Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Let me be truthful, I don't want to forget this dream and I usually forget dreams easily. This dreams are generated by it's own and not by my control. It means something but I don't understand at all. Purely my own nightmare and it's not to offend any party. This is uncontrollable and if anyone is in this story, it's too bad that I wrote it down here, I just want to never forget this dream, that's why I created this blog anyway. The people involved in this blog doesn't know about my blog if I were to directly tell them so no worries anyway.
1st dream, you kissing with a guy with a very deceiving look at a beach for some national parade on the evening. The guy held you and ask for a kiss, you said no repeatedly, not in front of the camera but he kissed you anyway, you got into it. The camera just focus on both of you. That doesn't look like you at all. I saw through a video posted in facebook, everything seem so real, it was with a message of enjoy or something. Though I knew who was holding the camera to record. Every single message I had in my own profile is there and in order, up to what's in current! I woke up moments later from this would be disastrous nightmare.
2nd dream, the imagine was blur but I remembered confronting you and you were like denying the facts. We were in Hamid Khan, the final block at the end, along the hallway was where we were talking. You didn't came alone, your cousin was actually bringing you to another party or something but when we were arguing, you back-off and suddenly disappeared. I first asked if you could wait cause I got to tell you something. I asked you to come to a certain function to talk and you said you can't cause you're meeting with someone. The function is actually empty, nobody attended, I knew somehow without even being inside. How I knew, I gonna explain. First time does my dream links when I wake up. I was scared in my dreams. You came back to haunt me again after all this years. You got fed up and just said, "There were beers and all, I was drunk that's all". I woke up yet again, this time I cannot accept that person I was confronting, was even you.
3rd dream, same situation again for the 3rd time, I told you that, I'm not here anymore and disappear. When I disappear, it's like a shadow and I move away. You turn back after you heard my words and I was already gone. You only saw a glimpse of shadows, thinking that I wanted to scare you with my words and shadow. You went on and there was this guys from my college, the badass friends. Drunk, sitting at the buddhist hut. You went with one of the guys and the rest gave you both your privacy. 3 of them and you choose this guy CB, which had his arms over you and you were like into it. I cannot forget that face you gave me when you tell me you were drunk and that's all. I appear and tried to stop you but was stop by my friends. I push myself away and then everything went blur again. Trying to remember this dream is tough but I believe it was a trap and many guys were actually around. I somehow manage to save you. You hugged me and say thank you. You said I love you but I disappear again. At home in MSN, you messaged me "I love you" but somehow, I can't reply you anymore maybe because, I was really not there anymore in the beginning.
I think I was dead in this dream. All this time when we finally meet, I appeared to you in probably my spirit form? I woke up and couldn't sleep anymore. I want to know how I bloody died and why I came after you. This is so confusing. I think I came finding you not with my current hair too. Seems like short hair. I only noticed I was dead when I disappeared into shadows. I mean, I DON'T HAVE SUCH ABILITY CURRENTLY! You see, this dream I have totally no control, I do understand some feelings inside of this 'dream' me but that's all, I can't control him.
I'm having headaches right now but somehow I want this nightmare to be remembered so I tried typing it (fast typer advantage). Thanks if you are ever reading, I'm weird but this dream is meaningful for me.
posted at 9:26 AM
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
It's 3.30 am and I'm awake. I really went through another screwed up week and the week hasn't end yet. My body is acting weak again and my stomach is having that weird symptoms like last time. Anyway, I need a break. Dearly. This semester is not as bad as the previous but I can't take it. New pressure and foreign worries gets the worst out of me.
You see, everyone around me are so judgmental. Or maybe I thought they are. The problem with me is simple, my mind is twisted and confuse. And it's all because I was a scout in my school. Yes, a scout in my school, only my school's scout can do this. Don't believe me? Count the statistic of failing rate due to our training. But those who succeed, I believe some were mentally damaged like me but I sticked around. Some don't wish to come back but everyone indeed remembered the good old days. Nobody though love the feeling of our training.
At form 3, I was tested to become what is called, a super soldier xD Obviously I failed cause I was physically weak. Mentally, I was also damaged. In form 3, I joined every single camp there is and I went through a lot of sufferings. There were lots of people to judge me every single time. You should see me when I was in form 2, totally no history records. Because of this, I also became a little more rebellious cause I could think and stand up for my rights. I recount my past and for that I'm hated even till now. I never did learn to enjoy the little things in life.
We went for karaoke the other day and I can't enjoy one bit. It's my third time in a karaoke, first being with my cousin which I really enjoyed and second being in a dreadful place where every corner I'm scared. When I was singing, the girls look at me differently. Yeah, I know what they are thinking, I'm weird. Reason being, I'm not used to this group. You can't show your 'full' potential due to difference in interest. I mix around well usually with........ Bad ass guys. This group is the goody too good group. You can't smoke nor drink around this people! My type of 'fun' involves this. Different level.
In college, I mixed with some guys that are funny and bad ass too. Some guys from Chung Ling that are naughty xD I can mix with this kind of people easily although our communication is a bit hard. College in the other hand was stressful, coming back most of the time 5pm and that's late since I stay very far away. I'll never get used to the distance. I really need a break to 'reset' everything. Start from scratch, I don't mind that but I'm worried I'm getting too old for this.
One of my junior that I consider sayang, I tried my best to help him. Be it love problem, gangster issues, health issues, ain't the very good ones either. But this guy needs a break, every good guys need a break once awhile. I'm trying my very best for him not to be me and the rest of the bad society. Each time he gets expose with bad company, I will get him out of it. As for love, I brought him in and as much as I want to bring him out, it's seriously not my choice. He love the girl up and down, even if she's those don't care type of girls. She scolds and bring up issues, really really small issues, cry over it, won't learn nor won't change. Like hell, I'm trying to protect this guy and you're killing him. He listens to me and quote almost everything I said to his friends. His friend even told me that every great advise he gives is quoted from me. I'm proud that I can help but that ain't gonna save the fella.
I care too much and if I don't care, I will feel hurt that I didn't get involved earlier. It's always what if. Sometimes I get involved, failed, I blame myself. When I don't get involved, failed, I thought that if I get involved, things would turn out better. And I'm usually a threat to a lot of people, even my friends. A friend once told me, 'You shouldn't get better than us, that just ain't right' and he's my best friend. For your best friend to say that, how would you feel? I have been good in games and this is still going on that when I learn too much about the game, I get very good at it. My friends consider some games their pride and won't teach me or involve me into a game cause they know they might get beaten by me. I was like, wtf?
When I find a great friend, they are always too short. Reason being, most of them left and pursue their dreams and I'm stuck here. I can't believe this. Even some good friends are against me at times. They even compete in studies which I'm obviously bad in. Sometimes I beat them in scores and they will like, 'If Donovan can beat us, we mustn't share with him our knowledge'. Yes, that's the truth and exact word I get. Even if it's a joke, it's really too much.
Life is a living hell but at times it's heaven in Earth. YEAH RIGHT!
posted at 3:36 AM
Monday, June 21, 2010
Really really frustrated. And problems seems to come on weekends, end on a freaking Monday. And my classes are always early on Mondays. It's been like this ever since, I mostly go crazy on weekends. As much I love the end of the week, I hate Mondays double.
posted at 1:04 AM
Friday, June 11, 2010
This is for a junior that I'm teaching.
Smile love smile,
For whatever happiness you may get,
You will get the same sadness.
As we begin to age in life,
We will understand the meaning of love,
So beautiful and tender,
Bringing joy in every corner we look,
Every cloudy days we've been through,
But no matter what you see,
No matter what you hear,
No matter what you felt,
You chose to be with that very person.
Recall the many memories you had,
Make yourself float in the air,
Once more like it meant you last.
You will understand what I mean,
And you will know that the choice you made,
Was indeed the best choice you made in life.
posted at 2:18 AM
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Today, at the meeting, we declared that Rover's Campfire is officially canceled. And there's a thought that I admit was the entire cause of why our Rovers members went away. Well, at least our juniors. Caused by me.......... If I was so selfish, certain members that I trust would still be there but I made them ran away. I was suppose to take care of them but instead I thought of myself and lost not only the members but also them as friends. I was looking at myself and thought deeply. Yeah, it was my fault.
Still, I wish things were back to normal and I know everyone has to move on. Again, I felt it's better way back 2 years ago. I just silently hear the problems we face and I have no solution for it. It's really.............. Saddening.
posted at 5:39 PM
Friday, June 4, 2010
Looks like the worst has came and passed. Although I did very bad in my exam, I'm more relieved. All this tension has passed and I still a bit down because I became all tension with something 2 days before my exam. And I really conclude that I should isolate myself from all my friends. I used to depend on others a lot but right now I feel I'm more than just an annoyance to certain people and I bring trouble to both them and myself.
I now choose to be apart from them and held all my troubles only to myself. I have no other choice. Therapy ain't working, it works like a miracle sometimes but it wouldn't last long. I think I can do it all on my own. Penang is really a place full of memories that I don't wish to remember. I just wish that I was always somewhere else, away from my memories. Yes, I'm a coward to face the facts that I don't wish to admit. Yes, I want to run away from troubles. All for the sake of others.
I hereby declare the last solution of FinalDK. See you again in my blog.............
posted at 4:44 PM
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Nervous breakdown. That's what I'm having now. I just found out something but I'm not going to act stupid and blurt it out. Right now, I'm really really stress out my brains. Exam is coming and I'm having nervous breakdown 2 nights before. I really can't think. Just words can probably described what I can do. This blog memang emo-ish but that's the way it is. I'm using self-therapy. But guys, I'm not like that in the real world. I only have the courage to show what is truly myself without seeing the people I talk to. I hope that my message goes out to everyone.
I'm not myself when I'm alone...........
posted at 12:42 AM
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
This past weeks, I have to admit it's getting really good. My life that is but all this happiness is pointless =( I regularly gets sick and feverish nowadays. I couldn't stay awake too long either and it's a pain in the neck to keep me on going. I came with some solution, getting more sleeps, play sports, eat healthy food but all didn't really work. I sneeze too regularly, get cold or hot easily. Like a freaking curse on me. Haix..................
This happens really really sudden and seriously not a great time for me to get ill. I finally get the hang in sports just like last time before my injury kicks in. I'm so LEFT BEHIND. Also, studies is being usual, not scoring too much or too long I guess. I'm more concern about my health so I drank a lot of water just to find out that that ain't good either. Drank like 5, 1.5 litres of water and went toilet about nearly a dozen times.
Bummer......... Why now?
posted at 11:13 PM