Saturday, September 12, 2009
Ever felt that one time you had a great life, everything went on smooth and because of one problem, everything falls apart? I lead a great good life once, was that naughty boy who don't know anything about the world, no worries. I believe that ever since my grandfather passed away, I been what I'm. He died when I was standard 5, the time I got my freedom. He was so much I can respect on and I wanted very much to be with him. I lost my faith after he passed away and when I grew older, I become a lot less than him. He's the best and youngest runner in Penang during his time, I swear it's true. His name is still not forgotten by the fellow veterans that very much still respecting him.
During this time, I was living like a King, nothing to worry about. It all ended when my dad quit his high pay job and start doing shit. Then on we were never the same, especially me. I didn't get used to little luxuries and I don't mix a lot when I was young. I was then no taught a single thing about the outside world because I don't go out at all. I love computer games that time, could play up to 10-16 hours nonstop. Time to time I will go outside and get bullied by others, so I didn't go out much.
After finishing primary, I went to Hamid Khan. My grades dropped since stardard 5 but I'm still alright. My Maths, used to be a subject I can never go wrong, is now my worst enemy. I join scouting and learned a lot. I quit though after training camp because I was too pampered and can't stand it. Though I rejoin after that in late of form 2 (I joined Karate before that), I participated all kinds of trainings and camps in form 3 and realized what great value and what I've been missing out. From that passion, I met a lot of friends, some are my best friends. Over the years, I improved but gotten worst in some fields especially studies.
When I graduated, I didn't know what to do. I picked a subject that I didn't even like just because I fear Add Maths. I didn't had choice and did nothing for the holidays. I was then introduced a job as a waiter and continued for quite some time. During that time, I never wanted to study anymore until I thought for my future and lover, so I headed to form 6. In form 6, it was very tough due to the lack of reference. There's no way you can study, some subjects don't even have a textbook.
Form 6 really didn't cut out for me and I found another option, I can go to college. I tried working secretly without anyone's knowledge to save money for college. That didn't work too well and I start becoming hot-headed due to stress. I have to go to school and work at the same time, didn't had time for anything. It was really lonely, day at school, night at work but I struggled hard to make end's meet. I went into depression at one time but I learned how painful life can be. Nobody understood me, I never gotten any support from anyone.
After that my family's finance went low and college wasn't much an option for me. We finally sold our house to lead a better life. Our house expenses were too much to handle since we have a lot of land. I didn't realized myself but it's really no joke that my house is the biggest around! My parents asked me whether I agree or not, which I too feel it's a must. By selling the house, we got better luck, dad got his old job back, mum don't have to work already. My parents got money from the house and bought a cheaper place. Small but well equipped indeed. Our luck is changing but not for me.
Day by day, I'm no doubt getting relentless. My health became an issue due to smoking and I decided on chain smoking instead. I can say I'm doing better and well-to-do. What I'm worried about is my future. I got into the college I wanted only to find proceeding is hard. In 3 years time, I will most probably be moving out of Penang for good but I kept thinking that I should go now. I wasted 1 year already and I need to catch up. I'm competitive but easily giving up. I'm weird because I think different than others. Fast and different. I'm a little conservative I admit all because I hate the newer generation. The past is what made us great now and others are spoiling what they did.
In health, I discovered I had post traumatic stress disorder, insomnia and probably high blood pressure. I lack of rest always, I don't know why. Hopefully everything would go well soon. Sometimes I just hope I can be like my grandfather, all great and respected. Sometimes I just hope a lot from myself.
All I need is...... Believe
posted at 12:02 AM