He's 26 and he really acts like one dumbo. Seriously, everything he's ever good at, all directly in the textbook. Anyway, we had a discussion and I was convincing him to play floorball again. Find ways for him to make him enter Division 1. Few jokes and there suddenly he insulted me. One insult I can take but until God knows how many times, I screwed him. He obviously hit back with the intention of it as a 'joke'. He didn't stop and keep doing it. I finally told him off, told him that I gave up on helping him find a way to go floorball training. Bryan on the other hand, supported Sherwynd. They keep pressuring me to become a defender and I told them I don't want to but if the team wants me as a defender, I will. Then they started comparing me with other strikers and I was like what the heck? I just came in and I did well for a beginner. How can you compare me to the top strikers and All-Stars?

Then I said okay, I listen to you, I become a defender. Asked him whether he satisfied, he said no. Then what the Hell? Then they degrade me further from defender to first-aider to scout to ball retriever to etc. I just replied okay, I listen to you. Until he asked me to suck his balls and use my words against me by copy pasting my words repeatedly when I said even the dumbest person won't do that since they call me dumb. Hello, I'm a better player on my own than this 2. Reason why they are good cause they have the best assists. Most of my goals were solo goals, no assists. I learn and trained the hard way. I didn't take 5-7 years, I took 1, 1 year.

I suck in football, yes, I admit. But you played every single day to become who you are. I didn't spend my time on one sport. So after that, I just got out of the conversation and they re-invited me in but I didn't bother anymore. I was supposed to go out for the Arsenal-Chelsea match but I messaged them that I don't feel like going. Honestly, Sherwynd's word are poison and because of yesterday, I'm really about to give up on everything. There was more to it than this. Bryan only listens to and follows people. He never decides himself. Last word I saw was Bryan saying I was unpredictable and Sherwynd calling me 'Donny-Girl'. Fuck them.

Do you know what you did to me? Before you, I chose to work, no education, just work. And before I decided to propose, I went on to think that I want a family with you. Even at my age, I shouldn't be thinking but I thought of it for you and for myself. I went through the life of non-education work and it's terrible. You were the boast.

I went to form 6, I cannot cope. I seriously couldn't. If you said my decision to quit form 6 means I'm a quitter, no I'm not. Going to form 6 was to me, quitting my long live dream to become an engineer. I always wanted to become an computer engineer and going to form 6, I'll not have that option anymore. Only mistake I did was working at that time as a bartender but I regretted. I only wanted to help my previous boss. Many of my old colleagues stayed for the same reason. Immediately after our relation was in problem, I quit only to know the next morning is too late.

I have a trauma, I cannot face a death of a dearly departed. At your time, I had 3 people passed away, I needed you and you weren't there. That's why I was always hot-tempered. Check the timeline on when it happens, my dear friend of 6 years, passed away and before the break, my grandmother passed away. After that, at end of November when you gave up on me, my favourite drinking buddy passed away.

But from this relation, I learned to stop drinking. What I'm drinking nowadays, is far less than before. Where do you think my working money went to? I have a friend that helped me so much, when he asked me to go for a drink, how can I deny that? I owed him a lot.

As for the fact that my reasons for being close to you was in fact an order, yes, I obliged to perform for my troop. But the order wasn't to date any of you, it was my own choice and nobody from the higher authority knew about it. You were there, you should know how I kept everything a secret from them. Why am I telling you this now, cause I despise them and after so long serving them, they didn't want me to continue to pursued you all from coming back. They claim it's a lost cause but I didn't give up then. I continued.

I'm doing everything for you, almost nothing for myself even till now. And I was labelled as stupid, crazy, emo, etc by my friends. I ignored them cause now, doing for you is doing me a favour. I may not entirely moved on cause it was a really bad breakup. But no matter what happen, I seriously can tell you, I don't have the guts to tell it to you face-to-face. You knew me well, I'm never what I'm in front of you. I cannot imagine it thus, I'm different out face and in front of you.

But I really meant well for you, you will have a good life. I will have a good life until I face reality and make my dreams come true. I was born and educated the way I'm. Like I said in my previous entry, being a Eurasian is hard. There's a certain level I must be. Good luck......

Still, I need to prove to know one but everyone that I'm changeable. I would wait years for it and I really hoped when I come back, it's not too late. So, within my time in college from now till the end, I plan to finish what's need to be done in Penang and study in KL, come back. And when I do, I gonna show everybody again. If I fail, I want to leave Malaysia for good. Or at least far away from Penang. I'm really scared. I'm scared not of changes, I'm scared of the speed of changes. Things may change to fast and I can't catch it.

Being a Eurasian is really tough cause you are determined to achieved something. You will never go out, seeing a Eurasian that has done nothing. There's always something at least. The pressure is so heavy. I really feel like dying but in such a way it's not suicide. Not planned. Just die out of the sudden. You all will not understand what life is been through to me. It's a living Hell and it disguises itself. You thought you are out of it but it's just a bottomless pit and you are down there.

Reason I'm so childish is because, if I'm not, I won't fit my age. When I was serious, nobody takes me seriously cause I'm conservative. I like that, I really love ancient methods. Oh God, please take away this pain rest below the heart.

When I realized that, everything was already completely wiped out. We have no known sportsmen in our family since my grandfather. So in memories to keep our heritage, I decided to be a sportsmen. Not entirely but still, a little more here and there. My line of generation have too few to bring out the family's name. There's only 4 boys in our generation and I'm beginning to worry. I'm the second eldest and the first eldest is doing his best. Problem is, he's more into the other side of the family. And I'm considered what is left.

I was the favourite of my grandfather although I was very....... Evil and ruin the family's name many times. I want to show myself that I can bring up the family name. My uncle is in support of my ideas but I have to not follow my father's footstep. My father is actually the disgraced one. I had plans for the family and I'm serious in bringing the family up. If not, our heritage will be completely wiped out. I hope that one day, I can follow some of the footsteps of my grandfather. As I owe to him like how he owe to me, a good future. He's done his part and it's my turn.

Kessler's POWER!

Well, honestly, it was a girl. She didn't care for me anymore. We don't speak unless I do. There is still a girl that speaks to me but when it comes to love, I didn't want to talk about it. Everytime she asked me if I'm not over that girl, I said "Maybe...... Maybe a little". To my heart, I really don't know. I put 3 years into knowing this girl. But if who is it to blame, it's me. I wasn't truly loyal until the mid-part of the relation, well, at least my friends can see that. I wasn't so much of flirting but I was indeed having a little fun. Girls came to me and I let them flirt. Something I couldn't do in middle school since everyone knew my sneakiness back then. I hated girls in fact, a lot.

My first love was kinda terrible. She was all good, in school and I was a goody goody type. She clubs, smokes, drinks, something I would forbid a long time ago. Then when I looked back, I think I did all those thing for her. To become the same 'type' as her. I didn't so much smoked but I tried to do illegal stuff just to look cool. I always got myself into trouble, even cried. Yeah, I was a cry baby last time. Well, this blog is for my inner feelings. This girl I loved was long. About nearly 2 years. I remembered when I first walked into class, she was so cute. But she was a bit of a..... Tomboy.... Brings me to my primary school crush, that girl was also a tomboy. I think still is! But this first love, even after I proposed, rejected cause she see me really as a friend. She told me one of darkest secret and this secret worried me so I consult my best friend. He accidentally asked her about it when I was the only one who knew about it. I apologized and ended our friendship. After graduation, we still became friends. I still remembered, I wrote a essay about her but more on that at the bottom. Cause this involved the third girl, I think. Seriously can't recall. Lol. But I learned a lot from this girl, she was more mature than everyone I knew at that time. She taught a lot of things. She even taught me the word, 'lover'. After that, I address my girlfriends, a friend that is a girl, and lover, to whom I love.

Then in form 3, I met this group of girls but it wasn't until I was form 3 that I started liking this girl from the group. Well, there were more sporting so I tagged along. One started to fall for me but I liked another girl. I still remembered the time when I got sick in camp, she was the one that took care of me. I was laying on her lap as pillow since the ground was hard. I couldn't remember much. She was the one so concern over me. After camp, she and her friend approached me. I thought it was the end. They were from Butterworth and all so it's hard. We chat once so late at nights in a webcam convo. All this while in the end, I proposed to her and she rejected me due to exam. Then the affection I found out or realized was, she's normal in doing all those stuff. She would do this to anyone. Anyway, we departed and never spoke again after I sent her a gift for her birthday. It was still too hard for me to commit cause we stayed a bridge away. Last time I met her was at PC Fair, really a bad place to meet. If anyone was there at the time, they will see like I'm playing around with all the girls. Which is something I think my ex's friend saw. Cause I was there to find my ex and I saw her and we chat while walking inside the entrance. My ex's friend saw me and I forgotten the details. But I came there for a reason, more on that in the bottom.

Then comes to the third and my first girlfriend, whom I lied to. I said I started loving her when I was form 4. It wasn't totally true actually. I was still in love with the last girl when I met her. But I decided to end my second love's relation cause I found her. I actually took an interest, only interest in her when I first met her in end of form 4. Genuinely cause her name was the same as my first love. It's like a thing that you want to know, that's all. Yes, she was the prettiest in the group only thing I remembered was, she have a baby voice that time. Like she hadn't matured xD But after a year exactly, I came by to this patrol meeting that was near to my place. And then,

I started falling for her. I became close to her and her friends cause during that time, it was an order. An instruction by the higher levels to bond with the group, it was way before the 2007 TC2 when we got the instructions. But I took interest in the my ex. Honestly, this secret is something I would kill myself letting anyone know but I'm out of the Scouts so I don't care anymore. From there, everyone slowly bond along but the bond was highly on my side cause....... My other friends said it was pointless to bond with them. I always defended the girls, I even gave them advises so that they will continue to help do activities. My intentions was good, I never used them for our personal interest. It was my higher authorities' fault to begin with that lost the guides from their school the last time. They even hinted that I couldn't fall in love cause I will be under their spell. So, when I finally proposed to her and gotten accepted, I told her that our relation must be in secret. No photos of us whatsoever, not a damn clue about us all to protect my standings in scouts. Regret a bit la. Iif they knew, they would either scold me or use me to use them. So, in the relation, I pulled her out of it. And slowly, she and her friends came out. I kept their life-membership though, in case. I don't think they will come back.

But anyhow, things where bad, like I said, I was into the relationship until mid-half. I'm not used to it. I worked really hard to help my boss who had lack of workers. He only sleeps like 4-5 hours a day, the rest are working. So that's why I helped. And plus, my parents couldn't afford to pay me much allowance so I needed to find some entertainment. This stress brought into my relationship and I was so angry at her cause she didn't want to listen to me. And something I swore not to become, I became, jealous. I wasn't easily jealous actually until that time. I wasn't the only one okay. Everyone said I surely will jealous and they understood why. I kept quiet, said, nope. But all my times with her, not once was a waste. Truly a remarkable woman. Maybe I will try on you again, when we are still single and it's been like 5-10 years time xD Cause after writing this long, it's a bit sad to let go but I cannot hold on to you. When you left, I never improved myself, not one bit. When you were there, I was awesome. But I'm older than you and I should be the one over you. I should be the matured one.

So, about the essay part. In SPM, I wrote a story, similiar to what I'm writing now. It went through all the story before SPM till the time and place where I sat. And I wrote and quote, "After a long time, here I'm, the very place I sit, we lots of road to begin. Where should I choose, to go for my first love or of the former girl (former meaning the 3rd love, which soon became my lover)? As I write my essay, I turned behind, she is there, sitting 3 seats behind me. Could she be the one? Or is this where I realized, who I truly love?". Now you know the truth, why I chose to the 3rd. After writing that essay, I pushed to move on and I got lucky. You see, everytime I write something, I end up doing something or deciding something. Same as this. I decided to prove to everyone, that I'm better than what I'm. And it's time to prospect, outside of Scouting. Next year is my grandfather's 10-years anniversary and I want to win the Penang Bridge Marathon. At least get something that would announce that, I'm the next Kessler to take the Kessler's name in running!

And so, in the year 2010, December 11th, I'm going to aim something higher. I'm going to somewhere further. I'll meet you on the top and to achieve this, I have to abandon everything I believed in and focus on something new and better. My plans are:

I gonna be a better sportman

I gonna be a better student

I gonna be a better person

I gonna be a better gamer

I gonna be..... Awesome

And for this, I risk my entire year forth, to achieve that. All so that my 3 love, would see it and even they must say, "Oh, he's doing alright." and then only I can say I achieved my dreams. All the best!

Due to a certain misunderstanding and really poor organizing, a group of people were left without any transport back. This can easily be done if I sent the other group back instead. They didn't think of this and I was really angry. They were drinks in the party and I was really tired so I wanted to sent them back home. I really couldn't leave the guys. Since the other group were girls, Eng Wooi 'wants' to sent them home, leaving the guys behind. The guys all followed my car and left their in Eng Wooi's which was in Sg. Ara while we went and eat in town. I live in Tanjung Tokong so you really couldn't expect me to sent the guys back all the way to Sg. Ara or wait in town.

Nobody else could fit in the Eng Wooi's car. You will get what I mean if you're there. It was Harjinder and Lye Boon's fault for saying they want to walk around town, their hometown. In the end, they didn't, they plan to sit down there until Eng Wooi came back. Problem is, it's not only them, no, if it was 2 people then it's okay. But there were other 2, Tian Hong and Tjun Yan. They didn't say they want to stay around. So I called Eng Wooi, he turned back after sending one of the girls back (they were total of 4 girls). There weren't any place yet to fit all 4 guys so I decided to at least sent them to near Sunshine Jelutong, at one of the girl's house since after that the car can fit. I sent them and left.

From there to my journey back home, I really thought of it. And yes, it's time to leave. I really cannot handle the pressure. My reasons of leaving was also some misuse of power, self-proclaimed leaders and unfairness. Every single thing when we do as a group, whether officially or unofficially, it's gonna be stress. I cannot take in the stress, I'm not what I'm used to be. It was seriously a waste to drop out half-way through. But time after time after time, it's not worth the effort anymore.

Anyway, take care.