Life, have it's ups and downs. Surprisingly, when I saw this 'status', although I knew, I kinda freak out. I couldn't sleep, but yet I knew it even without the status. Maybe I was in the stage of denial, maybe I'm still not over you after 3 years. Needless to say, in that 3 years, I did nothing to change. And I decided to, the day I saw the status, yesterday. It's now or never, I swear myself even to God way before this and fail. I don't know whether I will succeed or not. Still, I not sure whether God would despise me, since I have a problem now, I decided to once again go to church. Ever since the time He showed me what I called, a miracle, I took my religion for granted.

Anyway, I tried smoking 'healthy', big mistake and a waste of money. My friends warned me several times. I grew in weight, too much to account for. I need to buff up. Last time, I didn't almost everything for you, I wrote poems, I wrote characters, stories, about you. Now it's me me me, nothing for you. Selfish. And I took the 3 years for granted as well, as if you will come walking through my doorsteps. But honestly speaking, I thought of it many times, do I want you back? Most of the time, in my mind, no. Honestly, no. She's no longer the person I knew, 4-5 years ago. I probably can still remember all the things she is, but she's probably no longer those. But a friend once told me, 'If I get the chance to go back with one of my ex, I would, just to get that feeling once desired, back again'.

I seriously don't know what I want. When I got her, I feel I can 'cheat' because I got the girl. I wasn't who I'm. I never freaking cheat when it came to love. I think of nonsense, most of the time. Now I decided to make a list.

First : Stop smoking, be the person in your image. Cruel and strict, but it's all for you man.

Second : Reduce some weights, you ain't getting girls when you're thin, you sure have no chance at all when you're fat.

Third : Buff up, study, finish your freaking diploma. The time where things used to go as you planned, is gone.

Fourth : Do those 3 first.

Period, I think I need a break. A reset memory, I trained so hard over the years to acquire the attention I wanted, but now, it's all in vain.....

Yes, I hate my family and I have a reason to it. Let me explain why:

My family, they don't understand me. Do you know that I have to ask to get things? I have to make amends. I have to deliver something. But I'm not talking about the current situation. It was before. I have always kept the past in me because I suffered the most during that time. My mistakes were blame directly at me. I made a lot of amends in the past just to contain myself for getting anything. I took short earn allowance and use it for my daily life. I don't waste my parents money on cigarettes, beers, entertainment, etc, I use my own allowance. Whenever shortage, I had to ask. I want things too but I get the guilt blame whenever I get things. My sisters don't.

Let me give you a situation, now my big sister supports themselves. How?? Boyfriends. I have to support myself. And they have no shame. And one of them, I not sure who, told my mother about this blog where I condemn my family. That was ages ago and it was anger of the moment. Yes, I still dislike most of my family members cause they are a busybody. And they keep track, I just got a new computer, 2.5k price. And that's when they tell my mother. They don't tell it before, always after I get something. Isn't that finding fault with me? When they get something new, I don't say much. Me, I want to get things, I buy at least part of it or pay at least part of it. My phone, it was 2k, I paid 800. My computer, 2.5k, I paid 500. My sisters, NOT A SINGLE CENT, PROBABLY ALL PAID FOR.

And yes, I kept quiet. The money I get, from my bank account, the money they allocated for me. My parents think they all paid for my education but the money is from loan which I myself have to pay back in the end. I'm not saying that 'It's my money, I should use it' no. But do you see the implications? I had to still fork out money not from them but from my account so I don't burden them. Yes, the money in the bank is theirs. When was the last time my sisters ever took out their own money for their laptops, handphone, etc. They always had something better than me and it's always after I get something better. I got a better laptop than my older sister from my uncle, her boyfriend bought a laptop for her. Her first laptop was paid by my parents.

When I wanted one myself they promised me one for college then after a few months start, I asked, got scolded, saying I don't need one. And they bought for my older sister one for college. Then my uncle gave me his old one, they just pretended nothing happened. Also, when I wanted a handphone way back, they didn't want to give me one. My aunt gave me in the end. I now had only own 5 handphones, 3 which isn't mine and one lost. But sisters get the phones from boyfriend, parent, God knows it's not from working. I gotten the new N97 since we had a lot of money selling our old house, my sister got an Iphone after that. Out of nowhere, my small sister got a touch screen phone when she's not legit to work.

Honestly, during my teens, I cannot remember what I gotten that is purely mine. I cannot. I mostly ask money to go out and so. Something that my sisters also does. But when my parents went broke, I was blamed. I don't get it why they even need money when their boyfriends gonna pay for everything. Then let's talk about the internet line. I ask, got scold. Sister ask, get. She ask 2mb, she gets. She ask 4mb, she gets. You see, it's hypocritical. When I ask, they say I don't need a faster internet speed. But when gotten cause of my sister and when I ask, my dad will say 'It's cheap.'. What the hell right!?

And my family are still bias. They always side my sisters and both of them can choose to disrespect them and nothing is done to them. When I do it, I get threats, constant complains for days. When I was young, I had to take it in. I still do but I burst out more often this time.

Anyway, I gonna restraint myself from writing too much. There's more things why I said that majority I hate my family. But you see, I hate them but I didn't say I hate all of them right? And I tell you this, I know a lot from about my family. And I'm not talking just about parents, sisters. I know a lot that you don't and that's why I hate my family. I never reveal any secrets. All those condemning and all ain't secrets, come on. Just because a few people don't know doesn't make it a secret.

And this topic is specially for the bitch of a sister. Yeah, I'm giving you more reasons to hate me so do what you want but please, just for mum's sake, don't let me know. Cause when I find out which one did this, I'm gonna make your life a living hell. And yeah, Gwen, it must be you and I hope it is cause I have more reason to hit you than your sister. If you want to fight with reasoning, come, face to face, don't coward off behind our parent. You are all talk, piece of rubbish.

My body sores, I got several breathing problems and probably 2-3 mild stroke/heartache. Oh well, another year for me. Yipeee~!

Everytime I'm with my uncle, he hit me a valuable knowledge in me. I want to be like him. But I may not be capable of doing so. I gave up too easily, I prefer the old me, my friends prefer the current me. I used to spend money worst than an open tap. Now the moneys all gone, it's still very hard to adapt without it. I wasn't born rich, I was probably born pampered and just enough. Expectation increases, demand increases, income not increasing.

Difference within me, I used to eat for the purpose of filling stomach, now I want good tasty food. That means expensive places, dining in restaurants, etc. Then my taste in slightly more expensive clothes. I'm nearly 21 but this is like supposed to happen a long time ago. But I have to admit, last time I was awesome but lonely. I was always the quiet type until I became demanding of attention. I changed, for the better and for the worst?

I was never really good in sports but I'm not the worst. Always keeping at the borderline, I guess. Anyway, it's getting late. Good night folks

He's 26 and he really acts like one dumbo. Seriously, everything he's ever good at, all directly in the textbook. Anyway, we had a discussion and I was convincing him to play floorball again. Find ways for him to make him enter Division 1. Few jokes and there suddenly he insulted me. One insult I can take but until God knows how many times, I screwed him. He obviously hit back with the intention of it as a 'joke'. He didn't stop and keep doing it. I finally told him off, told him that I gave up on helping him find a way to go floorball training. Bryan on the other hand, supported Sherwynd. They keep pressuring me to become a defender and I told them I don't want to but if the team wants me as a defender, I will. Then they started comparing me with other strikers and I was like what the heck? I just came in and I did well for a beginner. How can you compare me to the top strikers and All-Stars?

Then I said okay, I listen to you, I become a defender. Asked him whether he satisfied, he said no. Then what the Hell? Then they degrade me further from defender to first-aider to scout to ball retriever to etc. I just replied okay, I listen to you. Until he asked me to suck his balls and use my words against me by copy pasting my words repeatedly when I said even the dumbest person won't do that since they call me dumb. Hello, I'm a better player on my own than this 2. Reason why they are good cause they have the best assists. Most of my goals were solo goals, no assists. I learn and trained the hard way. I didn't take 5-7 years, I took 1, 1 year.

I suck in football, yes, I admit. But you played every single day to become who you are. I didn't spend my time on one sport. So after that, I just got out of the conversation and they re-invited me in but I didn't bother anymore. I was supposed to go out for the Arsenal-Chelsea match but I messaged them that I don't feel like going. Honestly, Sherwynd's word are poison and because of yesterday, I'm really about to give up on everything. There was more to it than this. Bryan only listens to and follows people. He never decides himself. Last word I saw was Bryan saying I was unpredictable and Sherwynd calling me 'Donny-Girl'. Fuck them.

Do you know what you did to me? Before you, I chose to work, no education, just work. And before I decided to propose, I went on to think that I want a family with you. Even at my age, I shouldn't be thinking but I thought of it for you and for myself. I went through the life of non-education work and it's terrible. You were the boast.

I went to form 6, I cannot cope. I seriously couldn't. If you said my decision to quit form 6 means I'm a quitter, no I'm not. Going to form 6 was to me, quitting my long live dream to become an engineer. I always wanted to become an computer engineer and going to form 6, I'll not have that option anymore. Only mistake I did was working at that time as a bartender but I regretted. I only wanted to help my previous boss. Many of my old colleagues stayed for the same reason. Immediately after our relation was in problem, I quit only to know the next morning is too late.

I have a trauma, I cannot face a death of a dearly departed. At your time, I had 3 people passed away, I needed you and you weren't there. That's why I was always hot-tempered. Check the timeline on when it happens, my dear friend of 6 years, passed away and before the break, my grandmother passed away. After that, at end of November when you gave up on me, my favourite drinking buddy passed away.

But from this relation, I learned to stop drinking. What I'm drinking nowadays, is far less than before. Where do you think my working money went to? I have a friend that helped me so much, when he asked me to go for a drink, how can I deny that? I owed him a lot.

As for the fact that my reasons for being close to you was in fact an order, yes, I obliged to perform for my troop. But the order wasn't to date any of you, it was my own choice and nobody from the higher authority knew about it. You were there, you should know how I kept everything a secret from them. Why am I telling you this now, cause I despise them and after so long serving them, they didn't want me to continue to pursued you all from coming back. They claim it's a lost cause but I didn't give up then. I continued.

I'm doing everything for you, almost nothing for myself even till now. And I was labelled as stupid, crazy, emo, etc by my friends. I ignored them cause now, doing for you is doing me a favour. I may not entirely moved on cause it was a really bad breakup. But no matter what happen, I seriously can tell you, I don't have the guts to tell it to you face-to-face. You knew me well, I'm never what I'm in front of you. I cannot imagine it thus, I'm different out face and in front of you.

But I really meant well for you, you will have a good life. I will have a good life until I face reality and make my dreams come true. I was born and educated the way I'm. Like I said in my previous entry, being a Eurasian is hard. There's a certain level I must be. Good luck......