Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Wow..... It's been more than a year. Anyway, I was feeling down again, one of those time in the day which I really want to be alone and think.
Basically, my life is getting better....... Who am I kidding?? I'm still scarred over my issues 4 years ago. I'm scared......
Life throws everything they got, I just don't have the will to catch them all and throw it back. Even if I throw one back, life throws back ten-fold. I can't anticipate 'life' anymore. I don't know what I want, heck, I don't even know why I should throw life back.
But over the time I realized, fuck, I didn't mature one bit. I just didn't have the time to do all those stuff. I want to do them, I just don't find the free time. I have Monday till Saturday to work and Sunday to rest. Nothing progressive, that's for sure. But yeah, I'm slowing learning to eat my own chunk.
Maybe I'm too greedy, maybe my demands are too demanding. I guess it happens when no progress and delays makes me more and more tense. I honestly lost the ability to even feel good. All my dreams are basically put on hold, once again. I'm progressive at some level but it isn't fast enough. I feel like an old dude, relaxing and feeling the breeze. I'm 22 years old for goodness sake.
I tried to stop smoking, that didn't last. I always had the urge to stop, I tried a day and boom! The next day I'm smoking, even heavier than the next. To some extend I just want to sleep forever, literally of course.
My health, worse than ever...... I don't wish to see the doctor. My initial testing, I got high cholesterol and my chest and heart hurts....... I know I might have some blood vessel stuck or somewhere, I seriously can feel it....... Yeah but no, I don't wish to know that more than a fact, yet I still continue to be unwell....... My willpower, crushed into many pieces, ain't nobody got time for that!
Seriously, life is boring...... I need to let go or something........ But I'm scared to make the decision...... I'm scared to be held back...... I'm scared of commitment.......
Lately stress comes and comes out from nowhere. I don't know where it's coming from. Work is good, no tension but yet I feel tense. I have sleep deprive, nightmares, all from the past.
Lastly, don't think this is suicidal. I never once think of it. I just want to get away, start anew, let go from my past that's been haunting me. And I just got to shut up. Life sucks........
posted at 1:33 AM