, both of us are treasurers now. Is that alright to get angry? We are experience, we organize so many things before and just because Ming Shaun's mouth, our words are useless? After the unit meeting, we complained to Tian Hong. While that, Ah Piow (GSM,Advisor,Founder) held another sudden meeting. We all got scolded instead. A direct hit and Ming Shaun still think he has power of Rovers. Even Boo Leong didn't interfere anymore. The moment he pass down the position, he walk straight out of the room. Not Ming Shaun, he still acts bigger than Tian Hong. After Ah Piow's meeting, Tian Hong told us that Ah Piow was actually upset of Ming Shaun and Ah Seng.

I asked why did Ah Piow scolded me and Harjinder, which Tian Hong said it was just a cover and the actual situation was meant for both of them. It was still unfair that they act to cover for him. Our reputation is the one falling here. Is he even worth saving? Making our year angry would be making at least 4 people quitting, if they want to save a person. Boo Leong promised us that he will do something about it. Seriously, the reason why all the girls (not to say bad or anything) are getting higher position when we service at least 4 years for Rover, gets nothing, while a girl just came in, get some high position. All because they got recommendation from Ming Shaun. That flirt. Also, each time he comes by, we have no say on anything at all. To impress girls, he used us like donkey just because we can't do anything to him. After dropping his position, he's still like this. Even Ah Seng, he's the leader and highest in Open Troop. And now, he wants to advance to a higher level, Rovers. He expects special treatment while we serve even before he became anything. Thank God Ah Piow scolded him.

Even the girls know this is happening, they obviously can't do anything. At least they are not so bad, they acknowledge us as better and even offer to find replacement to take the treasurer's position. Oh well....

After that, send Lye Boon home and brought a friend back to his place. He also had some road trip at SP and haven't had a transport. Went shopping with my mum, well, she did for her bakery and I did for my shoe and stationery. I bought a new calculator (lost mine) and a shoe. The shoe that I was finding for so long, found it, no bigger size! Here it is =D

So, finally! Couldn't find my size of 10 and I can now die in peace again =D Adidas =D My mum kinda dislike it and prefer me with Nike which I would say, buy a school shoe, buy marker pen...... I seriously don't like that type of shoe. Too infancy.

Anyway, today is a so so day, I wish I could sleep but too bad. Will update more about Training Camp~!

Like This

2009-12-16T17:51:00.003+08:00

Last night was a blast! It's me, Eng Wooi, Jindhu and Lye Boon, 4 scouts, being the true scouters we are. Of course with a little flavour of mischief =D

I reached at our campsite in the forest about 8.30 pm and 3 of them are already there. We started making fire and cook immediately, started off with sausages (cheese). Lye Boon and Jindhu had to go to Tesco Extra to get some stuff so I and Eng Wooi. After they came back, we cook some more and later, Eng Wooi left to the airport to fetch his family home. 3 of us started popping out a can of fresh Tiger. When Eng Wooi came back, we popped another can each. Then it's tequila time =D I teach them how to drink tequila. Eng Wooi wants it raw but seriously, I have seen a person drink tequila raw before. 2 shots each, a false rain sign came so we move the stuff in the tent. Still walking around, we popped another. We weren't at all tipsy and we have a crate to finish. Eng Wooi brought Hennesy VSOP but too bad we didn't drink that. Got tired of beer after few rounds. We even forced Boo Leong to bring Uncle Jack (JD) to TC2. Well, share la! =D

Too bad nobody got drunk so not very emotional. At least can korek some scopes if tipsy. We started playing that laser pen and seriously, it hits the clouds this time. Last time was Butterworth from Gurney Drive. I think I'm going to get one for my cousin. Now, I have a dilemma, whether to go to the vacation house in Cameroon or not. Anyway, we left the campsite about 9.30. I actually slept earlier cause it started to become boring. You know how is it la when you're bored. Woke up first, the others was complaining that I snore too loud...... Gotta fix that.....

Head to Training Camp 2, barely 20 minutes and I was sweating. Today was really burning hot. I can actually see that, Training Camp 2 is no more the same like it used to be. I guess we just ignite that feeling by doing our own campout. We promised that as long as we are alive, the 4 of us will continue to campout. I believe everyone deserves a time out, even once a year, it holds memories. Problem is, we don't like taking pictures. Sure got one of us forgotten what happen. Guess that's the thrill about it, guessing what actually happen. Lol, I used to be the joke in town, bearing the Donald Duck name. I'm actually okay with that name, used to hate it so much. Thanks to tai lor, Ah Ming Shaun! Hahaha.

Time in here, feels long, feels fast....
But time in here, isn't real, only stories to remember.....
Told by people, truth or lie, it doesn't matter......
Still, it's time to move on with life......
And that's keeping me ahead, to build more memories......
Like this...............

2009-12-15T17:46:00.002+08:00

Before I hit the great outdoors, I would like to talk about how to earn money, using money to gain more money and it's a sure thing.

I'm actually using my minority status in such case. A bit of accounting here and there, nevertheless, simple maths. In such case, only minorities can get this account called ASB and since I'm a Eurasian, I get it. But that's only for Portugal blood Eurasians. As I know of, this 'bank' gives out a total of 8.5 interest per year. Yes, 8.5%! Probably nearly 4 times the amount even in fixed deposit. My friend taught me that even fixed deposit can make you rich but this is my way.

Imagine at lowest, you would put RM100 a month. To make it easier, 1 month's interest is 0.708%. There is a way to calculate but I estimate minimum. What I'm about to tell you is only MINIMUM cause the actual interest rate is actually higher. This money is not to be taken out at all in order for this to work. And since you are putting money still, you should expect a drop of 0.708% each month.

1st month : RM100 x 8.5 = RM8.50
2nd month : RM100 x 7.792 = RM7.792
3rd month : RM100 x 7.084 = RM7.084
4th month : RM100 x 6.376 = RM6.376
5th month : RM100 x 5.668 = RM5.668
6th month : RM100 x 4.96 = RM4.96
7th month : RM100 x 4.252 = RM4.252
8th month : RM100 x 3.544 = RM3.544
9th month : RM100 x 2.836 = RM2.836
10th month: RM100 x 2.128 = RM2.128
11th month: RM100 x 1.42 = RM1.42
12th month: RM100 x 0.708 = RM0.708

Total: Earn in interest RM55.268 <<<< Too little??

Try adding this interest, together with the amount you put (RM1200) and the following year, you put the same amount of money. Count the money from back to front basis and earn it's total interest. And then, use the same one as above if you still put up RM100 a month.

B/F = RM1255.268x 8.5= RM106.69778
12 months RM55.268

Total earn for year 2 interest is 161.96578 bringing a total inside the bank of RM2510.536

B/F = RM2510.536x 8.5= RM213.39556
12 months RM55.268

Earn about RM268.66356, end of year 2 and moving towards year 3, you did the same. RM100/month, bringing forward the total of RM3979.20.

B/F = RM3979.20 x 8.5= RM338.232
12 months RM55.268

Earning about RM393.5, end of year 3 with the amount of RM5572.7 in the bank now. See this, it's actually now total of your money that you put inside the bank is RM3600 for that 3 years. RM5572.7-RM4800= RM772.7 for 3 years, that's what you gain. Imagine putting double of that in year 1. That's RM1545.4 (estimation by double)! RM1000 a month? RM1972.7x10= RM7720.7 in 3 years! Obviously it's little. But I could be wrong cause I have to do all the maths again. Of course, the more years you count, the faster the money increases.

If you calculate the percentage of increase, I think. But what I know is, for every year, a 1.046% increase upon the money you put inside (or from the previous year that it's inside). The maximum money a person can put inside would be half a million giving you a straight interest of RM42500/year. More than an average salary per month (RM3.5k). Of course, that's the money you can put it yourself. The interest is still charged the same. Starting from next year, I'm going to put RM100 for at least 2 years. I would of course increase it every year =D

Anyway, got to go =D

2009-12-14T23:23:00.002+08:00

Sit back, enjoy and relax cause my stories are never short =d

Today, I woke up at 6.30am, ate breakfast with my mother and drove my mum to work and then fetch my friends to Air Itam. They are going to this church camp retreat in SP so I did them a favour. Distance from Tanjung Tokong to Bayan Lepas, then to Batu Lanchang, Georgetown and back home. From 7, I was mostly in the car until 9.30. Got dress for college and straight head there. Came about 30 minutes late. Because of me, the lecturer said "Why is it that all the Computer Engineering students like Kings? Come which ever time they like and even forget to bring their student badge (me)?". Lucky he said that in a joking way.

His class as usual, finish earlier and by 11.30, we can eat. Instead, we stayed behind to discuss about classes and stuff. Luckily I manage to access the wifi through my laptop, if not I couldn't advance in my game. Though it's only a short while. After lunch we headed to our next class at 1pm until 4pm. Again as usual, we didn't do anything and go back early. This 2 lecturer's are best friends (I think). I couldn't go home since I have classes still at 6pm till 9pm. I took myself to the library and tried to access the wifi but without vain. Slept like an hour and half (WELL, IT'S WORTH IT! ARSENAL!!!!) so I fell asleep when I was trying to configure my laptop. I woke up when the librarians woke me up. Class nearly started.

Now, 11 hours in college. Amazing. I head to my Godmother's apartment to relax before going home. I learn something today but maybe I will talk about it some other day. Sleepy already.

Anyway, that's all. Too short today huh? =D Bye =D

2009-12-12T23:58:00.002+08:00

Ever had the biggest outburst ever in life? Here's my story.

Heart was pounding, body was too tired, mind was racing. Body calls it a day, heart makes sure I don't get to sleep, mind just wasn't there. My stress level increase again. This time, I don't know why. Maybe cause I have to abandon my project, GreaterHaven. Something I've done 3 years ago and if I failed, I'm not greater than myself 3 years ago. I've to admit, 3 years ago I've been my best, never can I outsmart myself. I don't even have stress that time, life's perfect. I prepared GreaterHaven to face the 'real' world. I think I know that I won't survive so I created it. I really can't recall. What I know is, when I thought of the principles of GreaterHaven, I failed a year after I created it.

Sometimes I would like to remake my life just to feel it again. But I know I can't get back that anxiety anymore. I cried after knowing that I have to dissolve GreaterHaven. I can't face myself 3 years ago and no longer I can call myself FinalDK. This long term planning was taught by people, only that I named them. I completed 2 other planning but looking at my situation right now, I went backwards even worst than the 2 former plans. I think of so many nonsense already, how did I grow so weak? I tried self-therapy, only helped me during that short period. Even tried hynopsis, didn't work though. I cannot fill space and time because I want something. Something which don't bore me. Music therapy is very effective but proven a big disadvantage in my daily routine.

I checked my status in the net, I got all the symptom of posttraumatic stress disorder, psychology trauma which causes other thing too. I thought I cured my insonmia and morning wakeness, I was so wrong. Better than before but I still wake up when the sun rises sometimes. What's with the stress? Getting all the oldies symptom. I also need to stop my vulgar habits like criticism, mocking, punching walls, etc. Anger management got better then suddenly volcano errupts. Need to learn to let go.

Aiya, going to try to get some sleep....

2009-12-12T18:51:00.002+08:00

I got a one time job from Yin Yee for a family day in PFS by Rapid Penang. Pay was okay and the job is kinda fun. Though me, Aw Yang, Lye Boon and Eng Wooi are the only ones that is station on hot sun. At least we got the title as judges in their telematch. YES, WE DETERMINE WHETHER THE ADULTS PLAY PROPERLY! Built like tones of water balloons, only to be melted in the sun and burst! Then we create more water balloons, only to lost the unused balloons to small kids. Bloody hell, we kept the balloons in the toilet and they took it! The telematch went out well except for the dodge balloon event which wasn't really fun since lack of balloons.

The last time I slept properly was on Friday afternoon till 3am Saturday morning. I slept for awhile, woke up tones of times and woke up at 6am. After work, I head straight to PFS after breakfast. Oh yeah, I got another job from my Hungarian friend. He needs me to bring his friend to places. A married woman...... Don't think nonsense. Well, you wouldn't believe this. He asked me to bring her to some places to spy on her husband. She gonna take pictures as evidence. How? Wasn't brief on that yet. Spy job =D He would pay me 50-100 for an hour and a half. Not bad what =D

Anyway, I now scared to sleep. Bloody hell, if I sleep and woke up the next day, I might fall sick or ache to death. Fatigue so high! Oh yeah, we head to PFS toilet and believe this, we weren't the only 4 inside. We could hear key sounds in the toilet back door and hear as if someone is in the toilet booth. I think we went abroad because we laugh about it and talk about it more =D

A bit drowsy already..... Got show to watch, Cyndi Wang, here I come =D

2009-12-12T00:48:00.002+08:00

Wow, I had a bad dream today. I dreamed that I was probably in campfire. Hamid Khan school's front gate. People was gathering, I don't know why but I predict they want to enter the school. Obviously we wouldn't let so they sparked and hit my friend. I remembered that I was called to the front gate and as I was running towards the game, I picked up my phone and called the police. As they hit my friend, I gave them a punch and weird thing is I feel like it was so real. Some way another, my friends didn't try to fight them off but only I stood alone in the middle of the road. I took a wooden stick, the one we used for scouting. It's heavy, weirdly enough I can swing it perfectly. I beat the crap out of them. All the sudden it was morning, I couldn't recall what happen to them except they were arrested by the cops. I messaged everyone I knew to not reveal about myself as they might be digging information from some friends. Lol, I even had a bounty for my head.

So vengeful, perhaps they are embarrasses that I alone beat them up. I can't recall that time but somehow in this dream, time really move forward, like days. I finally got caught by a trap they set. My cousins were a little too late to save me. I think I died......................... Cause I remembered I was carrying someone, who, I can't recall. Awesome. What a cool death. Too bad the dream ended when I woke up. Shit, always cannot finish up the dream =(

How I remember this dream? If it's cool, I obviously remembered. I post this up so I don't forget. Anyway, midterm practical would probably end next week. Been going to class from 10 until about 5 then go to gym. Head home quite late everyday. So far some more my house. Just now at work, I talked to a Japanese dude. I didn't know he was 33! He's hometown is Toyota City...... TOYOTA! I didn't know they have a city dedicated from Toyota!

Anyway, just made in another entry cause I'm so bored. No outstanding assignments pending. Really a headache to do assignments but I did it! Don't know correct or not also...... Hopefully more practical assignments are given. So fun to do.

Bye =D

2009-12-11T13:41:00.002+08:00

It's Friday, yes, I didn't go college today. I was too tired. I came back about 4 in the morning, 20 hours out of home. Went to the gym in BJ Club after class at 7, day 2 in gym. I have no stamina at all, even an old uncle could run 1 hour on the treadmill and me........ 15 minutes? Ate cornflakes before coming, tried to push on leg and abs, stomach cramp straight. I still got a long way to go.

I went out with a friend actually, head back to his house after shower in the club. Another friend came by and we talked till 3am. Discuss over matters and life. Talked about everything, life, happiest moments. How fragile anyone can be. How screwed up anyone can be. Especially Shaun Wong. Lol.

It's always at this time I remember stuffs. Emo betul =( Since the beginning of this year, I tried pushing and make myself occupied. SSDD (Same Shit, Different Day). I don't know how I could occupy myself during form 4, everyday there's sure something to do. Used to be a little addict to alcohol. Now, please........ I tried it, wasted myself, got back to reality. I don't understand teens nowadays which goes practically anywhere involving clubs. You can actually but everytime the same old thing? I know a lot of wasted fellas, all stop. Teens, especially small brats who thinks they can drink more than us. Lol, they are surely wrong about it. I guess the time I actually got wasted was....... Countable with your 10 fingers. Rarely goes drunk unless I was either tired of life and drank for that sake. Even birthday parties, college exams over, some festival. All in clubs. Hear until bored already. My friends would go 'HEY! NEW CLUB OPEN IN UPR! COME JOIN US!' or 'WE ARE CELEBRATING IN XXXX FOR CHRISTMAS, ETC'. No, I don't celebrate festivals in clubs, like an insult to me. I don't know why. It bores me........................

Now that holiday comes, the malls is always full. Even the adults come by like they are on holidays too! I think and I only think that when you start working, none of this really amazes you. I love traveling and eating. I don't have that interest when I was young. NO WONDER SO THIN! One of my girlfriends jokingly tried to woo me after so long didn't meet. Said I grew and got muscle =D Either I'm blind or they are. Obviously I don't fall for that =P

Gym is like an addiction already, too bad it's bad to go everyday. I want to improve everyday and with that adrenaline going by, I would be something for people. I still have a list to do before year's end. Got to learn swimming still and maybe get back to football. I want to see my friend says, 'He's back! Our best defender!' or something like that =D I suddenly have the urge to play basketball and badminton. Luckily I wasn't too sucky in sports with my friends. Obviously to others I suck. Who give the fucks anyway!?'

Right now my mind is under like a relax mode. I can feel everything. My health is getting better I guess. But I still have that casual pain on my stomach and it's becoming worst. More frequent this days.

Speaking of health, I thought of 2012. Well, my opinion, it will not happen. I believe that because I want to. I don't want to die by some disaster! My principles is always this since young, die also must have certain style and honour before dying. Death don't really scares me........ Correction, my death. Death to me is the most relax moment in your life. Where you can't feel the pain anymore, you release every urge of something, your permanent vacation. Of course that only applies if I'm dead, not my friends. I don't get it why people would go scolding to people that talks that way about death. Unless we suicide, don't scold us! If it happens, it happens homies. As of 2012, don't want it to happen. I would be having 1 more freaking year in degree and only 1 year to hold my diploma! And I don't get to use it! Some more I plan to get my Masters in Singapore. No use talking about that until the time comes. Oh Singapore, thank God you're nearby for me to travel. Masters another 2 years. Add up, 6 more years.

Oh well, keep the dreams alive!

39th

2009-12-10T00:44:00.002+08:00

All the sudden I got so stressed up, 19 years has pass, I achieved too little. Except for the fact that I was famous in school. Notorious? Maybe. Some people said I always walk in a gangster..... And they are weird cause I don't! I hunch, tried practicing to not hunch, failed like always.

Today, I actually heard a very bad news. Something I know will happen, don't want to accept it. I'm going to drop my status as a 39th scouter for 6 years. Not because I want to but I have no choice. No, I didn't get fired. More like relieve from my duties. A good thing but yet, to leave the very troop that practically raised me, just can't accept that. With scouting in life, life was more than perfect. All the tense up stress, release in the world by our training. I meet a lot of people there, learn to love things with what there are. If I haven't join scouts, I would have probably broken all the 11 rules of scouting. I used to bully animals when I was a kid, I learn to love them now. Computer geek turn to the outdoors???

Scouting was my life. I can still imagine how we as a student, just because we were scouters, we are the top attraction in school. Usually when people look at us, yes, they know we are scouters. We used to occupy our own tables during recess, get our own class for private meetings, all there is to it. Then when we became the youngest ever committee members, we were at our best. Our common sense and reasoning skills are on the top, teacher and prefect fear us. That's why they usually hit us one by one. Even our parents gave complain to the school if we don't have enough scouts activity. Those were definitely the time. I forgot to save that if we go out of scouts, many of the other scouts would address us as 39th Georgetown South rather than Hamid Khan. We got a bad habit of saying "We're from 39th" when asked what is our scouter group from.

We were also Rovers of the first batch in Rover Owl C. Youngest too. Our organization requires a mind of 18 years old but we entered at 17! Though our training wasn't as tough as what our senior have, my year committee is usually the first or youngest for something. So dedicated to scouting that most of us didn't have a girlfriend until we were 17 (relieve from committee duty) because we want to fight for troop leader. I guess that is bad for us since our whole life is dedicated to scouting never learn to enjoy the modern life that much. Our group is always the one up to mischief, goofing around, try to create something new. Each one of us also took courses to polish our organization. That's the fun of it. I got well respected during one of my lecture in leadership training by my Group Scout Master. Those were definitely the time.

Now is the time to pass on I guess. To let go what we once are. I swear that without scouting, I can imagine only the worst. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a scouter, only to the new-born organization of my former glory. But it's really something I should move ahead, so I can improve myself. Again, 19 years and I still think it's not enough. I have achieved since form 1 during a scouter of 39th GTS:

I gain a lot of weight and learn to eat a lot of things
I became taller until I couldn't be called short anymore
I became buffer, you should see my young pictures
Smarter and more common sense this time =D
I couldn't get even a little dirty last time, more like a self body cleanliness
I learn to cheat the good way and how I can without hurting anyone
(no joke and lies to look good)
The fastest monkey crawler and tree climber in school (go monkey, run!)
I learn Karate, training in scouts was to hard so need to learn Karate =d
To fight for rights and become a leader than a follower
Have dark skin tone due to sun, signifies activity under hot sun =D
Learn to love

As bad as I shouldn't admit, when I'm angry, nothing worries me at all. If I didn't took that training in form 3, I could have become something worst. I was that heartless ungrateful guy, unheard in form 2. I like to fight, I love to see other people fight. That was me in form 2. The people I mix, seriously are fucked right now. All those gangsterism and shit. I could have joined them seriously if it weren't for scouting. My parents were more heartless that time and I was free to do whatever I wanted. And I chose scouting. Isn't that weird? That time, I was clueless, I could even give out reasons why everyone should be bad. Now, not at all.

Gangsterism, I hate them now. Time to time, that devil of me would come out, went insane last time. This devil still have friends to back up him still (maybe just a little bit). My 'protection' can be called only if I'm in trouble, not causing trouble. If you asked me, I seriously cannot remember my childhood. I nearly have no memories left. DEAD SERIOUS. At least right now I got feelings and I cool down rather than last time. No brains la that time. I can do bad and not regret at all. Memang regret to have done anything and thank you for forgetting. Even my childhood friends told me so, just a couple months back. I seriously don't believe and have not a piece of memory about it. Me followed up scouting, was the right choice. I feel that is my duty to clear of people from gangsterism. If you want it to stop, you gotta stop first. By count, I think I saved Eugene only =d

Well guys, it's over. As of next year, I declare myself fully relieve of my duty as ASM of 39th Georgetown Scouts. I hope I can one day see myself again.

There are times where going backwards ain't such a bad idea *quoted from me =P

2009-12-07T00:41:00.002+08:00

The best way to release stress is to get a friend that understands you and can agree with you. Someone you know well but don't mix too much.

I tried calling Izi yesterday but he don't want to pick up. Another cheerful guy gone. I just can't simply go to his house although his family might be expecting me. I still feel angry over 'fate'. I head out to the gym with Eng Wooi. Have a good exercise and took a really good bath. Head down to Queens and find Sophie. Went a little shopping and ate in Kenny Rogers. Wanted to eat in Kim Gary but it was too crowded. Waited Sophie for awhile to finish her work and head to PC Fair.

We somehow manage to find parking space and I head to find my RAM and that took us 2 hours to find it. Again I tried calling Izi, couldn't. We found Aw Yang and his group of friends there but split up after awhile. Still couldn't find my RAM that time. After I found and bought it, we head to HammerBay for dinner. Was suppose to go for supper some more but Jindhu couldn't make it. I head home after sending Sophie. Sophie shown me the beautiful newly built temple, too bad I forgotten to take a picture of it. Oh yeah, on the way back to Eng Wooi's house, we were talking about a junior that hit a dog while ridding on a motorbike and it really happen to me when I was going home. Well, nearly.

At the end of today, I'm more relieve but when I got home, I felt, that today was another day wasted. I guess I don't get sick too often but I always get emotional. My therapist told me I have to learn to control or understand. Sometimes when I get too stress, I would pull my hair. This world, I thought I'm prepared but I'm far from being prepared. I once thought that, 'Hey, I'm more than prepared to face the real world than others'. Well, I actually really am but loses touch to adapt to differences and changes. The real world changes, yes, when you say you're ahead, you are. But if you keep on the same pace, you're going backwards.

Bye